Thank you for all your warm welcomes. Fricka – yes I definitely was in a situation that was inconsistent with my values, needs, wants, etc. but yet still stayed with him. I tried to convey what I needed but most of the time it fell on deaf ears or created a fight for no reason over the years. Even argued over some of the simplest things in life or conversations (not relationship related) and I'd be thinking why are we arguing about this? Like me suggesting he put money into retirement plan (which he didn't have). Just weird. He’ll claim he tried giving me what I needed towards the end but that’s not true. I think because over the years I wasn’t receiving what I needed out of the relationship (and I’m not a needy person just want respect, etc.) that my drinking slowly increased to “deal” with it and numb the pain. Once my drinking was completely out of control everything became my fault….i.e. the reason we are no longer together. A lot of time he didn’t even know I was drinking so…. It wasn’t all me but in his mind it seems it is. He says I broke his heart and spirit and made him a prisoner in his own home. I wasn’t even that bad. His way of thinking is just strange and over the years I’ve tried to understand it but never really could I guess.
Biminiblue – I am working on letting the relationship go. I think its been delayed due to continuing to drink since then. It just mentally broke me down so I don’t deal with things as well as I did before drinking and maybe before even meeting him.
Update: This past Saturday afternoon I stopped drinking (was only drinking to ward off the withdrawals). I just had had enough of this merry go round. Over that night while sleeping I had the night sweats really bad. Woke up the next day with the shakes, anxiety, etc starting along with stomach upset, throwing up green stuff and couldn’t even keep water down. Just gross. It had been approx. 24 hours since my last drink and the symptoms would come and go but I couldn’t take it anymore so I went to the local ER and they put me on a drip for dehydration with Ativan, some vitamins and sent me away with some Librium. They checked my liver and kidneys function and they were in pretty good shape. Thank God! All of this helped A LOT. That was Sunday. Took one Librium before going to sleep, then took a couple on Monday but haven’t taken any since. Tuesday I was doing pretty good…got a lot done, felt a lot better, eating, taking vitamins, kept telling myself….just don’t drink today…just for today. I really didn’t think of alcohol all day. Then waking up today (Wednesday) my mood is different. I feel kinda down. My thoughts are on what I’ve lost, the past etc which I’m trying to divert but it’s hard. I don’t actually want to drink…I don’t think I’m actually craving it but I’m thinking of alcohol more this morning. I know I just have to be determined, remember “this too shall pass”, take it moment by moment but it would be soooo easy just to go to the store and buy some. BUT I so badly want to be and remain sober and feel like true self again. Did you guys have these moments too where one minute (or day) your “up” and the next down? What did you guys do mentally to get through those moments?