In so much pain today. It's hit me, deeply, that my doctor, my ex doctor, has treated me like everyone else in my life from the beginning. She threw me out like garbage, reaffirmed that I am a disposable human being, and that the only place I belong is in the sewage. She threw me in the sewer.
It wasn't just about her f*cking with my mind through the medication, it's about another loss to pile up on a lifetime where abandonment, where my disposability, where I am valued less than sewage has happened again. Where I realize that everything she told me in the past two years--including that she would never abandon me--is a lie. A big, fat, ugly LIE.
And the pain of that is whipping through me like a thousand blades cutting me to shreds again. This is the recurrent message of my life--that I am worthless, disposable, garbage, worse than garbage, sewage. And the pain is killing me. This is what keeps me from full recovery. This is what has never healed in over 30 years of trying. This is the wound that will never heal, can never heal. And why I wonder am I bothering with any of this?
There is no cure, no healing, nothing but this emptiness and living with knowing I am worthless and will always be thrown out by everyone everywhere I go. I pick the wrong people, and I am obviously the "wrong" people or I wouldn't keep being told I was garbage/sewage. I don't know how much more I can take honestly.
I still haven't found housing. Mostly because I don't know what to do. And I lose days to anxiety, pain, fear, disability. And time is closing in fast. My voucher is up in a week or less actually.
I think I've tried heroically to survive. But I am honestly tired, worn out. And having nothing to sustain me makes it harder each day.
I don't expect anyone to reply I just needed to write honestly how I felt and pretend like someone gives a damn.....