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Is reconcilliation possible?

Old 10-23-2015, 10:42 AM
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Is reconcilliation possible?

Hi. I'm new to this site and to recovery. I'm a 25 year drunk but I'm 5 months sober. I don't think I've gone 5 months without a drink, literally since I first got drunk. I have a question for the group. I've been reading lots of threads on here and I hear very similar stories to mine over and over again, which is this.... I stopped drinking but now my wife cannot forgive me, she feels like I'll slip up and start again and she's scared to open herself up. We are cordial to each other but not loving. I can't kiss her, not even a peck on the cheek, which breaks my heart but then I think how many times I must have crushed hers with my drinking. I'm a functioning AH, have a great job, make good $, involved with the kids, mow the lawn, you get the idea. I'm not in debt and I'm not in legal trouble although I have had my run-ins in the past. by all accounts, friends and family think I'm a great guy, role model dad.
Here's my question. Will my wife ever forgive me or is it over? We "celebrated" 20 years together last week and it was the saddest day of my life.
Has anyone reconciled with their spouse to go on an have a loving / caring relationship? or am I kidding myself? I know it takes time but I have not seen or heard anyone who's done it, please let me know you're out there. If I have to move on, I will but I really love my wife and I'm committed to sobriety in ways I never thought possible.
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Old 10-23-2015, 10:45 AM
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Welcome I am me nice to meet you
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Old 10-23-2015, 10:49 AM
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It's possible. It's not easy.

20 years is a long time.... Depending on the types of hurt and damage you and your drinking caused, it will require a lot - of both of you.

Your job is to stay sober and make it known you want to be the man she deserved all these years and you'll give that everything you can, that you want her forgiveness. But that forgiveness won't be easily earned..... You'll need patience and humility and empathy and understanding - and probably a thick skin.

She will need to learn to forgive and trust and let go and process and cope with half a lifetime of wounding.

You both will need support and commitment and probably a skilled and qualified couples therapist who deeply understands the impact of addiction to all involved.

It can be done. I have very close friends who are living proof. It is also a real challenge for both parties, and is unfortunately also rare....

Be open-hearted, humble, give her your pledge and live by it. You can only control YOUR part in this.
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Old 10-23-2015, 10:51 AM
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Welcome,

Congratulations on 5 months sober. That's great.

I'm sorry your wife feels she can't forgive you. I don't know if that will change or not. You're doing what you can to stay sober so she will see by your actions that you are changing. Is that enough - who knows? Have you considered couples counselling?

I should add that I began drinking 25 years into my marriage and that continued for about 3 years. It was horrible for my husband and children. It took a lot of time, patience and hard work on my part to try to put things back together, but for me, it worked.
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Old 10-23-2015, 10:58 AM
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Originally Posted by IamMeursault2me View Post
she feels like I'll slip up and start again and she's scared to open herself up.
What does your wife say when you ask her what it will take to regain her trust?

My best guess, knowing very little about you two, is that it will take more time - more time with you being the upright guy she needs you to be.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!
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Old 10-23-2015, 11:12 AM
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I've been in your shoes and for me it didn't work out. Married 22 years and I drank during the whole marriage. Like you, I never got into any legal trouble, held a good paying responsible job, and very rarely drank myself to pass out. Drank 4 to 5 beers every week night and more on the weekends. But I wasn't really there for my wife. At the end I was going through some difficult times at work and in the marriage and checked myself into rehab. I ended up 9 months sober and my wife wanted a divorce. That was 10 years ago.

I would strongly suggest you do couples therapy and have that question of can you make this work as the primary topic. Looking back my marriage probably would have ended even if I wasn't drinking. What ever way it works out I will tell you that life goes on and it can be a good life. It just takes awhile to get there.

