Hi everyone,
I have spent a lot of time reading posts on this forum. And decided now was a good time to post something of my own. I have been struggeling with alcohol addiction on and off for the last 5 years or so. I dont think I ever in this time reach my 7 day sober goal as I have set for myself many times.. It is hard to quit, when drinking has become such a huge part of my daily routine.
I have tried to identify why I drink, and no clear reason has presented itself. I have two beautifull kids, I have an amazing girlfriend, we live in a nice calm place. I hate my job though, but many people do without drinking.. I notice that I am afraid of being sober in the evening, so I use all day to plan on ways getting drunk without nobody knowing. In my head my AV tells me that it is going to be a terrible evening if I do not get enough alcohol. It is impossible for me only to drink a beer or a glass of wine, if I do the craving for more gets to incredible more powerfull. I dont even get drunk anymore, not the way I used to anyway.. I just drink and drink until everyting is blurry, and then pass out in bed. There is absolutly no fun or enjoyment connected to it at all, but still I do it again and again. Waking up in the morning, hating my self even more, telling my self this is it.. Then the day moves along and suddently I find my self planning ways to get drunk again..
It is madness to keep these patterns, as I know they are destroying me, and those around me. It is so easy to fool oneself.
Strange how the mind works as I read trough some posts on this forum and see people been drinking daily for 10, 20, 30 years.. My AV then tells me "Hey, then its not so bad. I have only been drinking for 5 years. I could keep going at least 5 more!"....
So thats me, or at least the addiction part of me.
Whats positiv is that today I woke up feeling quite different. Like I have som sort of new drive to be done with this nasty ****. So today is my first day sober. Going to stay that way all trough the day.
Thanks to anyone willing to read
Feels good to let out some deep feelings. I see there are alot of incredible people here who have done so well and that is so inspiering!