Thank you for your reply, Ann.
What you say is very true, his behaviour does not match his words and that is such a crucial indicator!
It makes me sick that he bullies me in front of our little girls (they are 23 months and 4 years). When I tell him this is not acceptable to reduce me to tears in front of them, he will either play the victim and be full of apologies or he will tell me that I cannot stop him from seeing them and he will get me in trouble. I feel that by upsetting me, he is upsetting them as I am the only one who looks after them.
As far as getting legal advice is concerned, I am in a tricky spot
I gave up work to raise our children and since he left I have had to claim benefits in order to live (I am in the UK). I do not have enough money to afford a solicitor and have tried for 'legal aid' but was turned away as they could not help me without social services involvement. As I have no one available to look after my children and I cannot afford childcare, it's tricky until the youngest one is a little older! I have put together my own file of evidence (it's huge!) of photos of his drugs, screenshots of social media, texts, emails etc so if this does go to court I have done all that I can to protect my children. I feel strong enough to insist on drug/alcohol tests once we are in mediation - if he is clean he will do this no problem right!? I will do anything I can to protect my little ones, they are my world! xx