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I think I'm ready to go sober again

Old 10-03-2015, 04:31 PM
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I think I'm ready to go sober again

My last few posts have been madness, and drinking is really pinning me down.

But last night I really came close to messing up on a very serious level. There's no story to the drinking story; just drunk, drunker, and then so drunk that I almost got myself thrown out of college. I'm extremely lucky that it didn't happen, and while I made many other problems also during the night they're fortunately social-bruises rather than gashes; a series of apologies will do, I hope.

So I need to quit again. I'm out of control, but more so is that I'm not doing anything. I'm smoking 60 cigarettes a day; I am afraid of thinking, I'm so devoured in this madness. Smoke, smoke, smoke--- and then eventually I'm drunk and don't feel bad about not doing any work and so go smoke some more cigarettes.

I'm not behind in my classes or anything, but I am aware of the problems yet again of my drinking. The embarrassment is no lesser this time around; honestly, it feels even worse.

So just like when I started here on SR, I now took all the booze and all the cigarettes and tossed them into a box and then into the dumpster.
I'm a poor college student who wants to just about weep at throwing out what is probably $150 of booze and tobacco--- except there's nothing worse than the life I am leading with those things in it.

So I'm back, SR. And this time I'm sticking by.
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Old 10-03-2015, 04:37 PM
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Welcome back, QuietToday.

Don't worry about that $150.00. Throwing that alcohol away will actually turn out to be an investment into your future which will continue to pay-off over and over again.

Good to have you back.
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Old 10-03-2015, 04:57 PM
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You have to stop or gets worse with time...
No matter how much u smoke and drink it will never fill u up!
Never endless hole insude will. Never fill your life!

You are in the wrong direcction and have a life ahead...
Do not waste it..
You can do great at college even get to Uni
U just convinced yourself ur average and does not have to be.
I used to think I did not have the brains or the memory 2 make it!
But was wrong...
just put some effort till I you make it!
You can do it.. u just do not realize how far u can get now!
U r focusing in the wrong direction...
U can achiebe anything u want but need to put effort into it and do not give up in the firt hurdle!!!
U do not realize how lycky u r untill u loose it!
Is not too late . Get on with ur life...

What ever ur scared off face it!
That fill u up!
You r inteligent enough to make it u kust do not realize!

Behind fears r the opportunities!
Can go far in life and that realy fills u!!!
Achivements... feeling proud of yourself!
Getying into Uni... getting the job u freamed off!
Other stuff no matter how much u take it will never satisfy u!
The crabing never stops no matter how much u consume...

PLEASE:
Close ur eyes... think what kind of life do u dream off!
What kind of job woud make u proud! What life woud make u happy!
AND GO FOR IT!

this other path will only make u unhappier by day!
Do not be stupid and wake upppp!!!

There is so much out there...
U have to live... do not miss it!!!

Take the best decision un ur life!
Quit wilst ur ahead...
U hace all our support! XO
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Old 10-03-2015, 05:49 PM
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Welcome back QT
besides throwing out the booze etc ( great move btw) any ideas yet on a plan?

D
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Old 10-03-2015, 06:00 PM
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In the beginning I could not handle quitting forever but I could admit to myself I would never be able to drink normally. I could also handle sobriety a day at a time. I slowly came to realize I would have to make some systemic changes in life and get the help of others.

For me that meant professional help and AA
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Old 10-03-2015, 06:37 PM
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QuietToday - great to see you determined once again to reclaim your life.

When I first joined SR I was a wreck too - and as a much older person. When I was your age I insisted that I could be a social drinker. As a result, my life fell apart. This never has to happen to you. I'm so glad you see where this is heading. We simply can't trust what'll happen once it's in our system. It always leads to danger and the unexpected. We don't need it.
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Old 10-03-2015, 07:05 PM
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Thanks everyone!

Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Welcome back QT
besides throwing out the booze etc ( great move btw) any ideas yet on a plan?

D
I'm not too sure. When I was going great this Summer I built up a Sober Journal. It was mostly just a journal, but the first ten or so pages were dedicated to ways with dealing with triggers, recognizing events that were troubling, and other such things.
I still have the journal, so I suppose I shall continue.

My school also has the counselor (which I've not yet gone to). I don't know though what will happen if I go and speak to the counselor about alcoholism and trying to stay sober. I dorm---- so could this end up in my being removed from dorms? I really couldn't let that happen.
I do want to speak the counselor. I really do. But I've heard that there can be actions taken from it when you do so, and I dunno; I just want to be able to live soberly, and I really love my school and dorm when I'm sober.
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Old 10-04-2015, 01:32 AM
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Go to the office councelar and knok on the door.
Ask for help and say you regreted and want to straighten yout life...
Ve truthfull they will help u durely.
It does not matter the past u learn from it.
Move forward.


Joig a gym too. It helps tones to sweat the stress.
And set a timetable of studies and gym etc.
Come here when u r not well...

Avoid bars. Situations and if the preasure u ti drink tell them u do not want to drink... u drive. U have a bad stomac have a headache etc...

