angrywife,
I used to be very defensive. I wanted to blame my exah for everything. I'm also a RA. I think sometimes we don't want to hear things. I know for sure I was one of those people who never wanted to hear things. I wanted to blame my ex for everything. After all, he was abusive, and it became impossible for me to live in the house, and I was always hiding and sleeping in the garage.
Thing is, I had 2 children that also were living with me, and they lived and slept in the house, and were exposed to him all the time.
I remember going to his therapist once, became my therapist after therapist fired my ex as a client. He told me that you did what you could with the "tools" that you had, now how about we give you some new "tools" to work with.
I did the best that I could with my children, trying to protect them from him. So why did I need new "tools"? They had really good grades, they were in honors classes. My son had just gotten a full scholarship to college based on academics alone. So why would anyone say anything to me. I was doing my best, I was actually surviving one day to the next for them. I was so, so angry at him.
Thing is, I needed to stop looking at my hurt back then, and I needed to start looking at their hurt then. I didn't do this. I was too blind with rage at him.
I'm also ACOA. (adult child of alcoholic). I would strive for perfectionism. I always got good grades. I was also drinking from the time I was 15 to numb the pain that I was feeling from my home life. All I ever heard was fighting in my home. I never felt safe to be there. I didn't want to be there, and I was self medicated to escape being there. I just wanted normal, but I didn't know what normal was. I just wanted the pain to go away.
No one here is judging you. I think many of us have gone through what you are going through, or perhaps going through the same hell now.
I can't tell you what to do either. I doubt if I would have listened with all of the anger that I felt.
What I do know now, is that I invested too much of my time trying to change my ex. I wasn't seeing things that were right in front of my eyes. My children started to drink at an early age, I was even blind to that. They had friends coming over that would leave cases of beer by the basement window, and then they would come in the front door. I never noticed this because I was blind with rage. All I was ever seeing was that I wanted justice for me. I wanted everyone to agree with me !!!!!
I wanted, needed him to change so bad because then everyone would see that it wasn't me.
My son was drinking because he was afraid to go off to college and to leave me alone with him, my daughter was drinking because she just didn't want to hear the fighting. Yet, both excelled in school because they didn't want to hear his mouth.
I really am hoping that you begin to take your focus off of your H's drinking and start to listen to the cry of pain from your children. A 15 yr old drinking and bringing it to school is not experimenting, it's a cry of pain.
Meet with CPS, don't be defensive, ask for their opinion, and ask what they think would be the best for your children. Don't depend on your ex for anything. I don't care if he detox'd or not. That means nothing.
Someone here needs to care about what is the best for the children. It's not going to be your H. I really wish now that I could have forseen the future while I was hiding in the garage and sleeping in the car.
((((((((hugs))))))))
amy