Denial

Old 10-01-2015, 02:31 AM
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Denial

Hello everyone,
It's been months since I last posted and my AH has seemed to have progressed worse and worse
He has gone from living with his mum to moving in with a 20 year old that works for him (he's 32) and starting a relationship with her. I have several mutual friends that know this girl and they say she is a big drinker so I fear he is continuing his lifestyle of drink and pills it's heartbreaking to know that he missed both our daughters birthdays my heart is broken that my husband who seemed to have so many strong morals moved out of our family home to get better and ended up having an affair and moving in with someone who validates his lifestyle is this a common thing, for them to end up with someone who also struggles with substance abuse? Apparently this girl has stopped looking after herself and looks "rough". This is not the man I knew and it's so hard to realise that! I am continuing to try very hard to take the focus off of him and onto myself and my 2 little girls. We deserve our own happiness and if he has chosen to carry on, so be it. I put so much time into doing things for us but it's easy to "wonder" what he's doing. I'm so much better than I was though.
I wanted to ask you guys about denial. My AH has been to solicitors about my refusal to let him have the children on his own (I currently meet him once a week so he can spend time with the girls at local play areas/restaurants). Would an addict/alcoholic in denial really not believe they have a problem!? Even though it's so obvious to people around them!? Would they really see a solicitor!? I have told him he can start having the children unsupervised when he can prove with hair strand tests that he's clean and has been for a substantial amount of time. He told me he cannot take the tests until mid November! He said he will take urine or blood tests though. Whenever I stand my ground with him he is so nasty and bullies me about my home (tells me to get out, his dad owns the house) or anything else he thinks he can control - he's a massive control freak. He says he's been clean for 8 weeks, but has had no rehab or support and is still living with this girl! He's been on pills and drinking for at least 2 years so surely he couldn't just stop!? He still looks unshaven and with watery eyes and a runny nose. Am I being unfair to not believe a word that comes out of his mouth!?!? His words say one thing but his behaviour rings so many alarm bells for me!! It's so hard because all I want to do is protect my children from him and what he's doing he constantly tells me I'm being unfair to him and the girls and that he will prove me wrong when we have mediation in 2 weeks time. He keeps saying "I have sorted myself out" and "I haven't got a problem, I have a glass of wine every other day but have stopped now and have only ever used pills when I've been unable to sleep". He has moved 3 sessions of mediation already (maybe in an attempt to get clean!?).
I feel like I'm doing the right thing not trusting him because his behaviour doesn't match someone in recovery, but part of me wonders if he really is clean!?
Does denial really work like this?
Thanks for reading x
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Old 10-01-2015, 04:16 AM
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Ann
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Whenever I stand my ground with him he is so nasty and bullies me about my home (tells me to get out, his dad owns the house) or anything else he thinks he can control - he's a massive control freak. He says he's been clean for 8 weeks, but has had no rehab or support and is still living with this girl! He's been on pills and drinking for at least 2 years so surely he couldn't just stop!? He still looks unshaven and with watery eyes and a runny nose. Am I being unfair to not believe a word that comes out of his mouth!?!?
His actions belie his words, he doesn't sound clean to me and if he was he would be willing to prove it.

He cannot bully you unless you let him. When conversation turns that way simply get up and walk away, no explanation necessary. If he bullies you in front of your children then he shouldn't be allowed to see the children at all, it sets an example for them that it is okay to bully and it is emotionally upsetting, they are the innocents who need you to be their protector.

My suggestion is to get some good legal advice then abide by it. Getting drawn into his world will not take you anyplace good.

Prayers out for you and your children, you deserve so much better than this.

Hugs
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Old 10-01-2015, 05:45 AM
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Thank you for your reply, Ann.
What you say is very true, his behaviour does not match his words and that is such a crucial indicator!
It makes me sick that he bullies me in front of our little girls (they are 23 months and 4 years). When I tell him this is not acceptable to reduce me to tears in front of them, he will either play the victim and be full of apologies or he will tell me that I cannot stop him from seeing them and he will get me in trouble. I feel that by upsetting me, he is upsetting them as I am the only one who looks after them.
As far as getting legal advice is concerned, I am in a tricky spot I gave up work to raise our children and since he left I have had to claim benefits in order to live (I am in the UK). I do not have enough money to afford a solicitor and have tried for 'legal aid' but was turned away as they could not help me without social services involvement. As I have no one available to look after my children and I cannot afford childcare, it's tricky until the youngest one is a little older! I have put together my own file of evidence (it's huge!) of photos of his drugs, screenshots of social media, texts, emails etc so if this does go to court I have done all that I can to protect my children. I feel strong enough to insist on drug/alcohol tests once we are in mediation - if he is clean he will do this no problem right!? I will do anything I can to protect my little ones, they are my world! xx
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Old 10-01-2015, 07:02 AM
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Ps his family are extremely wealthy and his father pays for his solicitor. He "works" for the family business and his dad provides him with a home rent free. His family are also in denial of all of his problems and believe that I am trying to prevent him seeing his children out of spite! I believe they contribute to his problems through their denial. They are preventing him from losing his home and job etc so he looks like he's doing well for himself on the outside!
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Old 10-01-2015, 04:26 PM
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Saffy, maybe call a women's shelter in your area and talk to someone there. They may have access to legal assistance that you could use. You don't have to be physically abused or go to a shelter to use their services and help. I volunteered at a shelter for several years and they helped a lot of women in the community to find help for their situations.

