CluelessSister

Hi there. I'm new here, because I suddenly find myself in a situation and know that I only know enough at this point to be worried about doing things wrong/making things worse.

Turns out my 43yo little sister has been a long-term, often out-of-control alcoholic for years now. She swore my mom to secrecy about it, but my mom called me up in tears yesterday morning to confess that she regrets having agreed to that, and then filled me in on all of the last ~5? years' worth of trauma and ups and downs, because my sister is right now experiencing a life meltdown from her drinking.

Surprise!!!

[Note, this gets long no matter how I try to cut it down. I'm a writer so: a) I respond to problems by researching them, b) I can go on and on and often do... (...and c) I make ordered lists in form posts. *face palm*) Believe it or not, this is the much edited and substantially reduced version. But it's still long. If you want to skip to the last few paragraphs you'll get the basic question.]

Now she lives on the other side of the country, has an impressive professional career, and a new very serious boyfriend for the past few years which has caused her to split holidays with his family. We only see each other in person for a holiday every few years and email a few times a year. Yes, these are my excuses for not figuring it out somehow myself.

That and the fact that I am notoriously unable to notice/tell if someone is drunk. See I never figured out my mother was a life-long alcoholic until well after I moved out at 27. So yeah, it--like the clinical depression that hit me harder than anyone else--is a family thing. Apparently I was actually saved by my literal inability to really drink or ever get drunk. (Every time I've ever drunk alcohol I've gotten a blinding headache before I even hit "tipsy".)

≈Apparently her last, month-old (secret) detox stay looked to be working well... A until the new tenant she rented the downstairs of her house to committed suicide by insulin OD, leaving notes to the effect that he was an alcoholic, had lost his sponsor, was drinking again.... After that she crashed right back off the wagon.

As of yesterday her boyfriend (the only one aside from mom who knew) apparently told mom he'd given her an ultimatum: come back to Southern California for a "talk", or he was gone. Apparently he feels getting her out of her rut--where she's not only insisting he's being a "drama queen" about it, but has been now cutting off 20-and-30-year-old close friendships might help.

According to him she's drinking $35-40 in alcohol every night, is always "plowed", and he doesn't believe her when she denies driving drunk. She insists she's not in denial "because I know I'm a drunk". (*groan* The denial is in your thinking this can just go on and be fine!)

So Mom called me in tears, saying she'd tried to talk my sister into coming out--saying she was going to ruin all her relationships, her job would notice soon if they hadn't already and she'd lose that, then she'd lose the house too. Mom begged her to come out here and save her relationship, mom pleaded that my sister could make it an early 70th birthday present, or Christmas present, or anything, just please come out and let mom help.

When I heard that, I face-palmed. Mom was panicking, but it means the only other person (after her boyfriend) who's been talking to her about this/nagging her/fighting with her for over a year now has suddenly resorted to sobbing emotional blackmail. That just can't help things. I promised mom I'd call her.

The shock to my worldview aside, it means I'm the only one knows who hasn't talked to her on the subject. Trying to use that to advantage I left a voicemail/followed by an email saying basically the same thing: "Mom called me up in tears, she'd said everything was going to hell for you back there right now, and I just wanted to check in. Also she'd said you might be coming out here for a while? If so, [my wife] and I would love to have you come stay and hang out with us [true, we've missed her!], so let me know what's actually going on when you get a chance, o.k.?"

Now I don't doubt my mom or sister's boyfriend as to what's going on at all, but I played a little dumb and as non-threatening as possible in the hope that offering her a place to come out to that wasn't staying with mom would be something she could go for. She responded back texting, in a good mood: told me that yeah, things were happening, and she didn't know if she was coming out yet, but she loved us both and would call back later when she'd decided.

Midnight her time I'd still not heard heard a thing from her, so I sent a follow up text just saying "Didn't hear back, hope you're doing ok!" I've not heard anything since. (And don't want to join the group "nagging her", so stopped there.)

Now I know full well that I can't jump in and "save" her. I can't "jump in" and do anything. But, whether she comes out here or not, I'm going to have to deal with this. And I only know enough to know I could make a mess of it through well-meaning ignorance.

So I'm looking for knowledge, for advice. I have my own therapist and have made arrangements to see her tomorrow for the same. My wife saw her therapist this morning and got a lot of good advice.

But some of it made me realize that I'd been planning to get my sister out of the immediate crisis so she could think/plan without feeling defensive or hassled, and before anything irreversible happened--when for all I know the crisis may be inevitable and/or something she needs to deal with. It's such a surprise to me, and mom was so upset, that keep losing track that this isn't a sudden anomaly emergency situation to anyone but me. And that getting her out from under pressure might just serve to let her get drunk in peace. So the extreme non-pressure sanctuary I'd been planning might not be all that helpful, and in fact we'd probably need to set ground rules before she came out. Ugh.

See? I'm already missing at least part of the boat when it comes to helping here, hence me asking for advice: What to do and say that might help (and at least wouldn't hurt) for a sister living on the other side of the country that I love (and thought I knew) who I just discovered yesterday has been a frequently out-of-control alcoholic in secret for years now and is at this moment in a life-meltdown crisis point she won't acknowledge?

[Having looked around the forums and the general resources, I do feel a little weird posting here: She's not in recovery or struggling with staying sober. I don't live with her. I haven't had to deal with fall out from her drinking (until right now...and that's at a serious distance). I feel kind of like a fraud because I haven't dealt with all the trauma people here are talking about, the kind the resources address. I guess most people don't suddenly discover a beloved family member is a secret alchoholic, or if they do they don't come looking for info right away? Anyway: If this is in any way an inappropriate post, please let me know and I'll take it down.]

Thanks for listening.