I'm sorry you're experiencing that.... I imagine it feels like you're being disrespected and that your husband doesn't value your genuine and honest feelings.
You're not asking for anything unreasonable, from what you're sharing here. The bottom line is - if this is a boundary for you, then you have a right (and a responsibility) to make it known. He may or may not honor it - as it seems he's already shown his perspective on the matter. If I were in your shoes, I would question the depth and alignment of my relationship. Secretive relationships with the opposite sex don't bode well for any couple's chances of connectedness and intimacy and overtly ignoring a partner's honest concerns and feelings is just outright disrespectful - in my opinion.
And, I say that as a person who has actually DONE what your husband is doing (and worse) in a marriage before. It took me growing up and maturing and getting honest with myself over a lot of years to recognize in hindsight that I was a real jerk in that regard to my wife and that her concerns and requests and feelings were valid and important. Sometimes, people are oblivious because they're simply not emotionally mature and aware enough to 'get it'. Which is no excuse for being an a-hole to someone you profess to love.
I hope you don't let this jeopardize your sobriety, and I wish you the strength and self-honor to make your boundaries clear and simple.