Can your family help you at all?

It's very hard going through all this but allowing him to treat you badly, whether in front of the children or not, is just not something you have to do.

Hugs
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Old 10-02-2015, 12:07 AM
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That's a really great idea, thank you so much. I have just looked into Women's Aid (the local charity) and they may be able to offer some free legal advice thank you.
My family are unable to offer help financially and have been supportive but they do not truly understand and are pretty much leaving me to it now this forum is such a help to me, because you guys understand what I am going through. xx
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Old 10-02-2015, 02:31 AM
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It sounds like you have been through hell and still going through. By all accounts, it certainly looks like he is in DENIAL or he just doesn't know how to STOP what he is doing. The young girlfriend is also part of his 'fix' right now. It's not unusual for addicts/users to team up like that...neither one has to deal with the guilt when they are with each other.

You've got to put yourself and your kids first or people like this will destroy your soul.

Be Well

and

God Bless
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Old 10-02-2015, 07:08 AM
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Thank you so much for your compassion teatreeoil007 - it has been and still is absolute hell there are days where I just don't feel like I can keep battling through any more. He thrives on control and uses my position as a single mum to control and abuse me and it's hard just waking up some mornings. My children are my focus and what keeps me going. It certainly feels like he is trying to destroy my soul but I really don't want that to happen. My children need a healthy, happy mum and I'm trying so hard to be that.
Thank you also for your insight, I agree about the young girlfriend being part of his "fix" and his way of coping with guilt. I guess it also fuels the denial if she has the same problem too, hey surely they can't both be addicts!? It really helps to have someone give their opinion on the situation as it helps me to stay strong and focused on protecting my girls from the pain and destruction this man causes. He uses manipulation techniques to play the victim and to avoid taking any responsibility and when I'm having weak moments sometimes I feel like it's me in the wrong by being a protective mother. xx
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Old 10-02-2015, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Saffy86 View Post
Thank you so much for your compassion teatreeoil007 - it has been and still is absolute hell there are days where I just don't feel like I can keep battling through any more. He thrives on control and uses my position as a single mum to control and abuse me and it's hard just waking up some mornings. My children are my focus and what keeps me going. It certainly feels like he is trying to destroy my soul but I really don't want that to happen. My children need a healthy, happy mum and I'm trying so hard to be that.
Thank you also for your insight, I agree about the young girlfriend being part of his "fix" and his way of coping with guilt. I guess it also fuels the denial if she has the same problem too, hey surely they can't both be addicts!? It really helps to have someone give their opinion on the situation as it helps me to stay strong and focused on protecting my girls from the pain and destruction this man causes. He uses manipulation techniques to play the victim and to avoid taking any responsibility and when I'm having weak moments sometimes I feel like it's me in the wrong by being a protective mother. xx
A big part of an addict getting clean and sober being held accountable. And staying that way. They may not like that, in some cases that is the only way they can't recover successfully. Right now, the younger girlfriend is not holding him accountable, and that's why he was probably drawn to her in the first place. She is fulfulling a need he has right now, even though we all know it's an unhealthy need. Unfortunately, it is usually the spouse who gets to be the one to hold them accountable and that can really wear on you! Thus, you got to really take care of your own self. For obvious reasons, he won't.

And, you should absolutely, positively NOT put up with ANY abuse.

