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Sometimes Life Just Isn't Funny

Old 09-24-2015, 02:37 PM
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Sometimes Life Just Isn't Funny

Deep breath. I've been spewing how resolved I am at staying sober and not ever drinking again, and then today challenges that determination. My new husband has had a (married) female friend for years that he works with and doesn't have a friendship beyond work hours. I have struggled with this since day one since I have never met her and because of distance, doesn't seem to be a possibility. They email back & forth most days & see each other almost every week. He has no local male friends. I have repeatedly expressed my discomfort & sensitivity to it, but he refuses to reduce contact. They went out to lunch today for his birthday, which I was ok with because there were a few other people there and he mentioned it ahead of time. Then I get a text announcement an hour before quitting time that he's giving her a ride back to park-n-ride, about 40 minutes away, but close to our home. Considering my sensitivity and struggling (unfounded) jealousy, is it unfair to ask for him to run it by me ahead of time to see if I have a problem with it. His relationship with her is mostly secretive in that I am not included in it at all. All I want right now is a big, fat vodka mixer. And lucky me, I get to go home and watch him drink into oblivion. Argh!!!!!
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Old 09-24-2015, 02:50 PM
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Hey Butterfly Your well within your rights to ask for a heads up tbh its a funny line with ex's me myself I would definitely have an issue with that & Mrs sw would go ballistic if I had an ex flame out with me on my bday I'm not trying to make you any angrier or upset but for me that ain't on I know some might not have an issue with it but I would & i know mrs sw would too ... I'm not even thinking about at the sheer possibility of what she would do if this was us : (

Boundaries are important in any relationship and I think a calm civilised conversation could be had & if that doesn't work & you want to remain in the relationship would you both consider couples mediation ?
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Old 09-24-2015, 02:51 PM
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Hi Cali

Sorry that I can't offer advice on your relationship. But I can say that the booze won't help anything. And I get the sense you already know that, too. Stay strong. Stay sober.
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Old 09-24-2015, 03:05 PM
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I'm sorry you're experiencing that.... I imagine it feels like you're being disrespected and that your husband doesn't value your genuine and honest feelings.

You're not asking for anything unreasonable, from what you're sharing here. The bottom line is - if this is a boundary for you, then you have a right (and a responsibility) to make it known. He may or may not honor it - as it seems he's already shown his perspective on the matter. If I were in your shoes, I would question the depth and alignment of my relationship. Secretive relationships with the opposite sex don't bode well for any couple's chances of connectedness and intimacy and overtly ignoring a partner's honest concerns and feelings is just outright disrespectful - in my opinion.

And, I say that as a person who has actually DONE what your husband is doing (and worse) in a marriage before. It took me growing up and maturing and getting honest with myself over a lot of years to recognize in hindsight that I was a real jerk in that regard to my wife and that her concerns and requests and feelings were valid and important. Sometimes, people are oblivious because they're simply not emotionally mature and aware enough to 'get it'. Which is no excuse for being an a-hole to someone you profess to love.

I hope you don't let this jeopardize your sobriety, and I wish you the strength and self-honor to make your boundaries clear and simple.

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Old 09-24-2015, 03:08 PM
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oh.... I hadn't read the last part about him drinking into oblivion....

There's a clue.... sounds like he is in the throes of addiction himself. My own experience was that being an active alcoholic kept me self-centered and emotionally stunted, just unwilling and unable to see what a terrible sh*t I was being to my wife. I really did love her.... yet my own stuntedness got in the way of my behaving like I loved her, got in the way of my being a decent man to her when she brought up uncomfortable feelings like what you're describing and eventually catalyzed my further and worse behavior in response.
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Old 09-24-2015, 03:09 PM
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You can do this.

You're worth being treated with respect, and it starts with how you treat yourself.

The big fat lie is that drinking will make you feel better. It won't. Play the tape forward till tomorrow.

You can wake up feel fresh and in a balanced mood and content with yourself for not drinking, or you can wake up hungover, sick, and feeling like crap for breaking your promise to yourself, and regretful for something you may have said while you're upset.

Personally, I am in a much better position to have a conversation with my partner that gets the results that I want when I'm well rested.
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Old 09-24-2015, 03:10 PM
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If I were you I would head out somewhere on your own.
Take yourself for lunch, a drive, a movie whatever.

Maybe make him wonder where you have gone.

Just a thought xx
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Old 09-24-2015, 03:30 PM
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Well you kind of have two immediate options.

1. Say forget it, forget the time I have sober, forget the progress I made, I am drinking. Join your husband drinking. Possibly get into a fight while drinking because, you know, we are usually invincible while drinking so you are blunt in how you feel etc.
2. Dont drink, think about this rationally, stay clear headed, and find a time to really discuss what is going on with your feelings, and the actions of your husband.

Tell him how you are feeling, and how hurt you would be if something were to happen etc. If you trust him, tell him you trust him but you dont fully trust someone you have never met, and thats the biggest thing, you have never met. Possibly meeting this person might put your mind at ease, and then again it might not.

Sometimes guys, and I am one, like attention from the opposite sex outside of their marriage and or relationships, because it makes them feel like they still have it. They still have what makes them attractive to the opposite sex, a self esteem booster. For women, knowing they are still attractive is much easier, as you can see a guys head turn and almost break your neck as you walk buy. We arent the most tactful in what we do. Women are though, women tend not to play their hand right away.

Some questions to ask yourself-
1. When he comes home after seeing her, does he take interest in you? Or does he ignore you, and not even look at you?
2. After he sees her, is he happy, does he come home happy, or is he sad, upset etc?
3. Is he still interested in you as a person, your thoughts your feelings, does he still look at you in a way that makes you feel attractive?

