Nyanibo.....I really do believe that this is material for individual therapy or perhaps a support group for those who have suffered trauma.....in order to work through these very important issues (to you).
While we can be supportive and understanding, along the way.....I really feel that these issues are to complex for online as your o nly source of help.
there are certain situations where very experienced professional help is the best thing that you can do.
I hope that you will consider this....you must be in so much pain.....
dandylion