17 months
Tomorrow since my stbxah walked out without a backward glance or 2nd thought. The only reason I remembered and had to actually count is that tomorrow is also the anniversary of a young persons who I worked with for many years death from a drugs overdose. I think about her every day, she was only 18.
Tomorrow will also be the day that I cross petition for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Stbxah hasn't responded to his solicitors letters so we can't proceed with his divorce petition.
I am meeting my barrister tomorrow to draw up my own petition!!!!
It's been difficult for me to come to terms with proceeding but I will for my own sanity and to help me move forward with my life and recovery. My anxiety, obsessive thinking, behaviours and insecurities has been through the roof I even contacted the old friend to apologise again for how I behaved and told him I didn't want to lose his friendship!!
I know I shouldn't have and I had been thinking more rationally about that situation, yes I behaved obsessively but he was very keen right up until he decided he just wanted to be friends then he became distant, this was when I became very anxious wondering what I had done wrong and set about trying to fix it, my anxiety increased as did my behaviours until I pushed him away completely. That said I do think he was only after one thing and when he realised I wouldn't have given it up easily he didn't want to know, that's his responsibility. My responsibility is my anxiety and behaviours and the biggie believing what people say rather than waiting to see how they behave!! Still a sucker for the right words.
I could be wrong but I think my anxiety has increased due to submitting my own petition fo divorce, I do t want to lose anyone else from my life and while I know this is the right thing for me it really is the end of everything, hopes, dreams all those years wanting someone and hanging in their hoping and praying they would seek help and everything would be ok. I accepted all his behaviour because he told me he loved me and couldn't lose me, I believed this was love!! So tomorrow I have to tell my barrister everything he put me through so it can be recorded as my petition, which he will then receive. My barrister will also be asking the courts to grant that he pay the costs. Remembering everything even if only for a few seconds has been difficult and may be another reason I've focused on the old friend again, trying not to lose someone else and fixing my mistakes.
My mood has been very low this week but I keep getting up, putting my brave face on and getting through the day.
DD returned from her holiday and of course she came here doesn't want to go to her dads but plans on moving out. I spoke to her again About living at home and the options, her view was that we all four own thing, wash our own dishes etc as she didn't see why she had to wash DS dishes. So I made a decision that she could stay here but she would be responsible for herself, her own meals, dishes, washing and cleaning up after herself. She freaked apparently that wasn't what she meant. I told her I wasn't living in the house how it had been so I wouldn't be asking her to do anything for me and I wouldn't be doing anything for her, she's 21 time to start looking after herself!! So far it's been peaceful although she is fuming and her washing is piling up, she left a load in the machine the other day and mormally Id hang it up but didn't I took it out put it in the basket and it's still there!!
So what have I been doing for me to help. Well my dr increased my anti depressants, I've met my new counsellor twice now and have my third session tomorrow night which is good!! For the last three weeks I've been going to yoga and increasing my time at the time doing classes, and going mostly on my own, which part of me feels sad and lonely. About but on the other hand doing things by myself is part of learning about me and becoming happy with myself and enjoying my own company. I don't know anyone in my classes but I do speak to others. I seem to be out more than I'm in recently but the classes fit in with my kids, home to make dinner then I can go out and have some me time!!
Sorry for the long post and I don't know if I'm having aha moments or if my thinking is still messed up!!
Thank you for reading.
Oh and my yoga instructor said this at the end of class tonigh which I love
May the thoughts that I think and the words that I speak come from the love within my heart.
May make this my new signature.