Help me stay strong :( :( :(
Today I am going to get ANOTHER eviction notice.
Im still new so the summary is; he's a 30 pack of Miller lite a day, Active alcoholic, I'm trying to detach and find peace, he now accusing me of having another man because after years of being ignored, I now ignore him and have set boundaries. He lives in MY house, rent free and refuses to acknowledge a problem (denial for days!), verbally abusive.
Now, I didn't follow thru with the last eviction in September because, as all alcoholics do, he promised AA meetings, to make a plan, to attend church, to try harder. Now, many of these Ive heard before but when he started asking me to take him to AA, I obliged. After several meetings, some I even attended with him (this is not his first rodeo with AA) I became very frustrated and angry. Nothing else was different. He was still drunk every day, from wake up until pass out, and would drink beer before we left and as soon as we got back in the door. I knew then that it was a ploy to not kick him out. When I would ask him sober what he thought he was doing by going to AA completely hammered and not really participating, he said I wasn't supportive of his efforts.
I'm sorry, that's just not enough for me. He's been in a court ordered alcohol program 2 years and had to give it up cold turkey (with detox if necessary) or face jail time. And guess what, he did it. So I don't believe the dog and pony show and these arent satisfactory efforts.
But I don't know why it's so hard. I hate being around him. I hate the smell of beer. The sound of the opening fridge or crack of an opening beer, having him miss my birthday dinner because he was drunk, on and on. I hate that he makes fun of me for going to the gym, or for anything he can grasp at.
I want to enjoy the holidays. I don't want to cry anymore because I'm so stressed knowing his drinking will ruin everyone's Christmas. My family is lecturing me constantly now that they know from a friend what's going on and that isn't helping. It just makes me feel hurried. Stupid. Like I was Blind to it all. I'm not those things but maybe nostalgic and hoping he'd live up to his full potential and work on his self esteem issues and see those same things I do.
I've tried everything from begging to ignoring. Finding places to detox/rehab. Talking. Couples counseling (but once she asked if he understood he was an alcoholic that came to a screeching halt).
I need to know that I'm doing is right for me. It's what I need to do for myself. I can't do anything else for him if he doesn't want to do for himself. And that he may never change. It's so hard to think I'm throwing him away. But I feel like no matter how much he says he loves me, he lives Miller lite more than me or any future for himself.
😥😥😥😥