Trouble with mum

Old 11-04-2015, 06:58 AM
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Trouble with mum

I've been puzzling over how to deal with something for a while and thought I'd ask you all here as people seem to give such spot on advice.
Since I've been dealing with my husband's alcoholism and now recovery it's brought up a lot of questions and realisations about myself and my parents along the way. Neither of them were addicts to substances but in a way they were both addicted to my dad and the madness he brought. He was a violent person with undiagnosed mental health issues and she was and still is (although now with a different husband) a codependent. My dad has been out of our lives for a long time but my mum is very much still a part of my life. For years we all blamed my dad entirely for the car crash of a marriage they had. Now I'm starting to see it slightly differently and I'm struggling to reconcile this in my head. My dad was violent towards me - why didn't my mum protect me? My dad threatened to kill himself and her numerous times - why didn't my mum call the police or have him sectioned? My dad disappeared but my mum's issues did not - why does she maintain that it was all down to him and her life is perfect now?
I can't bear denial. I've brought these things up with my mum and her response is always "you know what he was like, it was impossible to stop him or get away". Total denial and hurtful to me to feel that she still doesn't think she should have stopped him hurting us.
I'm at a point where I can hardly bear to be around her. There is no way I can cut contact. I have 2 children and she has been a lifeline with childcare and the kids have a good relationship with her. She lives 5 mins away and is often popping round for a " catch up" and I have started to leave the room and leave the kids playing with her. I can see she is feeling hurt.
I would really welcome any suggestions or advice. I feel trapped and also like I'm being quite passive aggressive with her which is not who I am.
Thanks in advance xxx
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Old 11-04-2015, 08:01 AM
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She has told you he couldn't be stopped. She was a victim as well. I am sorry all of you have gone through that but you can't look to you mom for validation. It just won't happen.

She may be codependent but she says she is happy and things are fine now. For her that is probably true. Chances are she won't change. She is who she is. You have no choice but to accept it. Doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her. We can't expect others to validate us or to see things our way. You have to find it inside yourself.
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Old 11-04-2015, 03:16 PM
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Nyanibo.....I really do believe that this is material for individual therapy or perhaps a support group for those who have suffered trauma.....in order to work through these very important issues (to you).
While we can be supportive and understanding, along the way.....I really feel that these issues are to complex for online as your o nly source of help.
there are certain situations where very experienced professional help is the best thing that you can do.
I hope that you will consider this....you must be in so much pain.....

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Old 11-04-2015, 03:30 PM
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I can understand your feeling hurt and not protected by your mom, but happy is right--she was a victim, herself, and unable to protect you. She may push some of that aside because it's a painful thing for her to have to look at.

I've worked in the DV field for a very long time. Victims of intimate partner violence are sometimes prosecuted or have their children taken away because of their "failure to protect" those children. The thing is, victims in those situations are often literally unable to do anything. They are terrified into a situation where they cannot protect themselves OR their children. They often develop a lot of coping mechanisms that enable them to survive, but not without cost to themselves and their children.

I second dandy's suggestion of counseling/therapy for you. You are the only one you can do anything about, and you're suffering as a result of the violence you witnessed and were victimized by. You could be giving yourself a wonderful gift by doing that and taking responsibility for your own healing.

Hugs, I'm so sorry you had to experience violence in your family.
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Old 11-05-2015, 03:13 AM
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Thanks for your responses. Helped me to realise that actually it was genuinely traumatic for us kids and there's a reason I feel like this. My mum has never acknowledged that and so part of me has wondered if I'm over exaggerating this in my head.
I will start with my gp and see if there is some kind of subsidised counselling I can get.
I do realise my mum was a victim (she tells us that repeatedly!) But now I have my own children I just cannot imagine allowing myself to be such a victim that my children would get hurt. I would pick them up and run and not look back!!
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Old 11-05-2015, 03:37 AM
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Wrote a post and it disappeared.

Many people think like you. The whole I would never allow that to happen. Thing is you just don't know. Abuse is so stealth by the time it gets to physical violence towards the spouse and kids psychologically the person is so beat down they often think they deserve it and they are helpless to stop it.

If you look you will find a forum here for adult children of alcoholics. Check it out. I suspect you will find you relate to a lot of it.
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Old 11-05-2015, 04:24 AM
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I worked with a victim who was repeatedly hospitalized for the abuse, but she told no one because every time she went into the hospital he would remind her that he had the kids. She was scared to death that if she tried to escape, or told anyone, he would kill not only her, but them (and believe me, she had good reason to think that). She had taken the kids once and run, but he called the older son on his cell phone, tricked him into disclosing their location, and snatched the boy. She came back with her girls because she feared for her son.

Now, I'm not saying that was your mom's experience exactly, but there was probably some version of that going on, in which she felt her best bet to keep everyone safe was to try to keep him placated. When you're constantly beaten down, threatened, belittled, made to feel stupid and incompetent, it can be very difficult to see a way out that isn't more dangerous than your present situation.
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