"You STILL think this is about my drinking?!"

Old 08-26-2015, 10:38 AM
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"You STILL think this is about my drinking?!"

Yeah, he really said that about me leaving.
All I could do was stare at him and blink.

OK - I'm ready to say it. This ending came about because:
1 - he was drunk AGAIN, flipped out about something crazy AGAIN, followed me around with me telling him to leave me alone and I'd talk to him when he's sober in the AM. It ended with him saying "FINE - you have 30 days to get out." I responded by saying "THAT'S PERFECT!"
2 - I was FINALLY ready, and started searching for places HARD the next AM - I have been half-assed looking for 3 years off and on, and regret not jumping on a couple of them. My fault.

Last night I was packing, he was drunk and in a mood. I made the mistake of asking what's wrong. "This is sad" he slurred. He went on and on about how he wants to be friends after this - like we used to be. He doesn't want to be like my others exes where I don't see them ever. I kept my mouth shut on that part, lol. Punkin, it is a BREAK UP I wanted to say...

I walked up, put my arm around him, and said 'it IS sad, but it's going to be so much better for both of us in the long run.' Then I really messed up and said - it's super painful, but it's good - I am already feeling like myself again. He said he is too. I said GOOD!!

Immediately, I considered my outburst of positivity ...I don't think I meant it as a dig. Maybe I did - I really wasn't thinking about anything besides my own reflecting when I said it. He's an A. He takes a lot of things as a dig, and naturally this is one of them. He immediately came back with 'I was thinking today about your constant every day all day head games.' I said, really? All day every day huh?

"Yup"

I said, Well, it's taken me a lot of work in the last 3 years to get to this point and feel good about it.

He said "so you are leaving on your own accord?"

I really didn't know what that meant or how to answer - i think he was getting at "he told me to leave."
OK - I don't care and didn't answer. Honestly I want to send him flowers for that part. I clearly couldn't do it on my own!

He followed that up with 'you're so controlling.' I said 'that has all changed and has been changed for a long time' - I have changed, and you are still drinking. That's when he busted out the

"YOU STILL THINK THIS IS ABOUT MY DRINKING?!"

I blinked, I tried not to grin, I went to bed. I had danced that ridiculous dance enough for the night. Enough for a lifetime. I see my part in things last night. I don't care - It's almost over!!

I am happy right now. I know it shows when I'm there, and I'm trying not to be a jerk about it. I caught myself whistling while I was packing and stopped. I'm taking down pictures last because I'm a wierdo codie and don't want him to feel bad - at least in front of me haha. I walk far away when friends or family calls, and I keep convos about him and the move to a minimum - I mainly talk about myself. Haha - I mainly think about myself! I just want this far, far behind me.

He is leaving for fishing Friday AM through Sunday, I am leaving for a bike trip Sat AM through Sunday. Final moving day is Monday. That's 3 nights we have left together. Counting the minutes here....
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Old 08-26-2015, 10:56 AM
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FB- You are staying on the right path!! So proud of you, and you must be proud of yourself also!!!
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Old 08-26-2015, 11:03 AM
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Thank you Maia! I AM proud of me right now. There are things i'm not proud of...

Detaching without the love part.
Engaging.
Lots and lots of anger and cold shoulder to him.
Lying to myself that ANYTHING i've said in 5 years has sunk in with regards to drinking.
General codie behavior, mainly vodka bottle level checking (although I'd argue that knowing is sometimes appreciated, so you know the level of conversation / confiding to bother attempting), and ditching out on my friends and fam in the beginning to hang with him.
And just mostly staying so long, let alone starting the relationship despite my feeling about his drinking.

Those are mine, and the next chapter is me forgiving me, and fixing that so as not to repeat, and for that, I am so excited!
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Old 08-26-2015, 11:06 AM
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firebolt.....he was drunk. I know that you know.....there is no way to have a rational conversation with someone who is drunk.
He probably is sad. In most all breakups...unless it is a simultaneously mutual agreement....someone is always sad. I commend you for not trying to rub it in for him. It shows basic compassion.

Obviously, he is still up to his knees in denial....and, of course, trying to protect his drinking. Expecting him to see the situation objectively and take responsibility for his part is just to much to expect from a drinking alcoholic. Their disease has the upper hand.

I think you are handling a difficult situation as well as can be expected.

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Old 08-26-2015, 11:16 AM
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Thanks for the reminder, Dandylion.

I have some of the definition of insanity going on by even trying last night.

There has never been any responsibility from him of his actions towards me, and there is never any validation of my feelings - all I can expect is that there never will be. When I admit fault or make amends, he jumps right on it with 'supporting' statements of how bad I am.

I can't wait for a much, much different life and environment - and between you guys, his actions, and my own even, I am reminded over and over again of why.
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Old 08-26-2015, 11:23 AM
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My X blames everything and anyone for our split...except of course it had nothing to do with being an alcoholic!!! Geez...

QUACK!

Stay strong my friend!
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Old 08-26-2015, 11:46 AM
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FWIW, I'm asking you to give yourself a break on that list of things you're not proud of just now. Until you've had some space and time away from this day-to-day, really-not-healthy interaction, you shouldn't set standards of behavior that would be tough for even the healthiest of couples to maintain.

I'm super proud of you for how you're moving forward, firebolt. I can't wait to hear about your bright and beautiful future.
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Old 08-26-2015, 12:30 PM
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Yup, you're allowed to be human. Nothing you're "not so proud of" is anything to be ashamed of, either.

Just do your best to keep your gears in "neutral" till you are OUT. No whistling, no engaging with his sadness/anger/insanity. You can skip and jump happily once you are out of range. No need to rub salt in anyone's wounds--yours or his.

I'm proud of you, too, and really impressed by how well you've managed all this in a fairly short period of time. It really is true that once our minds are made up, suddenly everything becomes very clear, and anything is possible.
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Old 08-26-2015, 01:16 PM
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Much love to you, fb. <3
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Old 08-26-2015, 01:18 PM
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To you too W!!!

It is true, Lexie. And nothing will stop us once we're there!
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Old 08-26-2015, 01:22 PM
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Another vote for giving yourself a break, Fire! All of us have a list like that & all of us have regretted getting sucked into the drama when we know better.

THREE nights left! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
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Old 08-26-2015, 02:57 PM
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Sending big hugs and peace to you! You're doing just fine-keep your head down and don't engage if he tries-which he WILL try! Yes-you did everything you could to make the relationship work-he did not. His burden to bear, not yours.

I second Hopeful when I say my ex blames everything and everyone for our divorce except that he was a raging alcoholic with disgusting behaviors. Oh well-I'm just glad I'm not his wife anymore-that became a liability.

Peace to you!
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Old 08-28-2015, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
Thank you Maia! I AM proud of me right now. There are things i'm not proud of...

Detaching without the love part.
Engaging.
Lots and lots of anger and cold shoulder to him.
Lying to myself that ANYTHING i've said in 5 years has sunk in with regards to drinking.
General codie behavior, mainly vodka bottle level checking (although I'd argue that knowing is sometimes appreciated, so you know the level of conversation / confiding to bother attempting), and ditching out on my friends and fam in the beginning to hang with him.
And just mostly staying so long, let alone starting the relationship despite my feeling about his drinking.

Those are mine, and the next chapter is me forgiving me, and fixing that so as not to repeat, and for that, I am so excited!
AND be proud you didn't post his name online
and where to find this guy.
Or I might be tempted to go over there and unleash some major
Texas [boot]kicking...

Congratulations on taking a big step forward. You go!
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