My sponsor said she believed that what is behind all negative emotions is fear. I don't know, but whenever I asked "what am I afraid of?" deeper answers surfaced. Stuff from childhood like a fear of being abandoned or not being loved. I realized that as an adult I can't really be abandoned and that if someone doesn't love me it doesn't really matter because other people do care a great deal. The alcoholic is incapable of loving anything but alcohol so I was looking for it in the wrong place.
It also came down to asking myself why I picked a dysfunctional person instead of someone healthy.