Good luck to you.
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Old 10-23-2015, 11:12 AM
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thank you all. We had our first couples therapy session this week. I thought it went great. we focused on our communication styles which the therapist absolutely nailed, specifically about how we parent our kids. She's a drill instructor and I'm a negotiator which puts us at odds over how we discipline the kids. But then we got home got home and began to fight about "whatever". I am praying for strength to stay patient, tolerant and silent when I need to be. I'm trying so hard to do my part. I thought being a good provider, faithful (of course I had an affair with alcohol) and an involved parent I was doing my part but I never considered the damage I did while drinking. I hope the couple therapy works, I love my wife. I know this will take time, I'm just heartbroken at how much I hurt her and the though of her never forgiving me is painful.
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Old 10-23-2015, 11:19 AM
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I'm afraid of what she'll say if I ask this question.
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Old 10-23-2015, 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by IamMeursault2me View Post
I'm afraid of what she'll say if I ask this question.
I was too. It absolutely broke my heart when she said she wanted a divorce. But with the advantage of time it was best for both of us. To be fair, she had brought up the d word about a year earlier. Don't know if your wife has. I'm also one to do my best, but expect the worst. Hopefully your situation will be different.
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Old 10-23-2015, 11:38 AM
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Welcome to the Forum IamMeursault2me!! 5 Months is fantastic!!
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Old 10-23-2015, 12:24 PM
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jd1639, she has not brought up the "D" word but she will absolutely not comment on it. she's "confused" and I get that. I brought this all on by my actions and now I have to deal with the consequences. I keep asking myself, do I need serenity to accept this or courage to change it? I don't have the wisdom right now, I'm also confused.
thanks PurpleKnight. I feel very good about 5 months but I'll feel better at 5 years.
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Old 10-23-2015, 12:29 PM
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Originally Posted by IamMeursault2me View Post
jd1639, she has not brought up the "D" word but she will absolutely not comment on it. she's "confused" and I get that. I brought this all on by my actions and now I have to deal with the consequences. I keep asking myself, do I need serenity to accept this or courage to change it? I don't have the wisdom right now, I'm also confused.
thanks PurpleKnight. I feel very good about 5 months but I'll feel better at 5 years.
You need the serenity. All you can do is keep doing what you're doing, not drinking. It's up to her to decide what she does with that.
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Old 10-23-2015, 12:47 PM
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Mowing the lawn is huge - good for you! I was so very self centered, egotistical and absent from reality = delusional - that it simply takes continued time and patience to have hope of reconciliation. Some relationships may be a casualty of drinking, some a causality of sobriety.

Around 7-8 months I was having coffee with my wife of 32 years one morning. I had hit another milestone and prodding for some sort of "atta bouy". I made a statement like - well, things are a lot better right???? She laughed and replied - you are so much worse now than when you were drinking!!

I was crushed of course. The truth was my ego was so flippin enlarged I was impossible to live with. I only though I was humbled.......what a laugh. I became highly resentful at her attitude - I am the hunter! I am the provider, the keeper of the flame!! Now I am sober keeper of the flame - Why can't you see and acknowledge that!?!?

I am at 16 months - yesterday I sent her a text. I love you dear. About 15 minutes passed and she responded - Are you leaving?? She thought maybe this was a goodbye........I'm starting to think she'd miss me?!?

Last night we held hands as we watched TV together. We were children when we met, now adults. Some emotional maturity in our relationship is finally occurring as it was smothered by booze for many, many years.

There's a passage in the book I read as part of a program of recovery;

The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"

Time and space - it's really up to them if what we destroyed can be repaired.
We keep working on us.......and we keep mowing the grass!!!

Thanks for the post, friend - glad you're here.
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Old 10-23-2015, 02:33 PM
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There's some great advice here IamMeursault2me

I wasn't in a relationship when I quit but I was a drinker for 20 years and I had the wreckage of long term relationships and breakups to deal with.

I had to learn that the timetable for forgiving me and trusting me again wasn't mine to set.

That was really hard for me, because I really wanted everything to be great and good again.

I'm kinda glad it happened tho because it drove home to me what was important to me and how much I wanted to keep special people in my life.

It also taught me a little patience, which for me, was a great thing to learn

D
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Old 10-23-2015, 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by IamMeursault2me View Post
jd1639, she has not brought up the "D" word but she will absolutely not comment on it. she's "confused" and I get that. I brought this all on by my actions and now I have to deal with the consequences. I keep asking myself, do I need serenity to accept this or courage to change it? I don't have the wisdom right now, I'm also confused.
thanks PurpleKnight. I feel very good about 5 months but I'll feel better at 5 years.
glad yer here and asking questions. something to think about:
if you were married to you for that many years would ya be able to justforgive ya because youve been sober 5 months?
the confustion will disappear as ya learn about yourself, how to live, and how to love.
dont get me wrong. 5 months is a major accomplishment. its a bigger accomplishment than 10,15,20 years.
but its going to take T.I.M.E.
your wife has been with you all these years. i mean absolutely no disrespect here, but its pretty common for people that have been in a long term relationship with an alcoholic to be just as sick as the alcoholic.

if you both work on yourselves and your relationship it can get better.
but its going to take T.I.M.E.

prayers out for ya!

p.s.
throw out the arse kikin machine
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Old 10-23-2015, 03:01 PM
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Good advice and comments!

