Hang in there FBL
I'm sorry about your father. It sounds like you were close. Have you thought about maybe postponing that visit to a time when you feel stronger? I hope that doesn't sound insensitive but your recovery is pretty important. Oct 31 is the anniversary of my hub's death....its really hard losing someone. I understand what you're saying about wanting to feel some connection with someone who is gone. I don't know that that is possible. I guess it becomes about acceptance and remembering the good times. I don't really know, frankly.
I do know that drinking will not help.