Amy, I completely get the want-to-know-it-wasn't-me-making-him-treat-me-that-way vs not-wanting-him-to-hurt-her. I think, based on discussions at support groups, we're not alone in playing those wishes against each other. Wanting to know that it wasn't your fault that he treated you like he did doesn't make you a bad person, Amy. It only shows just how much he hurt you.
(((Gentle hugs)))