New Journal To Recovery
Hello all,
After many attempted fails at recovery, 60 days being my longest streak, it’s time for me to look deep inside and see that I have a problem. Im facing the aftermath of a second DUI and it’s been real stressful for me. The fact that I have to depend on someone else to get to work and being on foot has done damage to me drastically to my emotion.
How do I manage to deal with my problem? You guess it, alcohol. But last week was some sort of a wakeup call (like the second DUI was not bad enough). I went on a two day cognac binge; I have gone for longer but I drink mostly on the weekends, but this one took an emotional toll on me. I was deeply sadden the next few days and had pain in my abs. It’s like I have something missing and drinking fills that void for the moment but then comes crashing.
So the next few days I spent time alone reading a lot and analyzing my situation. I have a tendency of living in the past and future but slowly I am learning to live in the now. Looking at my life, I now focus on the cause to my effects rather than trying to fix my effects with effects. I know deeply that it’s my inner thinking that is causing me to act how I act, so now I'm monitoring my thoughts and thinking more before I act.
Another opener was that I cannot expect different results and doing the same thing so I must change in order for my surroundings to change. I was able to stay sober for 60 days before. What can I do now to stay sober again? What helped me during that time was:
• Posting a lot on this forum and seeking support
• Working out
• Reading
• Letting me fear of criticism go
Im a very calm laid back dude, but I tend to hurt people and I also act a fool under the influence. I shamed myself in front of many people at times and I don’t want to be looked as a drunken fool. The only thing I will miss about the alcohol and one of the main reasons is the sex and the confidence it gives me at time. I don’t think I ever made love sober.
Some of you guys will bash me for the many times I failed in recovery and my refusal to attend meetings so im just asking for support in my toughest time which is the weekend.
Thank you for reading!
Have to get back to work