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Avoidance/Perfection Issues and Recovery

Old 09-17-2015, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
No, I'm sure if you look back it was there before the relationship. But perfectionism is common among codependents. That's why taking the first step -- "I am powerless over people, places and things" -- can be so difficult.
I actually think, given A's ability to make others feel that their lying and craziness is all someone else's fault, that that sort of behavior matched my desire to be perfect and never upset anyone else...

My xAH would have had FAR less success with blaming someone who didn't have an unhealthy need to please and appease others...

A match made in hell I guess...
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Old 09-17-2015, 04:14 PM
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In the vein of my avoidance tendencies: I need to share a laugh. There's an open house at DS's school today. It's something I would avoid now that he's at a non-Waldorf school: tons of unknown people, milling about for a not-clearly-defined reason. But he was asking if we could go. And I told him I'd have to see what the schedule looked like, because there's a class I wanted to attend about local plants and gardening. (Which is true.) He said he really, really wanted to go, so I could see what the other classes are doing and what their school work looks like. So I was leaning towards going to it rather than my discussion/class.

This morning he told me that he doesn't have to do his spelling test homework today if we go. So his really wanting to go, was really just a not wanting to do spelling. And he admitted it. So we talked about the day's plans and we decided: no open house, no class. Just making salsa verde chicken enchiladas together and playing games after spelling. Turkey.
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Old 09-17-2015, 11:46 PM
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Thank you for this thread

Hi All,

I have nothing to really add to this conversation; just want to show my appreciation for the topic about anxiety and negative thinking etc. Anxiety and avoidance plague me and it's my number one issue I am working on.
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Old 09-19-2015, 09:51 AM
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Wowzer! Yes to 1 and 2!
I am a singer and a song writer, and I am actually very good at both. But my fears of putting myself out there have overwhelmed me for so much of my life that I never did anything with it! As I've gotten older, I have put myself out there more and more, however, and I even have some stuff up on social media.
I am also a preschool teacher, which means I work with chaos. Things change at the drop of a hat and you have to be able to pull things out of thin air to make things work. I LOVE my job, but the part of being able to think on my feet is nerve wracking! "Oh, I have to run circle time? But I have nothing prepared!" and my mind goes blank! Even though I have a plethora of knowledge and curriculum at my disposal. In fact, my mind goes blank when others want me to sing for them. Suddenly, I know absolutely no songs by heart.

What is so funny about this is that you can give me an emergency situation, and suddenly I know EXACTLY what to do. But put me on stage or in the spot light, and I go blank and can't think on my feet.

I have found that I have to accept the fact that I do better when I am prepared and have studied. It is just that way for me. In fact, when I am prepared, I am so detailed and really know what I am talking about and doing that I can and do inspire others. So for me, having been this type of person is not necessarily a dysfunction, but rather, it has prompted me to use it to my advantage and flourish from it! Though I will also admit that I am more willing to try new things at this stage in my life than I ever was when I was younger, and THAT is definitely an improvement!
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Old 09-22-2015, 10:51 AM
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A great topic. I know for a fact that my issues were present before meeting my AW. I spent my early years with my depressed mom who manipulated and was extremely needy. Meanwhile my dad was nonexistent in my life and often promised things but rarely delivered. My issues with being insecure, perfection driven, having low self esteem and wanting attention from women has been with me for years. I'm trying hard to work on these issues but back track often it seems. I feel defeated at times as well but one day it'll click and I'll be able to make progress.

Thanks again for all these stories. I don't feel so bad after hearing others dealing with similar issues.
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Old 09-22-2015, 12:57 PM
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My sponsor said she believed that what is behind all negative emotions is fear. I don't know, but whenever I asked "what am I afraid of?" deeper answers surfaced. Stuff from childhood like a fear of being abandoned or not being loved. I realized that as an adult I can't really be abandoned and that if someone doesn't love me it doesn't really matter because other people do care a great deal. The alcoholic is incapable of loving anything but alcohol so I was looking for it in the wrong place.

It also came down to asking myself why I picked a dysfunctional person instead of someone healthy.
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