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What to do when you discover your sister's been a secret alcoholic for years now?



What to do when you discover your sister's been a secret alcoholic for years now?

Old 09-25-2015, 07:16 PM
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Surprise, your sister's been a raging alchoholic for years! OMG WTF?!?
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Question What to do when you discover your sister's been a secret alcoholic for years now?

Hi there. I'm new here, because I suddenly find myself in a situation and know that I only know enough at this point to be worried about doing things wrong/making things worse.

Turns out my 43yo little sister has been a long-term, often out-of-control alcoholic for years now. She swore my mom to secrecy about it, but my mom called me up in tears yesterday morning to confess that she regrets having agreed to that, and then filled me in on all of the last ~5? years' worth of trauma and ups and downs, because my sister is right now experiencing a life meltdown from her drinking.

Surprise!!!

[Note, this gets long no matter how I try to cut it down. I'm a writer so: a) I respond to problems by researching them, b) I can go on and on and often do... (...and c) I make ordered lists in form posts. *face palm*) Believe it or not, this is the much edited and substantially reduced version. But it's still long. If you want to skip to the last few paragraphs you'll get the basic question.]

Now she lives on the other side of the country, has an impressive professional career, and a new very serious boyfriend for the past few years which has caused her to split holidays with his family. We only see each other in person for a holiday every few years and email a few times a year. Yes, these are my excuses for not figuring it out somehow myself.

That and the fact that I am notoriously unable to notice/tell if someone is drunk. See I never figured out my mother was a life-long alcoholic until well after I moved out at 27. So yeah, it--like the clinical depression that hit me harder than anyone else--is a family thing. Apparently I was actually saved by my literal inability to really drink or ever get drunk. (Every time I've ever drunk alcohol I've gotten a blinding headache before I even hit "tipsy".)

≈Apparently her last, month-old (secret) detox stay looked to be working well... A until the new tenant she rented the downstairs of her house to committed suicide by insulin OD, leaving notes to the effect that he was an alcoholic, had lost his sponsor, was drinking again.... After that she crashed right back off the wagon.

As of yesterday her boyfriend (the only one aside from mom who knew) apparently told mom he'd given her an ultimatum: come back to Southern California for a "talk", or he was gone. Apparently he feels getting her out of her rut--where she's not only insisting he's being a "drama queen" about it, but has been now cutting off 20-and-30-year-old close friendships might help.

According to him she's drinking $35-40 in alcohol every night, is always "plowed", and he doesn't believe her when she denies driving drunk. She insists she's not in denial "because I know I'm a drunk". (*groan* The denial is in your thinking this can just go on and be fine!)

So Mom called me in tears, saying she'd tried to talk my sister into coming out--saying she was going to ruin all her relationships, her job would notice soon if they hadn't already and she'd lose that, then she'd lose the house too. Mom begged her to come out here and save her relationship, mom pleaded that my sister could make it an early 70th birthday present, or Christmas present, or anything, just please come out and let mom help.

When I heard that, I face-palmed. Mom was panicking, but it means the only other person (after her boyfriend) who's been talking to her about this/nagging her/fighting with her for over a year now has suddenly resorted to sobbing emotional blackmail. That just can't help things. I promised mom I'd call her.

The shock to my worldview aside, it means I'm the only one knows who hasn't talked to her on the subject. Trying to use that to advantage I left a voicemail/followed by an email saying basically the same thing: "Mom called me up in tears, she'd said everything was going to hell for you back there right now, and I just wanted to check in. Also she'd said you might be coming out here for a while? If so, [my wife] and I would love to have you come stay and hang out with us [true, we've missed her!], so let me know what's actually going on when you get a chance, o.k.?"

Now I don't doubt my mom or sister's boyfriend as to what's going on at all, but I played a little dumb and as non-threatening as possible in the hope that offering her a place to come out to that wasn't staying with mom would be something she could go for. She responded back texting, in a good mood: told me that yeah, things were happening, and she didn't know if she was coming out yet, but she loved us both and would call back later when she'd decided.

Midnight her time I'd still not heard heard a thing from her, so I sent a follow up text just saying "Didn't hear back, hope you're doing ok!" I've not heard anything since. (And don't want to join the group "nagging her", so stopped there.)

