thank you all. We had our first couples therapy session this week. I thought it went great. we focused on our communication styles which the therapist absolutely nailed, specifically about how we parent our kids. She's a drill instructor and I'm a negotiator which puts us at odds over how we discipline the kids. But then we got home got home and began to fight about "whatever". I am praying for strength to stay patient, tolerant and silent when I need to be. I'm trying so hard to do my part. I thought being a good provider, faithful (of course I had an affair with alcohol) and an involved parent I was doing my part but I never considered the damage I did while drinking. I hope the couple therapy works, I love my wife. I know this will take time, I'm just heartbroken at how much I hurt her and the though of her never forgiving me is painful.