QuietToday

My last few posts have been madness, and drinking is really pinning me down.

But last night I really came close to messing up on a very serious level. There's no story to the drinking story; just drunk, drunker, and then so drunk that I almost got myself thrown out of college. I'm extremely lucky that it didn't happen, and while I made many other problems also during the night they're fortunately social-bruises rather than gashes; a series of apologies will do, I hope.

So I need to quit again. I'm out of control, but more so is that I'm not doing anything. I'm smoking 60 cigarettes a day; I am afraid of thinking, I'm so devoured in this madness. Smoke, smoke, smoke--- and then eventually I'm drunk and don't feel bad about not doing any work and so go smoke some more cigarettes.

I'm not behind in my classes or anything, but I am aware of the problems yet again of my drinking. The embarrassment is no lesser this time around; honestly, it feels even worse.

So just like when I started here on SR, I now took all the booze and all the cigarettes and tossed them into a box and then into the dumpster.
I'm a poor college student who wants to just about weep at throwing out what is probably $150 of booze and tobacco--- except there's nothing worse than the life I am leading with those things in it.

So I'm back, SR. And this time I'm sticking by.