meggem

I'm an all or nothing person.

I'm either on SR all day long, or not at all.

I'm either eating sleeping or breathing recovery information, etc. or I'm doing nothing.

I can feel myself slipping into "all" mode again.

Can someone help an all or nothing person come up with a reasonable itinerary.agenda.goal.direction. that will be enough for me to stay active and engaged and I make progress but not overboard to where I just quit? Or can you share yours?

Are there things that you do every day - do you start and end your day with something?

What do you guys do? what's a typical day of a veteran here? Please give me some direction!

I want to start a new chapter, I want to start my next phase but I don't know what to do besides everything-- all at once.

Soulful

This is a very good post, I too am interested in this. I am all or nothing too.
I am either full on focused on myself, working, studying and keeping my head up, or full on questioning him.

SparkleKitty

A big part of my recovery has been breaking out of the all-or-nothing/black-and-white mindset. I had to learn to see the grays, to appreciate the in-betweens, and to recognize recovery as a marathon, not a sprint.

When I was deep in the thickest part of my therapy, I was very much, "But what can I DO, right now, to help move this along???" and I was frustrated that my therapist couldn't or wouldn't give me any "homework" or anything that I was asking for.

The fact was, my recovery is about learning to live life differently, to unlearn old behaviors that were unhealthy but "felt right" and to recognize life's opportunities for doing things differently, even if every instinct in me wanted to go back to the familiar (unhealthy) choices.

I don't have a day-to-day suggestion for what to do - sorry! This is a long game we're playing, and part of it is just being mindful of where we are and what we are doing, to avoid future-tripping or obsessing over the past. Recovery, for me, happened when I wasn't looking.

meggem

That's great information Sparkle. Thanks!

I want to incorporate (little) things into my daily-ness and make them habits to the point where if I don't do them, it feels funny.

meggem

I don't feel that panic that I did months ago - I can hear myself saying those exact words - but what can I do NOW???????

I feel calmer about it but still at a loss.

SparkleKitty

Yeah it took a long time for me to recognize that my therapist was pointedly NOT telling me what to do, but rather letting me sit with being uncomfortable and learning to handle it appropriately (as opposed to trying to "fix" it). Not all discomfort is meant to be fixed. Sometimes it's just uncomfortable because it isn't familiar. In my case, familiar usually equaled unhealthy.

Soulful

Would you mind giving an example of what "handling it appropriately" means?
I feel the pain now, I see it, I visualize his using it and I say to myself: what I visualize was NOT in my control.
And then I FEEL it to let it go. But then after I let go, I have no clue what to do next besides cry.

hopeful4

For myself, next becomes/became being comfortable just being me. Getting usto hanging out with friends again, taking walks with my doggie, just doing things I enjoy and liking myself again.

I still go to CR at times, sometimes not. I go to church, I have a relationship with God, although it could be stronger, and I am working on that. I work. I cook. I cry. I laugh.

It has taken me some time to find ME. To know who I am without all of the obsession that came with my codie behaviors when I was with my X. However, I like this me. I am not perfect. I need to lose weight. I need to budget better. I am working on those things too. And that's ok.

It's almost like getting to know a new person, and that person is you.

XXX

FireSprite

It goes in cycles for me - when I hit a breakthrough point, I can hardly focus on anything else until I burst through it..... and then there are times when I'm not triggered into any specific "work" & I do relatively nothing. In the very beginning, I was 24/7 in a lot of ways partly because in educating myself & finding SR, a lot of bells & whistles were ringing off..... I had a LOT of directions to explore & dig deeply into. It's less of something that I DO now & more just something that I AM.

As I heal though, I don't have all those new awarenesses happening. (sometimes yes, but not constantly they way it had been) It becomes more about maintenance.... and I mean to REALLY heal stuff, not just get past it, but change the pattern of how I handle it. I think back to the stressed out, adrenalin driven, barely functioning person that I was & I can't believe the difference.

Some things I make sure to try to maintain for physical, mental & spiritual health. I do yoga, meditate & exercise regularly. I color my mandalas. I fit in reiki or other classes when I can, make time to spend with good friends, sleep well, drink enough water, etc. Staying healthy of body helps me stay healthy of mind & spirit too - for me it's 3 interconnecting circles that are fluid, always in motion & always in need of maintaining balance.

