JustAnotherDay

Today I am going to get ANOTHER eviction notice.

Im still new so the summary is; he's a 30 pack of Miller lite a day, Active alcoholic, I'm trying to detach and find peace, he now accusing me of having another man because after years of being ignored, I now ignore him and have set boundaries. He lives in MY house, rent free and refuses to acknowledge a problem (denial for days!), verbally abusive.

Now, I didn't follow thru with the last eviction in September because, as all alcoholics do, he promised AA meetings, to make a plan, to attend church, to try harder. Now, many of these Ive heard before but when he started asking me to take him to AA, I obliged. After several meetings, some I even attended with him (this is not his first rodeo with AA) I became very frustrated and angry. Nothing else was different. He was still drunk every day, from wake up until pass out, and would drink beer before we left and as soon as we got back in the door. I knew then that it was a ploy to not kick him out. When I would ask him sober what he thought he was doing by going to AA completely hammered and not really participating, he said I wasn't supportive of his efforts.

I'm sorry, that's just not enough for me. He's been in a court ordered alcohol program 2 years and had to give it up cold turkey (with detox if necessary) or face jail time. And guess what, he did it. So I don't believe the dog and pony show and these arent satisfactory efforts.

But I don't know why it's so hard. I hate being around him. I hate the smell of beer. The sound of the opening fridge or crack of an opening beer, having him miss my birthday dinner because he was drunk, on and on. I hate that he makes fun of me for going to the gym, or for anything he can grasp at.

I want to enjoy the holidays. I don't want to cry anymore because I'm so stressed knowing his drinking will ruin everyone's Christmas. My family is lecturing me constantly now that they know from a friend what's going on and that isn't helping. It just makes me feel hurried. Stupid. Like I was Blind to it all. I'm not those things but maybe nostalgic and hoping he'd live up to his full potential and work on his self esteem issues and see those same things I do.

I've tried everything from begging to ignoring. Finding places to detox/rehab. Talking. Couples counseling (but once she asked if he understood he was an alcoholic that came to a screeching halt).

I need to know that I'm doing is right for me. It's what I need to do for myself. I can't do anything else for him if he doesn't want to do for himself. And that he may never change. It's so hard to think I'm throwing him away. But I feel like no matter how much he says he loves me, he lives Miller lite more than me or any future for himself.
😥😥😥😥

Refiner

You say it's so hard to think you're throwing HIM away?? Why don't you say it's so hard to think you've been throwing YOURSELF away?? Typical Codie behavior, I'm afraid. You should learn to like yourself just a little bit. As long as you're taking care of his every need (food, shelter, transportation), and being treated horribly in the process, why should he change? Kick his sorry ass out!

JustAnotherDay

Fighting my Codie behavior is my biggest battle I fear. It's like I've been reprogrammed to accept unacceptable behavior! Sometimes I just need guidance to tell me what I'm doing is the right thing because I don't know what's right after 4 years of nonsense

Refiner

Stay strong in your resolve for the next step of EVICTION, JAD. We're here to support you in the process. You're actually going to do BOTH of you a favor by following through. You saw he could stop drinking when he was forced to (or face jail time). Maybe kicking him out is the kick he needs to get sober and lead a productive life (with or without you... Check back in with him in say... 2 years if you want). Does he even hold a job? You are holding you both back by changing nothing. Please follow through this time. Sure he'll cry and beg and promise to stop yaddah yaddah yaddah... Have him PROVE IT to you - from AFAR.

lizatola

Sweetie, you are not throwing him away. You are taking steps to make your life right for you. Sometimes relationships don't work out and addiction or alcoholism doesn't even come into play. Think of it as; you are giving him a chance to live his life as he chooses. You are giving him freedom, you're not throwing him away. No one wants to be in a relationship that's unbalanced, unfulfilling, or full of misery and despair.

Stay strong. As hard as it is, this may be the best thing for both of you. Hugs!

SparkleKitty

You're doing the right thing. You deserve better than this -- both from others and from yourself.

jjj111

You've been living with his drunken rants, throwing around your possessions when he gets angry, verbal abuse, and just general bad behavior since at least 2013, when you first posted about wanting to evict him. How do you see your life in 10 years? Do you want to still be doing this? Sounds like the only way something will change is if YOU make a change. If he becomes angry and abusive and throws things around like he did last time you threatened to evict him, call the police. You don't have to live like this.

