DesertEyes

Oh wow. I struggled with this exact issue for _so_ long.

See, I _wanted_ to "brush it off". If I could somehow, someway, figure out the "reason" behind my parents abusive behavior then I could find a way to convince them that they should change their behavior and I would have the nice, happy family that I always wanted.

Obsessing on whether they "meant" it or not is what kept me sane as a child. Believing that it was the booze that was evil and my parents is what allowed me to have an "escape" from the insanity. As an adult, however, it was no longer a useful "survival technique" and kept me stuck on Step 1.

What I believe today is that the "reason" why my parents did what they did is irrelevant in my life. It's not their motivation that caused me harm, it was their _actions_. Whether they meant it, or not, the result is still the same. Even if there _were_ an alien with a mind-control ray the result would still be the same: _I_ have to heal from the abuse.

( By the way, I'd never heard of the alien with the ray gun. I _like_ that analogy )

Goodness, I can't imagine using such as soft word as "like" in that sentence. I felt _much_ stronger feelings about this, way stronger.

I think each one of us ACoA's has to answer that question for their own situation. As others have mentioned, alcoholism and abuse are two entirely independent things. In my case my father quit drinking and even went to AA for some years. Nothing else changed. After he died I found out that he'd had a second wife and second family, at the same time as he was married to my mother. He had this other family while he was drinking, and continued it after he quit drinking.

So in my "family of origin" the alcohol was not the reason why he was the kind of man he was. It was just an "accelerant", like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Mike