Trouble with mum
I've been puzzling over how to deal with something for a while and thought I'd ask you all here as people seem to give such spot on advice.
Since I've been dealing with my husband's alcoholism and now recovery it's brought up a lot of questions and realisations about myself and my parents along the way. Neither of them were addicts to substances but in a way they were both addicted to my dad and the madness he brought. He was a violent person with undiagnosed mental health issues and she was and still is (although now with a different husband) a codependent. My dad has been out of our lives for a long time but my mum is very much still a part of my life. For years we all blamed my dad entirely for the car crash of a marriage they had. Now I'm starting to see it slightly differently and I'm struggling to reconcile this in my head. My dad was violent towards me - why didn't my mum protect me? My dad threatened to kill himself and her numerous times - why didn't my mum call the police or have him sectioned? My dad disappeared but my mum's issues did not - why does she maintain that it was all down to him and her life is perfect now?
I can't bear denial. I've brought these things up with my mum and her response is always "you know what he was like, it was impossible to stop him or get away". Total denial and hurtful to me to feel that she still doesn't think she should have stopped him hurting us.
I'm at a point where I can hardly bear to be around her. There is no way I can cut contact. I have 2 children and she has been a lifeline with childcare and the kids have a good relationship with her. She lives 5 mins away and is often popping round for a " catch up" and I have started to leave the room and leave the kids playing with her. I can see she is feeling hurt.
I would really welcome any suggestions or advice. I feel trapped and also like I'm being quite passive aggressive with her which is not who I am.
Thanks in advance xxx