Ur not going to regret. Start a new life.
But u need direction so u do nit go for drinks but to achive the life u deserve.

U r special never forget!!!
Do not waste it and go forward .............

Note:
Sorry about the spelling am on a small phone difficult to type....
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:19 AM
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Gosh I wish I could just sleep.

Sobriety long-tern isn't easy, but boy is the first night of it especially hard. It isn't that I want a drink, but it's that, like the last time, I chose sobriety today because of a horrible night prior.

Just keep thinking about it, and boy is it getting me riled and embarrassed and all sorts of things.

That I threw the cigarettes too isn't helping either. With alcohol it's mostly something that comes on at night or through things that influence me towards it, but cigarettes are hourly (even half-hourly, sometimes) cravings of an extremely powerful level for me.

But I've done it all before. Just got to get through tonight and maybe tomorrow and I'll stop thinking about that last drink and get moving with sober thinking. And cigarettes take me about a week to get used to not having, but I've done it so I just need to keep remembering that.

But man--- can't seem to get comfy. Just want to make coffee or something, but it being 5 in the morning makes that seem rather silly.

I will say that I am excited to wake up tomorrow. Haven't been sober in a month and this is why my sleep is all off, and also it's why I can never wake up in the morning except when I have to get out of bed for class. I've got the alarm set for noon (which is 6 hours earlier than I've been waking!) and as I'm sober I think I'll be able to actually get up. It's really getting to be the fall season so I just want to walk around in the cool weather and take big gulps of actual air and just feel all those clicks inside my head as it gets out of this craziness and restores to good, sober order.
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Old 10-04-2015, 04:02 AM
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Sober sunday. You can do eeeeeet. WB.

Dru -
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:52 PM
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You can make it....
We are very proud of you!

Keep holding on.. buy tila to drink and chewing gums gor the nerves!
Go for walks... when are not well it helps!

We know hard it is but u will get better
And never regret.
Learn from it and move forward!

XO
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Old 10-05-2015, 01:00 AM
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Mostly succeeded? Didn't drink, but I took the shuttle off-campus and before I knew it bought a packet of cigarettes.

Not great, but I didn't drink anyway. Heart is really feeling crazy from cigarettes anymore so I guess I'll be trying again tomorrow. Don't have to go off campus for a while now as I'm all stocked up on food (eat like crazy in the first weeks of sobriety!) so I'm eager to try again.

Either way; didn't drink, and I didn't drink last night either. I did get to enjoy the day and took a good simple walk over to the mountain and just breathed and felt alright. Tonight I did some more in-depth work for one of my classes that if I was drinking probably wouldn't have done at all also.

Feels good already. It's only been a day and a half/two days but I can feel that that last drink is out of my system and I'm making an effort to focus on my sober being currently, to feel that confidence of my movements and the strength in my arms and legs again.

The cigarettes are a real bummer though; I want to get totally clean, and really come to understand and appreciate that. A big part of my falling off from sobriety is that I came back to school and was suddenly terrified that I couldn't make friends or meet girls without drinking. I'd forgotten about the physical confidence that sobriety offers, and caved in to that nonsense.

So I want to feel good, and I want to look good, and I want to understand that only through sobriety will I feel that way. And I'm rather positive that a confident and capable person is much more attractive than a slurring, ultra-vulnerable idiot.
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Old 10-05-2015, 02:49 PM
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So happy u r getting your head ttund it!

maybe all in one go is too much...
just stick to not drinking!!!
avoid places what ever u do and you have an aim!!!
that is the most important!!!

maybe try nicotine patches or something!
they go directly to your blood and then calms the brain cravings,
they work if u have made up ur mind you hate them.
they are a chain and at a high price!
first you kick the habit and them cut down on nicotine the addiction!
WORKS!

I strugle with cigarretes too... if I am not on something I go back to fags!
I am an expert now... tryied all


be yourself and u will have real friends!
be drunk and ur head will be a mess... yo
u will fail college and then u will regretttt!
And u have agreat life ahead!
why miss it?

concentrate in what u want and with effort u will make it!
Glad ur sticking sober
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Old 10-05-2015, 10:59 PM
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I quit because I was tired of daily hangovers.
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Old 10-05-2015, 11:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Aiko View Post
So happy u r getting your head ttund it!

maybe all in one go is too much...
just stick to not drinking!!!
avoid places what ever u do and you have an aim!!!
that is the most important!!!

maybe try nicotine patches or something!
they go directly to your blood and then calms the brain cravings,
they work if u have made up ur mind you hate them.
they are a chain and at a high price!
first you kick the habit and them cut down on nicotine the addiction!
WORKS!

I strugle with cigarretes too... if I am not on something I go back to fags!
I am an expert now... tryied all


be yourself and u will have real friends!
be drunk and ur head will be a mess... yo
u will fail college and then u will regretttt!
And u have agreat life ahead!
why miss it?

concentrate in what u want and with effort u will make it!
Glad ur sticking sober
Thanks, Aiko!

