Thanks for your responses. Helped me to realise that actually it was genuinely traumatic for us kids and there's a reason I feel like this. My mum has never acknowledged that and so part of me has wondered if I'm over exaggerating this in my head.
I will start with my gp and see if there is some kind of subsidised counselling I can get.
I do realise my mum was a victim (she tells us that repeatedly!) But now I have my own children I just cannot imagine allowing myself to be such a victim that my children would get hurt. I would pick them up and run and not look back!!