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New Journal To Recovery

Old 10-02-2015, 06:48 AM
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New Journal To Recovery

Hello all,

After many attempted fails at recovery, 60 days being my longest streak, it’s time for me to look deep inside and see that I have a problem. Im facing the aftermath of a second DUI and it’s been real stressful for me. The fact that I have to depend on someone else to get to work and being on foot has done damage to me drastically to my emotion.

How do I manage to deal with my problem? You guess it, alcohol. But last week was some sort of a wakeup call (like the second DUI was not bad enough). I went on a two day cognac binge; I have gone for longer but I drink mostly on the weekends, but this one took an emotional toll on me. I was deeply sadden the next few days and had pain in my abs. It’s like I have something missing and drinking fills that void for the moment but then comes crashing.

So the next few days I spent time alone reading a lot and analyzing my situation. I have a tendency of living in the past and future but slowly I am learning to live in the now. Looking at my life, I now focus on the cause to my effects rather than trying to fix my effects with effects. I know deeply that it’s my inner thinking that is causing me to act how I act, so now I'm monitoring my thoughts and thinking more before I act.

Another opener was that I cannot expect different results and doing the same thing so I must change in order for my surroundings to change. I was able to stay sober for 60 days before. What can I do now to stay sober again? What helped me during that time was:

• Posting a lot on this forum and seeking support
• Working out
• Reading
• Letting me fear of criticism go

Im a very calm laid back dude, but I tend to hurt people and I also act a fool under the influence. I shamed myself in front of many people at times and I don’t want to be looked as a drunken fool. The only thing I will miss about the alcohol and one of the main reasons is the sex and the confidence it gives me at time. I don’t think I ever made love sober.

Some of you guys will bash me for the many times I failed in recovery and my refusal to attend meetings so im just asking for support in my toughest time which is the weekend.
Thank you for reading!
Have to get back to work
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Old 10-02-2015, 07:01 AM
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no-one is going to 'bash' you - I certainly hope not.

One thing I didn't see on your list was : Don't drink no matter what.

Once you put yourself in the mindset of not "needing" a drink things become easier.
For many the toughest part is accepting that they can never drink again.
Some look at this as defeat. Actually, it is a victory! Once you establish that in your mind, and fully embrace that you will never drink again - and don't need to - you can take a more controlled approach on how to deal with 'life'.
When I lost my job the first thing I said to myself was that I was never gonna let alcohol affect my life again. And the only way for me to achieve that goal was to never drink again. NEVER. I didn't play around with the thought of maybe I can have one or two in time. I learned from the experience of others that thinking like that is playing with fire. I read countless times of someone who decided to have 'a' drink. Just one for whatever particular reason. Two months later or two years later and longer after that one drink they are back talking about it and wishing they could stop again.

Maybe take a read up on AVRT - the "long version" sticky in the secular connections forum. It can help you make the decision to take control and make a commitment to never drink again. Do this along with whatever else you have planned to help you. Group support is beneficial. But until you make the decision to never drink again no matter what, all the support in the world might not help you stop. It really is up to you. You can be more powerful than your desire to drink. Take charge, you can do this I know it.
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Old 10-02-2015, 07:04 AM
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Thanks for your post. That was how i last slipped. I had that one thought that i could have one drink and that turned to a whole year binge. You are absolutely right!
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Old 10-02-2015, 07:20 AM
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Hey Ghost face

I know how you're feeling. Its truly accepting that I can never drink again, removing that obsession, that will free me. I think I have it for a while but it creeps back in .

I was googling stuff last night and I found a website called bma-wellness.com. There are tons of papers about how we alcoholics think. It really slams home the enormous amount of denial I think most alcoholics engage in in order to protect our addiction. I'm sure there is much to debate in the articles, and they made me a bit 'uncomfortable' because I felt like my condition was being discussed in such an abstract, lab rat, kinda way. But the truth is, my addiction is constantly trying to shape my reality and control me. It fights me non stop to stay alive. I know the longer I am sober and the more I shut that voice down, the weaker it will become. Just takes time and practice. Hang in there.
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Old 10-02-2015, 07:33 AM
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Welcome back GhostFace. I truly hope this can be "the time" for you where you finally accept that your alcoholism and move forward.

The bottom line is that you'll get as much out of your sobriety as you put into it. It's great that you have made a list of things you'll do from this point forward, holding yourself accountable to those plans each and every day is key. Don't rule out other support either - as you spend time here on SR you'll learn about self paced recovery methods, and other kinds of face to face support. Keep an open mind and always remember that if you truly want to make sobriety your goal, you will need to do things you don't want to do to achieve it.

