phoenix75

Hi everyone - I'm so glad to have found this site. I'm new to the online posting so I hope this works. If it does, then I'll post more about my background and situation in the future. I had a longer post started but it didn't work (timed me out maybe).

I've lost so much due to alcohol in the last few years. A 7 year relationship, a job, my health, my apartment, dignity, self respect...you name it.

I'm still trying to not drink but when I wake up, I start having withdrawals so I have to drink a little while awake to ward off the withdrawals. Don't try to get drunk or anything just can't handle the effects it brings on.

Will provide all you more info if this works. Need support and advice. Thanks!

LSC1

Welcome to SR. Have you considered seeing a doctor.. in the early days of sobriety ?

Mountainmanbob

Welcome phoenix and as many, many have,
you can do this.

As you know the sober life is the best life for the alcoholic.
Join us in sobriety.

Please come here often and read and post.

Good luck
Mountainmanbob

phoenix75

I went through an inpatient program earlier this year. They gave me Librium and really didn't have any withdrawals. Got out about a month later and got sad about my situation and what I've lost and started drinking again. I know...just stupid. A couple months later while moving out of my apartment, I fainted on the driveway while my Dad had just gone inside. Woke up, blood just gushing out of head above my eye and not knowing what happened. I wasn't even drunk or really hadn't been drinking (Dad helping to wean me off for a couple of days). Which worked and really didn't have any withdrawals to speak of. Go to ER...my blood pressure was extremely low (usually it's normal). Told them my situation. They gave me more Librium to take at home which I just recently took. Felt good...no issues but after listening to a recording of my ex saying mean things about me, etc. my AV won over and started drinking a little. Now If I don't drink I start having the shakes, anxious, hot/cold, etc. so I'm just trying to ward them off. I'm trying to get in to see my doctor but she's not close by where I live now.

Mountainmanbob

Maybe best to get back into treatment?
I did a 30 day once and it was very good for me.
MB

MariahGayle

Glad you are here Phoenix, you will find much support & encouragement here! I suggest you find local support also & use all that is available to you. Be kind to yourself!!

Soberwolf

Hello & welcome Phoenix youl find tons of kind support & useful advice here nice to meet you

Here are some assorted useful sober recovery links to help with all aspects of recovery

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

RDBplus3

I went thru a 6 week treatment program, then didn't drink ... for about 6 weeks. I recognized my AV, and made committed plans to NOT let that damned AV have control, but 40 years of drinking must have engrained habits in me that would override my best thinking, and when I did take a drink, it was just like the program of AA describes it for me ... when I take alcohol, I crave more, and I cannot consistently predict how much I will drink, when I have taken 'A' drink. Then ... when I sober up (with or without the Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization) I seriously vow to follow my Plan to not drink ever again, but my mind and body OBSESS to take 'A' drink again. I fight it, and Control it, but my Automatic Alcoholic Sub-level Programming overrides my best intentions and Plan, and I take 'A' damned drink again.

The ONLY thing that worked for me ... and I am now 2 years SOBER ... was WORKING the 12 Steps of AA. I could NOT fix my Spiritually diseased Self, with my Spiritually diseased Self.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2

phoenix75

I so want to be rid of this. My background: I'm 40 yrs old. Never had a problem with alcohol up until 5'ish years ago. Drank some in teenage years but most of us dabble in it around that time anyway I guess. No problems. Got into my twenties and really didn't drink much. Maybe at dinner occasionally but only one or two rum and cokes. If I ever "caught" a buzz, I just stopped. It would go months and maybe years without drinking.

Fast forward to about 7 years ago...met my now ex BF at work. We sometimes would drink a few after work (he's not a big drinker). Everything was fine for the most part for awhile. Started noticing his negativity, anger, etc. but still didn't want to leave cause I loved him very much. I'm not a Pollyanna per say but the negativity started to slowly break me down. I mean...who gets upset, yells and swears because a sock fell out of the dryer!!! Not me...no big deal but his behavior with "common" life just was weird. I thought by helping to show him life's not so bad by example, we all have to deal with stuff that he'd "see". He came from a bad childhood and experiences. I fixed his credit, managed his finances, was always there if he needed me, helped him buy a house, bought stuff for the house, cooked, cleaned, dishes, laundry, managed the yard, etc. All while having a full time job myself. But he now believes I did nothing.