If he ignores you, is sad when he gets home, and doesnt look at you much, then something might be going on or he is at least thinking that he might want to do something... If he is still into you, Id say you dont have much to worry about.

Maybe this helps, maybe it doesnt, but being a guy, Im just trying to tell you how I feel etc. I had a lot of friends that were girls while dating, that sometimes that person who I was dating got jealous. But I would try and reassure them, that I am with that you, not her, I am going home with you.....

Anyways I think a rational discussion, while both are sober might help clear some of this up.
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Old 09-24-2015, 03:30 PM
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Hi Cali - thanks for the thread

I never post relationship advice just don't drink support!! It almost like medical advice - I run from it.

In general since getting sober, when I have discord in my marriage of 32 years I hit pause and consider how the way I react will help or hinder my emotional growth in sobriety. Spewing venom for me can facilitate an emotional hangover as bad or worse than any alcohol related hangover I've encountered.

I've appreciated your interaction here recently on SR and good for you posting about the state of your mind, that's important and laudable

For me, I'm steadily grasping living life on life terms. There are times where a thought trounces through my head about alcohol but I simply choose not to react to it and let it pass. I don't drink anymore. I have found other solutions especially when resentments/anger crop up. I use other tools than booze to solve issue. I tried to drink at her for a long time - thank God she's still here!

Keep us updated, please - and as always remember,
Alcohol is the real buzz killer...........
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Old 09-24-2015, 03:48 PM
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Wow Fly 32 years that is seriously amazing were on 15 years wow that is pretty special
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Old 09-24-2015, 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by soberwolf View Post
Wow Fly 32 years that is seriously amazing were on 15 years wow that is pretty special
Mrs Jryan and I will hit 10 years in a few months. And we are planning a pretty cool trip. Crazy!
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Old 09-24-2015, 03:55 PM
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Awesome Jryan congrats bud

Sorry for mini hijack of the thread
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Old 09-24-2015, 04:03 PM
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Originally Posted by jryan19982 View Post
Well you kind of have two immediate options.

1. Say forget it, forget the time I have sober, forget the progress I made, I am drinking. Join your husband drinking. Possibly get into a fight while drinking because, you know, we are usually invincible while drinking so you are blunt in how you feel etc.
2. Dont drink, think about this rationally, stay clear headed, and find a time to really discuss what is going on with your feelings, and the actions of your husband.
Thanks for the great insight. It's true, and I don't want to go there. I won't drink, as much as my AV wants me to. I would hate myself in the morning and nothing good would come of it. So I choose option 1! lol
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Old 09-24-2015, 04:05 PM
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Thanks everybody for the words of encouragement, support, and advice. I know I can't treat times of anger and frustration with alcohol, and have to learn other coping mechanisms. I WILL NOT drink tonight, no matter what. Will try to have an open dialogue with my husband and hope for the best.
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Old 09-24-2015, 04:16 PM
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CaliButterfly as a long -time married person (39 years), I'd urge you to take a deep breath and stay calm and don't drink. You're coping with recovery at the moment, that's your focus but the stresses and strains of early recovery can make us super sensitive.

You need to meet this friend of your husband's at some time, at the moment you are shadow boxing with an imagined person in your mind. Explain to your husband that you want to meet this long time friend and invite her to your home so you are on your turf. By the sound of things this will need to be the next time she is in your town.

Be honest with your husband, tell him you're curious, you do feel a smidge of jealousy and it would be so much better if you could all meet over a meal in your home.
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Old 09-24-2015, 04:25 PM
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Ok, I meant option #2... sheesh! lol

Yes, I have requested several times to meet her (and her husband too!), as they live nearby. But since their friendship is only during work hours, apparently that isn't feasible somehow. He hasn't met her husband and they don't like to be sociable, from what I've been told. That's the hardest part. He said their friendship isn't like that. I dunno. I've tried countless times to explain my unease, but he said it's completely innocent and I have nothing to worry about so it's implied that it's pretty much my problem.

Early sobriety is very fragile, and does make me super sensitive to giving in to my AV. But without vodka in the house, I'm safe. I'll make it through. Everyone in SR is so helpful and I am deeply grateful to be able to have this forum as a means of getting through these times. :-)
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Old 09-24-2015, 04:42 PM
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I mean he isnt going out unexpectedly or having to work late unexpectedly, or coming home late and not telling you where he is....? When they work is it at an office? Sounds like if they dont see each other after hours, and not on the weekends, then that leaves little time for physical things to be jealous about. But I hear where you are coming from that it seems a little odd...
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Old 09-24-2015, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by soberwolf View Post
Wow Fly 32 years that is seriously amazing were on 15 years wow that is pretty special
We will have 42 years in February.
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Old 09-24-2015, 06:19 PM
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Your husband sounds like a douchebag.

The people above have given some great advice so I won't repeat it, but yeah, I'd be pretty peed off! If I were you, I'd go to bed and wait until the morning to talk to him, that way, if he gets you all wound up with his argumentative responses to your questions, you'll feel less like reaching for the bottle at 9am (hopefully! lol)
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Old 09-25-2015, 05:18 AM
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Thank you all for the advice and kind words! We argued all night, nothing really got resolved, but I didn't have a drop of alcohol! Liquor store is right up the street, but I just couldn't violate my promise to myself. All of you guys helped me tremendously, and I can't thank you enough. No matter what, sobriety is the way to go!!
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