Now I know full well that I can't jump in and "save" her. I can't "jump in" and do anything. But, whether she comes out here or not, I'm going to have to deal with this. And I only know enough to know I could make a mess of it through well-meaning ignorance.

So I'm looking for knowledge, for advice. I have my own therapist and have made arrangements to see her tomorrow for the same. My wife saw her therapist this morning and got a lot of good advice.

But some of it made me realize that I'd been planning to get my sister out of the immediate crisis so she could think/plan without feeling defensive or hassled, and before anything irreversible happened--when for all I know the crisis may be inevitable and/or something she needs to deal with. It's such a surprise to me, and mom was so upset, that keep losing track that this isn't a sudden anomaly emergency situation to anyone but me. And that getting her out from under pressure might just serve to let her get drunk in peace. So the extreme non-pressure sanctuary I'd been planning might not be all that helpful, and in fact we'd probably need to set ground rules before she came out. Ugh.

See? I'm already missing at least part of the boat when it comes to helping here, hence me asking for advice: What to do and say that might help (and at least wouldn't hurt) for a sister living on the other side of the country that I love (and thought I knew) who I just discovered yesterday has been a frequently out-of-control alcoholic in secret for years now and is at this moment in a life-meltdown crisis point she won't acknowledge?

[Having looked around the forums and the general resources, I do feel a little weird posting here: She's not in recovery or struggling with staying sober. I don't live with her. I haven't had to deal with fall out from her drinking (until right now...and that's at a serious distance). I feel kind of like a fraud because I haven't dealt with all the trauma people here are talking about, the kind the resources address. I guess most people don't suddenly discover a beloved family member is a secret alchoholic, or if they do they don't come looking for info right away? Anyway: If this is in any way an inappropriate post, please let me know and I'll take it down.]

Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-25-2015, 08:47 PM
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Dear Clueless, I can understand your reaction with your mother calling you in tears, sure your AS is going to do her life irreparable damage and passing on all the news from her BF. Your AS does have a lot to lose, but no matter what you or her mom or BF do, she's the one who is going to decide if they're worth it.

You or anyone rushing in to fix things is almost certainly the wrong move. If she doesn't see she needs help yet she will push back, because that's our natural reaction if we're being shoved a direction we don't want to go.

If she ever decides she wants help, and makes that decision herself, she'll be much more likely to succeed. If the worst case scenario occurs, loss of job and BF, maybe health consequences, she might get serious about stopping the damage. So far she hasn't seen real harm to her life.

Possibly your best role in this is to calm your mother down. You mention she's a life-long alcoholic so part of her panic may be that she's blaming herself (as an example) or she see's herself in your AS's life. If your AM was thinking logically, her own recovery would be the best way of helping the situation.

Resist any wish to rescue your AS. You may be able to do something in the future, so telling her you're there for her is a great move. Think about her staying with you if she isn't sober as she'll likely be drinking a lot either openly or secretly.

Al-anon (for the F&F rather than the As) would be a great resource for you and your mother.
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Old 09-25-2015, 09:30 PM
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Surprise, your sister's been a raging alchoholic for years! OMG WTF?!?
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Unhappy

Feeling Great--

Thanks. I'm starting to get that general gist from other stuff I've been reading too, but like I said, most of it is about people in very different situations, so getting a personally tailored reply does help reinforce that message for me too.

Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
You or anyone rushing in to fix things is almost certainly the wrong move.
And I can guarantee that's what mom's been doing: We learned from her that the way to deal with a problem is to fix it. If you can't seem to fix it, then clearly there's some communication glitch somewhere, so straighten that out so you can fix it.

I've come to know that you can't just "fix" problems or people, but mom's never figured that out. (She dealt with my undiagnosed depression as a kid/teen by telling me to smile, to cheer up, to not bring everyone else down, to explain what the problem was, because there's no reason I should feel down all the time {and she was increasingly frustrated that she couldn't seem to fix me. :-/ )

And I'm sure I backslide still... this is probably an example, no?

I just (and I'm sure this is nothing new, dammit) hate the idea of leaving her alone to deal with this. Alcoholism is a disease, right? So how do I find out that she's sick and then ditch her?