In 2012 my drinking started to grow more. Long story short, we were fighting on the phone about his behavior and me trying to understand, well...I started drinking...this time it was a lot! I left my house to "just drive" and think...well I think I blacked out and then ran into a parked car! Thank God no one was hurt. Got arrested, night in jail, legal crap, etc. Great...now I have a criminal record when I've been responsible all my life. Good jobs, always paid my way, not a burden on anyone, etc.

I eventually had to sell my home and moved in with him in 2012. Things were fine for awhile. But the emotional and verbal abuse, negativity continued to take its toll on me. Drinking became my only source of comfort to numb the pain, guilt, isolation, shame, etc. but it made my relationship worse. He became more withdrawn from me which then hurt more then drank more.

In 2014 it escalated ALOT! I was thrown against a wall, thrown on the floor which broke my finger....I never was physically violent to him at all. Drank some more and needed more to get that "feeling". In November he asked me to move out so we could work on our relationship. I did and later in our conversations would find out we were done, he didn't need me nor want me, better off without and just say so many mean and very hurtful things to me.

My drinking escalated. I'm alone in my apartment no friends around where I lived nor things to do since I had made him my life. One night earlier this year I drank heavily and stayed up late, showed up to work not slurring my words or anything. Someone must have smelled it on me. (btw - my new boss was just a wacko). They gave me a breathalyzer, blew over the legal limit. I'm thinking how is that possible? They asked me to leave, I did. Met w/them days later. They gave me instructions on what I needed to do, which I did. Got assessment. The place recommended outpatient treatment. Started that. Then I got depressed about my entire situation and didn't check-in like I should have and missed a few days. Once I kinda "came to" I realized I needed to follow through, needed help and wanted to keep my job.

Met w/the folks at the treatment center and they recommended higher care...inpatient treatment for 28 days. I thought about and to keep my job, I accepted. While in treatment I found out my employer had terminated me for missing those days beforehand. I was shocked and devastated and thought about leaving. I figured the only chance I had was to stay in.

After I got out of treatment I tried to "fight" to get my job back. Everyone there wanted me back except for my crazy new boss (worked there 8 years) so HR had to follow what she wanted. Due to everything I stupidly went back to what numbed everything....drinking.

A few months later had to move out of my apartment. My Dad was helping and could tell I was drinking a bit (smell, etc) so he started to wean me off of it. After a 90 degree day, heated storage unit, physical exhaustion, no alcohol is when after he went into my place to rest, I was getting my purse, water out of his truck and apparently fainted. Woke up on the driveway with blood gushing into my eye, my hair and my shoulder in pain. Somehow made my way up the stairs to seek his help.

Went to the ER - they glued the gash over my eye and figured out I had a dislocated shoulder (no seizure, etc). Then two days later in my sleep, my arm came out of the sling and was dislocated AGAIN! Another trip to the ER. Stayed with may Dad for a few weeks. When he weaned me off of booze (only gave me very little for the shakes) I really didn't have any other withdrawals, felt pretty good about that part and only took a day or two.

Fast forward - have to leave there (it's a 55 and older place). Go to my Mom's which is about 60-70 miles from him. Once I get here I get depressed. No job, no relationship, no one to talk to, trying to deal with all the aftermath, etc. Start drinking again. What a cycle!!! It's like Groundhog's Day!

So now I wake up with the tremors, shakes, sweats, hold/cold and worry in a few days that I'll have a seizure or something. I can't go back into treatment as I need to find a job but probably couldn't manage one right now due to my condition (physically and mentally). Just feel guilt, shame, disappointment, all that. I wish I had known last year about getting treatment and all because I could have probably saved my relationship and job. I just didn't know and maybe thought I could "contain" it or fix it. Wow...was I wrong. It's just horrible what an alcohol problem does to all of us.

I'm not opposed to AA but I don't find it very helpful (went to lots of meetings in treatment). It's just the same thing and same stories over and over again.

Somehow I have to re-train my brain and get re-engaged in life. There are times I do nothing and just sleep. My body is wearing out. I'm just scared to go through withdrawals and something bad happening.

I'm going to try on Monday to get ahold of my doctor tho she's far away and need my Mom to drive me (cause I have to drink some to ward off the withdrawal effects).