Having said all that, I can say from experience that EVERYTHING is better once I got sober. So please cast off the assumption that some things won't be as "fun" or as "good" once you take alcohol out of the equation.
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Old 10-02-2015, 07:44 AM
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GhostFace - - Thanks for posting this; I've had many, many 60-day-recoveries myself. You're doing a couple of the same things that are working for me; learning to live much more in the now has really helped. It has allowed me to do another really helpful thing you menioned, which is monitoring your thoughts and thinking more before you act. There's that little voice in your head that you have to become hyper-aware of; the one that keeps telling you "It'll be okay to have just one drink, you need it, you deserve it, just one." That's your Addictive Voice. It's actually a real, genuine part of your brain, part of your hard-wired survival system that evolved to make you pursue survival-related things that are pleasurable like food. Unfortunately alcohol is highly pleasureable too, and for some of us our survival system goes haywire and drives us toward alcohol like it's a matter of life of death. For me, I have to watch for that sneaky little Addictive Voice and override it; tell it to SHUT THE HELL UP (not out loud, but inside my head) when it tries to convince me to drink, almost like it's a separate person. I posted more about this in the SoberRecovery Blog Section, here --> SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - PasserbyDave
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Old 10-02-2015, 08:20 AM
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I don't know why you think members here would bash you. It's too bad you feel that way.

And, many of us do not attend meetings, no criticism there either.
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Old 10-02-2015, 09:04 AM
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Thank you all for your input. The past week has put me in a state of anger, more disappointed at myself on the person I’ve become. The past 3 days sober has giving me a bit of clarity on my action. I keep thinking about the future and how life would be without alcohol. What would my family and friends think knowing that I love to drink? Luckily my best friend and close family know my problem and encourage me to stop.

There’s a lot that I hold in and it actually feels good to let them out. As part of recovery, I tend to do daily update on the thread in hopes of support and accountability. It also feels good to know that there is other methods of sobriety that does not involve AA.
Thank you all.
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Old 10-02-2015, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by GhostFace View Post
What would my family and friends think knowing that I love to drink?
Trust me on this...they already know. That's one of the tricks that our addiction plays on us, that we are somehow "hiding" our drinking from everyone, but believe me they know.
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Old 10-02-2015, 09:40 AM
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GhostFace - We're always going to be here to support you & not judge. (I don't attend meetings myself, & I'm over 7 yrs. sober.) Most of us had many false starts. I hope this will be the time you make it - we're here to listen and help if we can.
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Old 10-02-2015, 09:44 AM
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Welcome back, GhostFace; this day can be the beginning of your unending winning streak. Just don't pick up that first drink. Log on here if you experience cravings or are in a triggering situation.

As LBrain mentioned, you may find AVRT useful.

Glad that you are back, GhostFace.
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Old 10-02-2015, 10:50 AM
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Welcome back GhostFace!! You can do this!!
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Old 10-02-2015, 12:16 PM
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So good to see you Ghostface
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Old 10-02-2015, 12:25 PM
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Thank you guys, i see alot of familiar names from way back
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Old 10-02-2015, 02:35 PM
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So I just got home and the temptation were creeping on my commute. I already had one of my drinking friends call me and ask “what are you doing tonight?” I replied, “nothing much just laying low” and that was all.

My mind starts going crazy and that voice saying that I can and should drink keep coming back.
Plans for tonight are playing video games, work on my home business and do some reading. Im going to have a lot of alone time and it’s going to be difficult to adapt but I must stay strong and keep myself busy.
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Old 10-02-2015, 03:40 PM
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Hi GhostFace

I really needed to make some changes in my life cos my life was all about drinking.

I had to be ready for those guys who'd call, and I had to be willing to forego the usual things I'd do if they involved alcohol.

You show some great self awareness in your initial post but there's two halves to that equation - thinking of what you should do, and then following through and do it.

Like Scott said, you'll get out of your recovery what you put into it, so give it all you have.

Would you go to meetings if they weren't AA for example?

D
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Old 10-02-2015, 04:15 PM
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Hey dude. Much support here.

So when I was spinning out of control and still in full denial that I was (am) an alcoholic, I stayed sober twice - both times for about 60 days. I thought that by doing so I would be able to control my drinking afterwards. WRONG. I just drank more.

It wasn't until I created a plan that it stuck this time (9 months). The only difference now (like LBrain pointed out earlier) my number 1 priority was (is) Don't drink today (repeat tomorrow). And then you'll think of all the things you can do and change to make that happen.

If I can do it, so can you.
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Old 10-03-2015, 05:34 AM
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Yikes, with a lot of alone time that temptation, that nagging Addictive Voice in your head is going to keep at you, GhostFace, so be brave, be fierce, and keep posting here so you have friends standing behind you in this battle. You can do it. I'm really rooting for you to get through this weekend without a drink.
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Old 10-03-2015, 06:44 AM
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Thank you all!

I woke up this morning feeling great with no hang over. My number one plan today is to not have that first drink. If that thought does arrive I will shut it down and if the temptations get too strong I will ask for here for help.

Today is my 4th day sober
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Old 10-03-2015, 12:48 PM
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Excellent big congrats Ghostface

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
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