I'm definitely avoiding anywhere with alcohol at the moment. I don't feel the kick for booze like I do cigarettes, but as for as long as possible I'm staying away from anywhere that sells it, whether with meals or in package.

Cigarettes are really hard.... Depending on whether I slip up and buy a packet again, I will consider the patch as I really need to quit the things. I've no self-control at all with cigarettes just like wth booze; at least 20 cigarettes a day even when sober. I'm at 8 years with smoking, which is a drop in the bucket for some, but for me that's just about all I can take; my heart aches from morning to night anymore.

So far I feel relatively okay. 3 days without drinking, and 6 hours without having cigarettes.
It's weird. The cigarettes are an hourly want and make me feel crazy, whereas drinking I can go days without--- except, when the craving for the drink comes it really kicks my legs, fast.

So I'm being careful. If the cigarettes are too frustrating then I will either go to the patch or maybe let 'em back until I get a month or two sober and try again. But right now I'm optimistic; feel like I can do this, so long as I keep reminding myself at each and every craving what I've chosen sobriety for.
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Old 10-06-2015, 09:11 PM
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Had a horrible day and I've been fantasizing about having a wash in beer for a while. Really out of it.
Loaded with coarse-work all of a sudden, one professor snubbed me, another gave me a low grade, and I've a small, growing feud with my dorm-mates. It also doesn't help that these guys drink very heavily every day, and it's not that I want to drink their booze or anything, but that I'm finding myself extremely testy toward their drunk behavior, and it's that dull anger that has me wanting vices again.

Just want to sleep, but my schedule is still completely off. I can also hear my roommates through the walls, and this semester my window is against the quad where there's a lot of loud drinking and babble going on also.

Just sour. Very, very sour right now. I have so much work to do over the next 6 days, and then some more stuff coming up also.

It's impossible this weekend, but next weekend I'm taking the train-ride back home. I can tell how fast I'm getting beat up without having my vices because I don't know how to soberly deal with things anymore, and maybe it was a bad week to do it (isn't it always though?). Still, I'm not going to fold to drinking or cigarettes just yet--- but I would really like to go home for a few days and just sit in solid silence for a while.

Wednesdays I don't have class so tomorrow I'm getting off-campus and I'm just going to stay off for as long as I want and not worry about school work for a little while. Don't really have money but I'm going to buy some kind of warm cooked meal; could really use a good plate of food right now.
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Old 10-06-2015, 10:23 PM
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Wow. Just remembered that I am set up for the Language Exam tomorrow.

I genuinely don't recall setting this up, and I can thoroughly say that for the month I've been at school and restored to being a drunk, I haven't practiced any Spanish at all.

That's what I did this Summer when I was sober. I committed to learning Spanish and I did pretty good, I think. I maybe could have opted out of 2/3 classes I have to take...
But I haven't studied in a month. Just looked over some of my notes (have about 200 pages from this Summer alone) and all of it I still recall--- but for the test tomorrow, I can't say I'll still be able to recognize it.

Now I want to drink. This is really the icing on this **** cake. A bad day, tons of work, antagonization, and now a healthy dose of my own short-coming and irresponsible living.

Oh well though. Got nothing, and come next week I'll be over these hurdles and onto new ones. But the lack of cigarettes is tough--- don't feel like I can catch my breath right now. Just want to stop and let my head recover, but I still don't know how to do that without smokes.
Feel crazy, sort of.
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Old 10-06-2015, 11:50 PM
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i'm pretty much in the same boat as you, especially with cigarettes. i'm not even trying that yet, maybe after i get some time without drinking under my belt i'll feel confident enough to try that but for right now i just don't see it happening.

keep it going tho, dumping $150 of smokes and booze is something i could have never done, don't go back on your resolution!
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Old 10-07-2015, 12:17 AM
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It sounds like a rough week but it's a finite period - you can get through this - and post as much as you need to QT

D
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Old 10-07-2015, 12:25 AM
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Originally Posted by tenspeedblender View Post
i'm pretty much in the same boat as you, especially with cigarettes. i'm not even trying that yet, maybe after i get some time without drinking under my belt i'll feel confident enough to try that but for right now i just don't see it happening.

keep it going tho, dumping $150 of smokes and booze is something i could have never done, don't go back on your resolution!
It's certainly tough. For me this is the second time I've seriously quit booze, and while I fell off, it was only for a month before I caught myself. So I still feel rather close to sober thinking in that way, which is why I'm doubling up with going for smokes too---

But gosh, I don't know. To be honest I just took a walk around campus (it's 3am; nicotine jives got me), and I found a perfect cigarette on the ground. It was a 100 and broke at the filter, so I guess someone tossed it---
Yeah. I broke that filter off and smoked the thing and it was absolutely the best thing I've ever tasted in the world :P

So I'm not quite there yet. I threw them out, and haven't bought any--- but if I find one when I'm craving, or even muster up the courage to try and bum one from somebody, I probably will.

Gotta' keep trying, anyway!
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