I hope by logging on here and hearing from all of you that it gives me support, advice, and the courage to officially stop. I'm inspired by a lot of your stories and strength to sobriety. Thanks for reading and your responses.

JD

It's sounds like your withdrawls have escalated, Google kindling. You really should to see your dr and follow that advice to withdraw. most likely they'll put you on librium. You know this as well as anyone here, but you've got a problem that needs to be fixed if you're going to get your life back on track. You can try AA again or see some of the other resource on this site. There are many ways to get sober and more importantly stay sober but you need to have a plan on how to do that. Start with the stickies at the top of the page.

entropy1964

Hi Phoenix
Welcome. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Going over all that you have been through in the past, dwelling on it, can make the thought of quitting seem very overwhelming. Been there. When I was in your shoes I learned to focus on one step, one right action, at a time. Detox is first. Whether you attend another 28 day program, or an in house detox program (usually more like a week or so), try to focus on simply and healthfully getting past detox. Forget the past, its over. Forget the future, its not reality yet. Just get off the booze with some help. I went to a detox facility, state funded in my case, that the hospital referred me to. They helped me get through the worst of the physical withdrawal and helped me start a plan for the future. Be kind to yourself. From what you are telling me about your bf he sounds like he was abusive, reactive and selfish. You don't deserve that. Take care of you first. Let your parents help. You can do this!

phoenix75

Maybe I'm doing something wrong but I type responses the post and it says I'm not logged in??? Any ideas? Does it "time you out" after a period of time even while typing?

Had more typed out but will keep it short till I can figure this out. Withdrawal and afterword is very overwhelming. It's hard to face. It seems all is my fault. Don't get how someone I helped so much and was there for could be so mean and nasty and just kick me out without trying to help. Yelling and screaming at someone isn't going to help them get better at all....just makes it worse. But weirdly I still love and miss him a lot....that also is I "reason" I continued to drink. Got way worse after I moved out of his house.

The idea of getting off of booze and having to deal with life and the aftermath of my former life is just heartbreaking to me. Rebuilding everything is not easy and don't know if I'm mentally strong enough to do it now. Went to a counselor late last year but it didn't help much. I'm trying to forget the past but it's not easy at all.

CurlyGirl1978

Welcome Phoenix! You are sure to find support and encouragement here. Just read through things, post things, and pretty much express yourself like you have done thus far. We are all united by one thing, our willingness to become sober and take control of our lives even though at times it may seem impossible. It can be done. I am inspired by those who have worked daily to make sobriety a forever choice, but I know it all didn't happen in one day. Just take it a day at a time, don't beat yourself up, and embrace the support at SR.
(btw it does time out after a few minutes, just log back in when it says you're logged out and it will take on where you left off.)

Fly N Buy

Years ago I went to meetings, nice folks - strong coffee and everyone smoked!

I stopped going and kept drinking for many years. Finally I went back in the rooms and worked the program of AA - I got sponsor, did step work and had a spiritual awakening. The obsession to drink was gone = the insidious insanity.

I found SR and log on daily making many virtual friends I feel close to, remarkable.

There are many paths to sobriety regardless of which we lean into, acceptance of our problem and a solution is imperative. Many will admit they have a problem but don't really want to do what is necessary to stop and stay stopped. A bump in road comes up and they choose to pick up a drink = highly selfish behavior.

When I got serious and took real action things changed. Rehab is great, it gets many started - but what's next? I see those who get a little time and simply think that's enough. It is not typically.

Sobriety is an inside job.......we can change others, just us.

Welcome friend , glad you're here!
keep coming back

biminiblue

phoenix, the site sometimes logs me off for no reason, too. If you are posting a long post, copy it before you hit "post reply." It seems to happen for a few days and then stop.

I would say, in general, to let go of your ex and why he did stuff. You will never know why.

Let it go. Every relationship has something to teach me, even ones that are painful relationships. I know not to do that again.

I would repeat the Serenity prayer whenever I started with the "whys." You have enough to worry about by getting yourself sober. Do you. Delve into that - the need to have answers.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

Acceptance was an idea in a personal story introduced in the 3rd edition. It was not part of the original book.
See page 449 in the 3rd edition or page 417 in the 4th edition, AA's Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

Anna

Phoenix, I that moderating drinking/tapering off is not a good solution for an alcoholic. I hope that your dr gives you the go-ahead to just stop, and in fact, I would suggest going to an ER to get through the withdrawals so you can begin to move on.

