Yeah, he really said that about me leaving.
All I could do was stare at him and blink.
OK - I'm ready to say it. This ending came about because:
1 - he was drunk AGAIN, flipped out about something crazy AGAIN, followed me around with me telling him to leave me alone and I'd talk to him when he's sober in the AM. It ended with him saying "FINE - you have 30 days to get out." I responded by saying "THAT'S PERFECT!"
2 - I was FINALLY ready, and started searching for places HARD the next AM - I have been half-assed looking for 3 years off and on, and regret not jumping on a couple of them. My fault.
Last night I was packing, he was drunk and in a mood. I made the mistake of asking what's wrong. "This is sad" he slurred. He went on and on about how he wants to be friends after this - like we used to be. He doesn't want to be like my others exes where I don't see them ever. I kept my mouth shut on that part, lol. Punkin, it is a BREAK UP I wanted to say...
I walked up, put my arm around him, and said 'it IS sad, but it's going to be so much better for both of us in the long run.' Then I really messed up and said - it's super painful, but it's good - I am already feeling like myself again. He said he is too. I said GOOD!!
Immediately, I considered my outburst of positivity ...I don't think I meant it as a dig. Maybe I did - I really wasn't thinking about anything besides my own reflecting when I said it. He's an A. He takes a lot of things as a dig, and naturally this is one of them. He immediately came back with 'I was thinking today about your constant every day all day head games.' I said, really? All day every day huh?
"Yup"
I said, Well, it's taken me a lot of work in the last 3 years to get to this point and feel good about it.
He said "so you are leaving on your own accord?"
I really didn't know what that meant or how to answer - i think he was getting at "he told me to leave."
OK - I don't care and didn't answer. Honestly I want to send him flowers for that part. I clearly couldn't do it on my own!
He followed that up with 'you're so controlling.' I said 'that has all changed and has been changed for a long time' - I have changed, and you are still drinking. That's when he busted out the
"YOU STILL THINK THIS IS ABOUT MY DRINKING?!"
I blinked, I tried not to grin, I went to bed. I had danced that ridiculous dance enough for the night. Enough for a lifetime. I see my part in things last night. I don't care - It's almost over!!
I am happy right now. I know it shows when I'm there, and I'm trying not to be a jerk about it. I caught myself whistling while I was packing and stopped. I'm taking down pictures last because I'm a wierdo codie and don't want him to feel bad - at least in front of me haha. I walk far away when friends or family calls, and I keep convos about him and the move to a minimum - I mainly talk about myself. Haha - I mainly think about myself! I just want this far, far behind me.
He is leaving for fishing Friday AM through Sunday, I am leaving for a bike trip Sat AM through Sunday. Final moving day is Monday. That's 3 nights we have left together. Counting the minutes here....