NikTes

Mostly fine here. I came home last night after dinner at my mom's to find my husband blackout drunk again. I didn't realize he was in a black out state until this morning when he asked what time I came home -- had forgotten our whole half hour conversation. I'm trying not to be resentful or angry, but man, it's hard not to feel despondent and detached at this point. He was in the hospital last week for heart trouble -- racing and skipping beats (PVCs) -- and after having many tests he was released with the understanding that these things just happen and that he's fine. He's so NOT fine. I can't help but think that his health troubles are coming from the booze. Trying not to be judgemental as well ... hell, I've had lots of blackouts. Too many. I know he has to be the one to take control of his own drinking and that I have to protect myself. It's just become almost impossible to stay emotionally invested. Leaving the relationship, at this point, isn't an option. For many reasons. And I do love him.

Looking back on how I've lived since becoming sober last March, I do see that I've been isolating -- for protection. It's easier to stay home, upstairs, than to go out in public. Less trigger. Less temptation. I can easily do breakfasts with a friend, and have. It's easy to be home when you're introvert. Work-wise though, writing life wise, I still need to do things in public -- giving readings, interviews, other literary events -- and I'm still struggling with that. Saying NO as much as possible, and when that's not possible, I arrive late to the event and leave early, which isn't very professional of me. But that's the only thing I can do. Even with a betablocker (or 3) my nerves still get the better of me. I'm considering quitting the writing thing permanently -- there's just too much public/group interaction required.