When I keep IN balance & a crisis arises, I handle it. When I'm OUT of balance & a crisis arises, I react.

meggem

Soulful - I'm not sure I know your story, but you sound a lot like me some months ago - If you want to share a little about where you are in your journey, maybe sharing my experiences with you can help.

You can tell me here or you can message me if you want.

SparkleKitty

For me, handling uncomfortable feelings appropriately is entirely about accepting what I can and can't control, and letting go of what I cannot, as you say above. After I let go, crying is appropriate in my book. I don't always take the time to grieve my losses the way I should, and that pent up acknowledgement of loss sometimes comes back as anger.

Let me try to offer an example. My mother is a sober alcoholic. I tried for many years to build a relationship with her, but it was an entirely one-sided effort and I finally came to the conclusion that all I was giving to the relationship was causing me more pain than satisfaction. To this day, I some times become overwhelmed by the feeling that I owe her something. That I *should* call or reach out or try again, despite the many years' worth of demonstrated proof that she does not have enough interest in having a relationship with me to ever do the same, or to reciprocate. These feelings are extremely uncomfortable and my childhood survival skills are telling me to call! Fix it! Now!

Instead, I work on accepting my mother for exactly who she is, not who I wish she was, or who I hope she will someday become. I can love her in my way without entangling myself in her issues. I don't have to call and expose myself to someone who always makes me feel less than I am.

Soulful

I have been with my husband for 4.5 years, 2.5 of which he became addicted to cocaine. Deep down inside, I knew something was horribly wrong and I knew he was doing coke, but I didn't want to believe that. I was just hoping it was a phase, he was stressed out that he was a new father... whatever excuses I could come up with so I don't see the truth for what it is.
His binges became worse and worse. I would travel with my son and he would blow hundreds and hundreds of dollars on the drug. He lost his car, he went into serious debt, stole from me, stole from his parents... he would black out, pass out... come home in the mornings... it got really bad, and he would promise to get better, but I knew that wouldn't happen. I threatened to leave, I would leave for weeks, months, then come back, things would be good for a week, then boom... he would use.

Last weekend was brutal. He left Thu and come home in the morning, high out of his mind, go to his room, sleep, wake up, shower and go out and do coke again... I really thought he would die this time.

I realized his issue is pretty big, so I reached out here. I started looking into help for myself, for my codepedency. I figured whatever he does,he will do, I can't stop him, no matter how hard I tried.
I would numb myself with smoking weed so I can cry and just relax and deal with my pain.
Then this weekend, I held my son and told myself, no matter what happens to daddy, I need to be financially independent. I don't have to threaten, leave or scream. I will offer compassion to him, but I will work on building back my business I have ignored for so long. So in case he dies, I can take care of myself and my son.

For the first time ever, when he came home all coked out, instead of yelling, I took him by the hand, put him in bed and told him I love him and I am worried about him. I was walking through the valley of shadow and death with him.
And for the first time ever, he confessed everything to me. He told me he is a cocaine addict and that he needs to tell me all, because he knows now he can't just do a line here and there, that part of him is over.

So he won a battle, but he didn't win the war. He says he is wasting his life away and he wants his life back. I don't believe it, but that's not what's important.
What's important is that I feel all this, process and work through it to heal. I will stand by him, but not fighting his battles anymore. It's very hard... so hard.

ladyscribbler

I found that daily journal writing, a couple of pages each morning, helps me sort through things. I try to attend two Alanon meetings a week, Tuesday and Saturday. I go to therapy- one is just straight therapy, the other is a class on mindfulness led by a therapist. I average one appointment a month with each of them. That's the stuff I consider "basic maintenance" for my recovery. The rest of what I do depends on where I am mentally and emotionally and what I'm dealing with. Last fall I was really worried about money, so I picked up extra jobs. This fall I'm signed up for a writer's workshop. I'm also pretty active in Alanon service work, helping plan events and serving as GR for my home group. Earlier this week I went to family night at a local rehab and spoke as part of Alanon outreach. Doing those things helps keep me from isolating myself, which I tend to do.