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Old 10-02-2015, 01:08 PM
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teatreeoil007, that makes perfect sense! The younger girlfriend is all part of his addiction because she allows him to keep living in denial and not have to face up to anything that he has done! I am even more convinced that he's still using, despite his words saying the opposite. I have learnt so much about judging an addict's behaviour and not their words!! Knowing that she regularly drinks and smokes cannabis proves exactly why he's attracted to her - she validates what HE is doing!!
Thank you for this. x
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Old 10-02-2015, 11:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Saffy86 View Post
teatreeoil007, that makes perfect sense! The younger girlfriend is all part of his addiction because she allows him to keep living in denial and not have to face up to anything that he has done! I am even more convinced that he's still using, despite his words saying the opposite. I have learnt so much about judging an addict's behaviour and not their words!! Knowing that she regularly drinks and smokes cannabis proves exactly why he's attracted to her - she validates what HE is doing!!
Thank you for this. x
You're welcome! Best to you.
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Old 10-03-2015, 02:34 AM
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I share in your heartache, I really do. You are amazing for holding out and holding up the way you do. Caring for your children is the most important 'job' there is, no matter what you need to do to do that. It's rough right now. And don't know if you have anywhere else to turn. But you can be sure that even with you there in another part of the world from where I am that there is a higher power at play here to lift you up, to comfort you and your kids, to CARE for you and help you care for yourself.

To thine own self be true. You are a beautiful human being created by God who deserves the very best. You deserve to be free and happy.

Don't let anyone rob you of that. Anyone! I don't care how powerful or important,smart, cunning, attractive they are, don't let them rob you!

It must feel like life is against you right now. But just remember that there is ONE who is in control of the whole world and true justice will be served. You will have your redemption. It may not come overnight and it may take some time and some effort on your part. But if you keep pressing on and don't give up and don't give in until you are where you need to be to be healthy, happy and whole, it will all be worth it.

BeWell

God Bless
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Old 10-03-2015, 10:52 AM
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If he were to be trusted with the children alone .... then it seems as if you would know that. He obviously sets off a mom's pre programmed protection alarm. My ex was abusive in every way. When I had him removed from our home, he had supervised visitation at the house of a neutral party for two hours once a week. He was angry and felt humiliated. In denial about his potential for physical violence when drinking. So his non drinking self on those nights - had to suffer these feelings.

Too bad. I was afraid that he would take our youngest daughter or be drunk etc. This sufficed until he stopped coming and all regular visitation ended. The court did not force visitation. We were spared that battle.

It's a tough time and I wish you all the strength that you need. I never regretted leaving. We were apart for 13 years after the divorce and he died this past spring. He wasted his mind and his life. He had so little to do with his daughters. One ended up as an angry adult who makes little effort to stand on her own feet. The other is a gem. He didn't drink in the home but he would come home after being out. It's a bad cycle - if you can spare your children this type of exposure - then please do it. It's irreparable. I'm proud that you are conscientious and protective. This makes a huge difference in their young lives and as they grow into the world. Best to you, hugs, Joie
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Old 10-03-2015, 11:56 AM
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I cannot thank you enough for the support and understanding, teatreeoil007. I find people don't know what to say to me because they can't possibly understand, but on this forum we all truly understand what we are all going through. It's so appreciated xx

Hi Joie,
I remember your message back in the spring when your ex passed away. I have thought of you since and I hope you are doing ok.
I am super protective of my 2 girls because he has made me so cautious due to the things he has done. When he was still living with us, my little one was a small baby and she fell off the bed 3 times whilst in his care! He also hid pills all over the house in locations that were easily in reach of the girls. It makes me sick to think of it since he left, his behaviour only shows me someone who has progressed with his addiction, he has had no rehab or support or anything. My gut instinct as a mother is to keep my children protected until I see a man who is in recovery. But he's there sending me text after text saying he has sorted himself out and he will prove it (but then never does!). There is a part of me that thinks "what if he IS clean!?" But then I look at him and I just can't see it! Like your ex, he HATES that I insist on supervised visits. He tells me that surely I can see he is more than capable of being a father. But I see someone who is not who he was so I just can't trust him until I've seen absolute proof!! He says I'm being unfair on the children and not giving him the chance he needs to be a dad, I assume this is manipulation to guilt trip me to let him have what he wants. He wants to continue to use and to take the children when it suits him. I wonder if he too, like your ex, will eventually give up on the visits. Part of me hopes so, so we can move on without him. He is the same and doesn't actually do anything or care for the girls. Just wants to pick and choose when he sees them, but that's not being a father! I do everything for those girls and they are my world. My little one is not yet 2 and seems largely unaffected by the whole thing but my 4 year old is very insecure because of his behaviour. I wonder if this will affect her her whole life too, it's incredible the damage that an addict inflicts on those close to them.
Thank you so much for your kind words, honestly I get so much strength from you guys on here! You encourage me to keep doing the right thing and protect my innocent children from the destruction, even with his manipulations trying to stop me! xx
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