It's clear you have many wonderful qualities! Hopefully your wife will be able to see and appreciate them all despite the wounds.

I believe that reconciliation is very possible. I am a glass 1/2 full type of person. I believe it's worth all the effort to save the marriage especially when kids are involved, unless, of course, it is a currently abusive situation. But from what you have posted it is not abusive.

I would say continue to be the best you can be, stay sober, continue to be kind, patient, loving; give reassurance and comfort as much as possible.

One thing I've noticed when there has been a lot of hurt and wounds have been inflicted: It seems like the hurt one is able to "accept" some of the efforts one makes to make it better if they can somehow have a soft heart... I truly am not sure which is harder: needing forgiveness or needing to forgive.

Yeah, there is also some fear involved. Perhaps fear of being hurt (again)...on both your parts. So each party needs to be careful to try not to hurt one another anymore...be careful with your words;; not just what you say, but how you say it...be sensitive to the other person's feelings and how they might perceive thing...that means sort of laying aside focusing on yourself. Granted, to an extent you have to look out for yourself....we all do...but we can also look out for others...

I say hang in there...and do your very best to stay on the right path because that will mean much to her and rebuild trust.

In my opinion reconciliation can be a beautiful thing when it happens for the right reasons and each person involved has gotten themselves in a much healthier state. The relationship can be even stronger and go places it couldn't before all this happened to y'all-perhaps because each of you will have grown in good ways through the HEALING PROCESS. As you patience is tried throughout the healing process try to remind yourself that it IS a healing process and healing takes time and various factors in place in order for it to occur.

Sorry for such a long post!

Take care....

Blessed Be....
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Old 10-23-2015, 03:07 PM
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it is possible but it takes both people wanting it to work and commitment and time. Fromy experience my husband remained quite narcissistic for about 8 months after stopping drinking. It's only recently that I have started to feel truly loved and wanted by him. I think alcohol can damage the brain quite deeply and it can be hard to get the brain to be connected again. Hope you can work it through though!
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Old 10-23-2015, 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by IamMeursault2me View Post
thank you all. We had our first couples therapy session this week. I thought it went great. we focused on our communication styles which the therapist absolutely nailed, specifically about how we parent our kids. She's a drill instructor and I'm a negotiator which puts us at odds over how we discipline the kids. But then we got home got home and began to fight about "whatever". I am praying for strength to stay patient, tolerant and silent when I need to be. I'm trying so hard to do my part. I thought being a good provider, faithful (of course I had an affair with alcohol) and an involved parent I was doing my part but I never considered the damage I did while drinking. I hope the couple therapy works, I love my wife. I know this will take time, I'm just heartbroken at how much I hurt her and the though of her never forgiving me is painful.
Remembering the very first time in my life that I felt like a failure: & I'm trying to "pull up" what sorts of things helped me then to make a turning point and go on to succeed.

One of the things that was tremendously helpful was to use the POWER of positive thinking...and I read that book by that same title "The Power Of Positive Thinking", by Norman Vincent Peale.

One of the sayings he brings out in the book is: "You can if you think you can." I took on that saying for myself and it amazed me at how it empowered me to set goals and then acheive those goals. A lot of it starts with our mindset . At that stage in my life it was to finish college and get my career rolling...to be as healthy and as balanced as possible...

Of course each stage of life has it's varying challenges. Right now in your stage it is to repair what needs to be repaired....while at the same time taking care of the daily things that being a parent and provider requires...You know, sometimes just the demands of everyday life can deplete us...So, speaking for myself, I am finding that I need to find ways to not let everyday life deplete me...and make sure I have not only time but enough reserve to do the things I love and the things that are enriching...
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Old 10-23-2015, 06:29 PM
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In my experience, it can work. I'm an AA member and one of the steps is to make amends. I struggled about how to make amends to my wife, we have so much history and I drank for many years. It's not like I can point to one specific incident and say "sorry bout that," besides I've said I'm sorry too many times to have it mean anything to her.

