Originally Posted by
meggem 
Soulful - I'm not sure I know your story, but you sound a lot like me some months ago - If you want to share a little about where you are in your journey, maybe sharing my experiences with you can help.
You can tell me here or you can message me if you want.
I have been with my husband for 4.5 years, 2.5 of which he became addicted to cocaine. Deep down inside, I knew something was horribly wrong and I knew he was doing coke, but I didn't want to believe that. I was just hoping it was a phase, he was stressed out that he was a new father... whatever excuses I could come up with so I don't see the truth for what it is.
His binges became worse and worse. I would travel with my son and he would blow hundreds and hundreds of dollars on the drug. He lost his car, he went into serious debt, stole from me, stole from his parents... he would black out, pass out... come home in the mornings... it got really bad, and he would promise to get better, but I knew that wouldn't happen. I threatened to leave, I would leave for weeks, months, then come back, things would be good for a week, then boom... he would use.
Last weekend was brutal. He left Thu and come home in the morning, high out of his mind, go to his room, sleep, wake up, shower and go out and do coke again... I really thought he would die this time.
I realized his issue is pretty big, so I reached out here. I started looking into help for myself, for my codepedency. I figured whatever he does,he will do, I can't stop him, no matter how hard I tried.
I would numb myself with smoking weed so I can cry and just relax and deal with my pain.
Then this weekend, I held my son and told myself, no matter what happens to daddy, I need to be financially independent. I don't have to threaten, leave or scream. I will offer compassion to him, but I will work on building back my business I have ignored for so long. So in case he dies, I can take care of myself and my son.
For the first time ever, when he came home all coked out, instead of yelling, I took him by the hand, put him in bed and told him I love him and I am worried about him. I was walking through the valley of shadow and death with him.
And for the first time ever, he confessed everything to me. He told me he is a cocaine addict and that he needs to tell me all, because he knows now he can't just do a line here and there, that part of him is over.
So he won a battle, but he didn't win the war. He says he is wasting his life away and he wants his life back. I don't believe it, but that's not what's important.
What's important is that I feel all this, process and work through it to heal. I will stand by him, but not fighting his battles anymore. It's very hard... so hard.