I notice that you say you often get depressed and so you drink. Alcohol is a depressant and it can cause depression. If you stop drinking completely you may find that your mood improves significantly, and if it doesn't , then talking to your dr about depression would be a good idea.

entropy1964

Hi Phoenix
I know its overwhelming but continuing to drink is like digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole. There really is no way out but to stop.

I ended (or we both ended) a relationship a few months ago. It was really hard. I also stopped drinking at the same time so there was no option but to face reality. Of course there is much pain, sadness and regret at first. But I also had to learn. I stopped focusing on him...what he did (or didn't ) do, what he said, how he acted etc etc. All the things that in the end really don't matter. I had to look at me. Own what I did. What I said. This was hard and I went back and forth between sadness, anger, self pity, blame, guilt and shame. Then something important dawned on me. I LET people treat me the way they do. I allowed my situation to continue in a way that was not consistent with my needs, my boundaries, my values and my wants. I always have options and it is my responsibility to take care of me. This is so basic, but it was huge. And a huge turning point in my letting go of the past. I'm learning much right now but things are getting better everyday. I'm finding ME again.

Focus on you. You will either stop drinking, or drink yourself so sick you will end up in the hospital, or worse. Go see your dr and if that dr is too far away, find a new one. Lots of options there. You can also go to the ER and ask them for help. You have many options, truly. Try to see that.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Phoenix!!

phoenix75

Thank you for all your warm welcomes. Fricka – yes I definitely was in a situation that was inconsistent with my values, needs, wants, etc. but yet still stayed with him. I tried to convey what I needed but most of the time it fell on deaf ears or created a fight for no reason over the years. Even argued over some of the simplest things in life or conversations (not relationship related) and I'd be thinking why are we arguing about this? Like me suggesting he put money into retirement plan (which he didn't have). Just weird. He’ll claim he tried giving me what I needed towards the end but that’s not true. I think because over the years I wasn’t receiving what I needed out of the relationship (and I’m not a needy person just want respect, etc.) that my drinking slowly increased to “deal” with it and numb the pain. Once my drinking was completely out of control everything became my fault….i.e. the reason we are no longer together. A lot of time he didn’t even know I was drinking so…. It wasn’t all me but in his mind it seems it is. He says I broke his heart and spirit and made him a prisoner in his own home. I wasn’t even that bad. His way of thinking is just strange and over the years I’ve tried to understand it but never really could I guess.

Biminiblue – I am working on letting the relationship go. I think its been delayed due to continuing to drink since then. It just mentally broke me down so I don’t deal with things as well as I did before drinking and maybe before even meeting him.

Update: This past Saturday afternoon I stopped drinking (was only drinking to ward off the withdrawals). I just had had enough of this merry go round. Over that night while sleeping I had the night sweats really bad. Woke up the next day with the shakes, anxiety, etc starting along with stomach upset, throwing up green stuff and couldn’t even keep water down. Just gross. It had been approx. 24 hours since my last drink and the symptoms would come and go but I couldn’t take it anymore so I went to the local ER and they put me on a drip for dehydration with Ativan, some vitamins and sent me away with some Librium. They checked my liver and kidneys function and they were in pretty good shape. Thank God! All of this helped A LOT. That was Sunday. Took one Librium before going to sleep, then took a couple on Monday but haven’t taken any since. Tuesday I was doing pretty good…got a lot done, felt a lot better, eating, taking vitamins, kept telling myself….just don’t drink today…just for today. I really didn’t think of alcohol all day. Then waking up today (Wednesday) my mood is different. I feel kinda down. My thoughts are on what I’ve lost, the past etc which I’m trying to divert but it’s hard. I don’t actually want to drink…I don’t think I’m actually craving it but I’m thinking of alcohol more this morning. I know I just have to be determined, remember “this too shall pass”, take it moment by moment but it would be soooo easy just to go to the store and buy some. BUT I so badly want to be and remain sober and feel like true self again. Did you guys have these moments too where one minute (or day) your “up” and the next down? What did you guys do mentally to get through those moments?

phoenix75

I just realized it's Day 4 sober for me!!!