I recall when I entered rehab 25 yrs ago
in Aug, 1990, I was a mom, wife and very
much a lady who enjoyed always looking
nice, always wore makeup, never a hair
out of place, so prim and proper.
However, I had to learn that my makeup
I wore could have been a mask I hid behind
to hide that pain, anger, resentments, and
so much more so other couldn't see it.
During a session in treatment I was asked
to show up the next day without the makeup.
I did show up with a little less than normal
because I didn't like to feel naked without it.
I grew up with a mom that was always
so perfect in her appearances and in
public, so elegant, lovely and so I followed
in that tradition myself. However, once
all that beauty was wiped away, stripped
away, I saw the ungliness of her own demons
that came out and inflicted on me throught
the yrs.
Anyway, I learned about masks we wear
when we are in our addiction. I drank to
numb all the bad feelings I harbored inside
for yrs. and make up and mask for me was
a way to hide behind so no one would ever
know how sick I was inside.
I wore makeup for a long time before,
during and after my drinking career and
eventually have let it go. Wearing makeup
isn't bad. It protects our skin from the outside
elements, sun harmful rays etc. Its an art
to me to learn how to wear it properly and
look pretty.
Now that ive gotten use to not wearing
it, my husband like me that way and
to be honest, folks that see me regularly
out in public are always glad to see me
and call me colorful and pretty with all
my lovely tattoos.
Its not the makeup that has to make
me feel pretty. Its how I feel inside. If
im serene , content, happy, sober and
honest inside, then that glow from within
comes pouring out from my smiles and
the way I carry myself.
Even tho im still guarded about allowing
people to get to close to me is my own
trust issues. Today, I am secured within
myself and refuse to let anyone try to
hurt me or mess with my own sobriety
and recovery that ive worked so hard
to establish and build my life upon.
An affective recovery program incorporate
in all areas of my life has allowed me to be
a strong, lovely, content, woman I have become
today riding free on our Road King makeup
free in the wind.