LifeRecovery

Meggem-

My "daily" recovery practice (cause lets face it I am far from perfect at it) has changed over the years and letting myself acknowledge when I need more or less and not to be so black/white has been part of the growth.

I NEEDED periods of all/nothing in this to help me to see how that was not serving me any longer.

Currently for me recovery looks like:
Regular SR checking/posting when I relate
Weekly therapy sessions
Monthly Rolfing sessions (a type of massage)
Some Alanon meetings (1-4 a month)
Regular activity
A lot of time snuggling with dogs
Daily readings of the Language of Letting go. I read some of the daily Alanon meetings for a long time, but right now more would be too much. .
Meditation I have done inconsistently off and on, right now it is off
Trying to take a few minutes each day that I just remember to "be" in my body
Regularly trying to remind myself that I am gift of the universe and to treat myself that way.
This one is hard for me, but trying to treat myself on a weekly basis with small things I like to do.

Ap052183

I attend therapy weekly and alanon weekly. I used to be literally consumed by addiction. I read books and frequented many forums all day. My therapist advised me to move away from that more. She's encouraged more self care in other ways to continue to develop my identity outside of my experience with addicts. I think it's really important to recover in that way too. Exercise, friends, hobbies all need to be part of recovery.

Butterfly

Meg I'm the same all or nothing. There are times when all I do is read and focus on trying to figure me out then other times I don't do anything.

At the start all I did was read about alcohol addiction and the impact on thinking, behaviours, family etc all about him. I slowly began to move away from that onto myself and my own issues and my recovery. At the minute my recovery looks a bit like this,

Regular reading and posting on SR
Reading beyond code pendency (more books on my reading list to go through)
Weekly counselling (well that will be put on hold for a bit now)
I try to attend weekly alanon meetings
Weekly yoga class
Weekly fitness classes, boxercise & less ills cx
I've recently started doing 10 minutes of mindfulness in the morning before work
Listening to positive affirmations and repeating them in a mirror as I smile to myself lol.
Spending time with good friends
Reading non recovery books - I try to read a good book in between recovery books)
Walking on the beach.
Nice long bubble baths
Working on myself and figuring out who I am and what I like

Some of these have taken. Aback seat in the last 2 weeks as I haven't been well but as soon as I'm better il be back into my recovery.

I do need to eat healthier as there would be days I wouldn't eat except for little unhealthy things.

InfoSponge

Gooood question. I know I'm a total SR newbie, but recovery for me started more than a year ago, thanks to a wondermas therapist. Even though I just yesterday learned about codependency and realize that is the proper label for the hell I have put myself through, she was the first to endure my outpouring of endless sorry and whiplashing, confused discussion over himself and myself, and so on. The day I realized none of it was my fault, it was like I had been hit by a lightning bolt to the forehead. Cue wide eyes and stupefied gasp. I then informed her she is a proper Jedi Master, having beautifully sat and smiled through months of me sorting myself out without betraying a thing.

Since then, I have focused on myself, and my life. Inevitably, old habits die hard and I do catch myself dwelling on what he is thinking, etc, so it's dwindled to occasions when we have had a confrontation or he has had a binge / meltdown. As time goes on, that only decreases, practice makes perfect. Part of that practice for me has been actively speaking with friends and family about what I think and feel, refusing to internalize my fears, and eventually becoming brave enough to use the word no with him and stand by it. Sorry is becoming a scarcity in my vocabulary. Whatever books I read about alcoholism, or lately time spent on this site with you fine people, I make certain that that amount of time is doubled on something for myself. Read other books about whatever the heck I want give myself a manicure, take a nice hot bath, go for a nice drive and listen to whatever music I want, snuggle up with small people and watch a funny movie, things that make me smile and just enjoy Who I am. I do backslide, and after being here and reading what you all have to say, reading through material that's in suggested to me here, I realize that much more subtle tendencies I did not realize I had still need my attention. It's an ongoing process, I am still planning my first Al-anon meeting. ( now that I know what it is lol) as short as my experience has been here so far, if the personal joy that I have found in it is any indication, I am very excited about Al Anon. Onward and upward, weeee!