So what I learned to do is a "living amend" and that's about how I live my life everyday and how I treat my wife in our relationship. I feel privileged that she didn't kick my butt to the curb, and try to show her everyday, through my behavior (not my words) how much I appreciate that. It's taken a few years but I feel like I've regained her trust and we are probably closer know than we have ever been. Part of that is due to maturity, we are both in our late 50's and as empty nesters now we have grown closer since the kids have left.

Now the bad news, it's going to take time and effort for you to do this (if it's even possible). And you need PATIENCE! You were drunk for 25 years, that's 300 months. You've been sober 5 months. Do the math. Over the past 300 plus months you've been sober less than 2% of the months and drunk in 98% of the months. It's going to take awhile to tip the scales towards sobriety so that your wife can trust and believe in you again. For me it got gradually better but it took maybe 3 - 4 years. Best wishes to you.
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Old 10-23-2015, 11:32 PM
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Hi -

As far as the serenity prayer goes, I suspect that you need acceptance of the fact that it could take a while to show your wife that you are willing and able to change. And the courage to focus on your own recovery and change. The step work is all about change, and without changing it will be very hard to make those living amends to your wife, especially if she is being prickly.

Are you doing step work with a sponsor? If so, it's worth having a good chat with them about this. They'll know exactly where you are with your recovery work and be able to guide you with this in mind. If not, it's really worth thinking about doing them. Those Promises really do come true, and will help you either with the relationship as it rebuilds, or the loss if it does, sadly, break down.

There are a number of things that help me when there is potential for my partner and I to be at odds (he still drinks heavily at the weekends, which could easily cause arguments if I allowed myself to get drawn into them).

1) I was told, that in most cases where there is bad feeling, I need to either apologise or forgive. Sometimes both. (At that stage I was still at a stage where most of the time I couldn't tell which was the case, so my sponsor often got called for advice on this). I have always struggled with apologies - they scared me. They always seemed like giving someone an invitation to judge me. And I never believed that any judgement of me was likely to go well. ) Anyway. I have got better at making apologies (and meaning them ) . Forgiveness was also something I always found tricky - my memory has generally never been great, apart from with regards to those times that I have felt wronged or that someone was being mean - then my memory is elephantine. Anyway, the step 4 work around resentments really helped me with that.
The resentment prayer is something that I use a lot, and find extremely effective...

RESENTMENT PRAYER:
God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thank you for your help and strength with this resentment.

I also start each day with a 'Do it Anyway' prayer - just to remind me about what I need to accept, and what I need to change. And if conflict or hurt feeling arise in the course of the day I go back to it again ...

God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.


In the past, if me and my partner argued, the only way for us to get over it was to wait til we woke up the next day (that seems crazy now). And I now see that it wasn't him making that so, it was me. (Oop. ) So, part of my living amends is to be ready and willing to apologise, or accept his apology and start the day afresh straight away. This is pretty difficult for me, so I make this part of my morning meditation / prayer...

'...Throughout the day, sharpen my awareness so that I can start my day again any time I choose. Keep me mindful, ready to forgive, and remembering to place principles before personalities in all areas of my life. Let me be wary of taking offence, and remain free from the shackles of my fears and ego... '

Initially when I went sober, my partner found all that 'change' quite threatening. We'd always been drunkards together. Now I was going home early, and going to meetings and making friends with people he didn't know. And even though some of my old behaviours weren't necessarily 'desirable' (ahem), I suppose there is a certain comfort in familiarity and being able to predict someone's reactions. However, now (19 month sober) my partner says that I am a much easier person to be with now. We have gone from being quite cold / distant to him telling me a number of times every day how much he loves me, and giving me spontaneous hugs.

There is always hope. Just keep your side of the street clean. She might be feeling scared and threatened, or resentful, or whatever. Let the counsellor work that one out, and keep doing your bit. When is your next counsellor session? Hopefully she will have had some time to think about how the pair of you could go about adapting your two differing communication styles so that there is less room for misunderstanding to arise and resentments to fester.

I hope things get smoother for you soon.
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