JustAnotherDay

To be fair, he was actually sober (court ordered) for over a year so I took him back. This would actually be the second time I had to kick him out. And he fell off the wagon almost a year ago even though I treated the situation completely different upon taking him back. He did so well that ear but clearly it was only because he HAD to. I guess this is more of a wake up call than the previous because I see that he's still not admitting the problem. If will do it once, he will do it again and again is how I look at it now.

Hawkeye13

He's not sober now, and he never will be as long as he has no consequences
by sponging off you.

Follow through with the eviction--it will give both of you a chance for a new and better life JAD. . . .

atalose

The most loving and caring and kindest thing you could do for the both of you is to stop enabling him, evict him and move forward with the life you not only desire but deserve to live.

A life that does not include verbal abuse and someone who makes you feel bad about yourself and uncomfortable in your own home. .

So, he says he loves you................his actions clearly show that's not possible in his condition. So he got sober for a year............... and that's because he didn't want to go to jail now he's back to who he really is.

Often our friends and family see for us what we are unable to see for ourselves. They love you and want what's best for you......try not to beat them up because of that.

Missus

Don't think of it as throwing him (or the relationship) away, it's recycling something you've grown out of, that doesn't make you happy any more (can you tell I sent some stuff to the charity shop recently?)

minime13

I think that everyone who gets involved with an alcoholic develops codependent behavior regardless of whether or not that behavior existed prior. That's just one of the many pitfalls of loving one. What you give in a normal relationship is what they gobble up without giving back. So you give more, and more. Then your expectations dip and your worry strengthens. It happens so subtly that you don't realize what you've become until you step away.

You need a break from this to right your own ship. Evict him and get your peace back in your own home. Everyone deserves peace in their own home. From what you wrote, his own words didn't sound serious. He would go to AA meetings, try harder, go to church, etc., all things that he could do and say without technically saying he would stop drinking. They get tricky, and that's why you set your boundaries and make them clear. Don't let them ever set the boundaries because they are masters at manipulating everything.

My ex got me back so many times by admitting his problem and promising that he could change. Well, sure he could. Anyone could change. That's an easy thing to say. He wasn't lying, technically, but he was leading me into hanging on while he figured out what excuse to make next. I'm sure you've seen these things with 4 years devoted to this man, but the level of manipulation with alcoholics is so off the charts. You shouldn't have to get to the point of looking for those traps.

Honestly, in the experience I have seen and heard, it is rare for an alcoholic to truly dedicate himself or herself to recovering if they have a partner to fall back on. Even if you do detach with compassion or love, you're developing your own relationship habits that you should never have to practice. Then you'll be set with the task of unbreaking those habits when normal returns. You're doing the right thing. Just stick to it and start letting yourself heal. If he does ever commit to sobriety, you're going to have to do this work yourself anyway to have a healthy relationship. You don't have to wait for him to fix himself in order for you to work on yourself.

redatlanta

Ironic isn't it? Threat of jail and he stays sober a year. How many days has he been sober at your house? No consequences = free ride to do whatever you want. You are his worst enemy, though you probably think you are the only thing standing between him and making it.

But I feel like no matter how much he says he loves me, he lives Miller lite more than me or any future for himself.

At a 30 pack a day how much time do you guys spend having a legible conversation about your future, or how much you love each other? You can't stand being around him that's clear. Before you destroy your life GET on with getting rid of him. Financially, mentally, emotionally - there is nothing here that benefits you AT ALL.

Liveitwell

Minime and Redlanta-spot on. Thank you for sharing your words. Needed these tonight!!

JustAnotherDay

@redatlanta I agree completely!!! I guess I need validation to how I feel (though I know I SHOULDNT need to be validated by others).

I've used this example for him many times, "there's no reason you can't stop except yourself".

I hate it. But another thing is that from reading all of your posts I now know that not every alcoholic is abusive like this. Some are just sorry and won't work. Others will. Some are physically violent. I guess no two alcoholics are alike, yet they're the same. But it hurts for us all the same