Over the weekend I kind of developed a bit of disillusionment with this site and I was on the verge of quitting posting (until I come back again at square one, or worse, in 6 more months).
When I start I have things to say and a feeling of rawness which makes sharing and relating helpful. Now my insight is dimmed, actually non-existent, and I feel that what I'm posting is the same as I posted the day before and the day before and the .......ad infinitum.
I still checked in though and found a post elsewhere which touched a nerve. It was just a regular post but it connected with me and then I remembered how important posting is in helping me stay strong. At present I'm still torn as I'm beginning to cringe at my content. Maybe I'm just subconsciously preparing for a slip.
Anyway back to form and diary entry #24648.
Yesterday was a strange day. It started well when I managed to squeeze into trousers I'd bought a couple of months ago. A plus for sobriety. My family then went on an almost 3 hour drive to our closest Costco. I felt happy until I entered the alcohol section. I seriously think there was a tear in my eye when, after a mental to and fro, I turned and left. I really felt like ****. A minus for sobriety.
I then proceeded to drive 3 hours home in a foul mood. I was actually pretty surprised at how depressed I felt, really down. I am never that depressed unless I've been drinking and the fact that I could get so low without alcohol shocked and depressed me even more. I went to bed about 8.
I did have a great sleep ( insomnia tip: 6 hours of driving will do that) and went to the gym this morning grateful that I could. Now I find myself in bed again at 6:30 on a friggin Sunday night and in a funk and I don't really know why I'm so low.
Kudos to anyone who has read this.