I'm most worried about *her* now. She literally broke her neck in a solo car accident two years ago on icy roads. Thankfully she fully recovered. Now I'm wondering if there was more than ice involved. If she's a danger to her self and others, how do I just not do anything?

Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Possibly your best role in this is to calm your mother down. You mention she's a life-long alcoholic so part of her panic may be that she's blaming herself (as an example) or she see's herself in your AS's life. If your AM was thinking logically, her own recovery would be the best way of helping the situation. .
Yeah, that would be something I could do, at least, right? I'm sure she's blaming herself both as an example and for failing to help sis. My mom never did any formal program (she's only just admitted it openly to me) but hers I knew about and she seems to have had her alcoholism under control for the past few decades.

Damn, I can see it's all good advice, but soooo not what I was looking to hear.

(And I didn't start with Al Anon because we were raised to, frankly, despise any religion or belief system. [I've call it being raised a Scientific Fundamentalist: If you can't prove it than it clearly doesn't exist. The Fundamentalism part covers how that's not actually a legitimate scientific approach to anything.)

I ended up as a religion major in college and grad school and have followed my own spiritual journey. But I wasn't surprised to hear my sister refuses to have anything to do with AA because it emphasizes God/religion/belief. Mom's not likely to be comfortable with it either. Hence me starting here. I think I'm going to check out the resources myself, though.)

Thanks for the advice. Now to figure out how to use it. :-/
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Old 09-25-2015, 09:44 PM
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Hey clueless, the reason we tell you to keep your distance is we know what devastation living with an active drinker can bring to your life, and to the life of your family.

I am on day 18 of sobriety, so this is all still very fresh in my mind. If you read our posts here about our lives as drunks, the common thread that you will find is that we all had one mission in life which was to drink., and we weren't going to do any thing that would jeopardize that.

What started out many years ago as a simple way to deal with stress for me ended up with me being physiologically and emotionally addicted to booze. I lied to my wife, I spent great sums of money buying booze, I was always finding ways to get out of the house to drink, and I was totally unpredictable at times. All the events that I went to where I assumed that no one could tell that I was drunk, are embarrassing as hell to me today, but at the time, in the fog of booze, hangovers, and scheming for more, I just didn't notice.

I tell you all of this to say, that bringing an active alcoholic into your life can have far reaching consequences to you and your family. You have to keep your guard up because when your sister is drunk, she is a different person who would most likely not stop for anything to get a drink.

Until she finds her bottom, or until she wakes up one day and says no more, I would keep my distance. You don't need that in your life, IMHO.

Finally, it would also be good for you to hear some advice from some of the old timers, though I do have a feeling that they may feel the same way. Don't worry, they will be posting after me, that's what makes this community great!
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Old 09-25-2015, 11:30 PM
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Surprise, your sister's been a raging alchoholic for years! OMG WTF?!?
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Originally Posted by MrSmith View Post
What started out many years ago as a simple way to deal with stress for me ended up with me being physiologically and emotionally addicted to booze.
...You have to keep your guard up because when your sister is drunk, she is a different person who would most likely not stop for anything to get a drink.
Part of the problem is that I don't know when that transition took place for her. Twenty years ago I was staying over at her place and she drank a little too much one of the nights and didn't remember the end of our discussion the next morning. She did the same once before that while home for the holidays.

But a few years later I lived with her for six months and then in the same city for another 2+ years, and I never saw any sign of her getting drunk. Were the earlier blackout incidents more than a couple of "young and dumb" mistakes? There was a specific event this time that set it off in the current spiral, but it's apparently been bad (at least to mom's knowledge) for a few years now.

Has she been just recently getting worse? Has it come and gone in severity over the years? Or has it always been a problem and I was just oblivious? The few times (back when) when I know I saw her drunk she seemed the same to me, just over-relaxed and unfocused.

Is she just a "different person when she drinks" now? I haven't (at least to my knowledge) seen her drunk in 20 years now. If she was a different person drunk back then, then I've never known anything else.

(No, I don't expect you to know the answers. This is just what has me so confused at the moment.)

Thanks for the reply.
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Old 09-26-2015, 05:50 AM
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Hi CS, it's not that important you know when your AS's drinking morphed into alcoholism because it's the current situation that counts. The history leading up to it is something she could explore in therapy if she had a willing mind.

I am a recovered A, and my drinking progressed from almost non-existant in my 20s, to heavier in my 30s and 40s and way too much in early 50s. I can't go back to my moderate days, ever, because the wiring in my brain has permanently altered and I only need to start drinking regularly for it to escalate again. My point being that once you've reached unhealthy levels moderation isn't an option.

I have an alcoholic sister who caused a lot of damage to herself, her home life and her marriage and is paralysed with guilt, but nothing we could say at the time penetrated. She would even deny she'd been drinking when she could hardly stand. I found her addiction doctors, talked to her, there was an intervention of sorts....nothing worked until she met a new guy. She's still drinking too much, but it's much more controlled through her circumstances.

You say you're wary of the religious component of Al-anon, but it's the place where you'll find other people in your situation who know what you're going through. I'm an atheist myself, but I wouldn't hesitate to use AA or Al-anon if it helped. Maybe you can do some exploratory visits to Al-Anon and if it helps reassure your mother that she won't have to sign up for church every Sunday. It sounds like she needs it (Al-A not church).
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Old 09-26-2015, 06:56 AM
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Damn, I can see it's all good advice, but soooo not what I was looking to hear.
Welcome to SR, Clueless--I think all of us here felt exactly as you do in the beginning. What we heard was NOT what we wanted to hear at all! But in many cases, the things I least wanted to hear were the things that ended up helping me the most.

(And I didn't start with Al Anon because we were raised to, frankly, despise any religion or belief system.)
Alanon is NOT a religion or belief system. Not at all. I'd suggest visiting their web site and also attending a few meetings to see what it's about. It will cost you nothing but an hour of your time to go to a meeting. I'd suggest you go early and/or stay late to get a chance to talk to some of the folks there on a one-on-one basis about your specific situation.

I ended up as a religion major in college and grad school and have followed my own spiritual journey. But I wasn't surprised to hear my sister refuses to have anything to do with AA because it emphasizes God/religion/belief.
THIS is what you'll find in Alanon as well as in AA--spirituality, not religion. I suspect it may be a better fit than you suspect, altho it can take a couple of tries to find the meeting where you are most at home. LemonGirl just posted about this exact thing on this forum.

If you have some time to read the stickies at the top of the page, you might find that helpful. Here is one that's good to begin with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Please don't feel you're not worthy of being here b/c you don't live w/your sister, or you somehow feel your situation is not "as bad as" those you read about here. Comparison isn't terribly helpful; as you've already seen, there is a whole lot more in common than not. Alanon says they are for "anyone who has been affected by the drinking of someone close to them." SR is the same. No matter the relationship, you belong here if you're looking for help.
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Old 09-26-2015, 06:58 AM
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Wow, we have a lot in common. My younger sister has had serious problems with alcohol and opiates, and my mother when she was still alive was totally caught up in trying to save her. My mom was an alcoholic who was forced to stop drinking after some major health consequences, but she never did lose those codependent tendencies. My mom used to call me all the time all upset about my sister, asking me to call her or help her in various ways. It got to a point where I felt like she had lost interest in ME and only ever called about my sister. I eventually had to set a boundary with my Mom that I loved to talk to her but not about my sister. If she brought up my sister, I told her politely that I wasn't going to talk about that and had to go, and got off the phone. Eventually, she learned. Anyway, it's so very hard to accept, but there is really not much you can do for your sister except to focus on being well yourself. It sounds like she has been headed down this road for a long time, and she will have to be the one to decide to turn it around. If love were enough to cure alcoholism, none of us would be here.
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Old 09-26-2015, 08:00 PM
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Just to echo Honeypig - please don't be put off by Al Anon's references to "God" or a "Higher Power." I am an atheist but have been attending Al Anon for four years, and I am immeasurably grateful for what the groups and the program have given me (including a better understanding of alcoholism and alcoholics, and an arsenal of strategies for coping with alcoholic behaviours as safely, constructively, and lovingly as possible).
Hugs to you.
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