17 months

Old 08-11-2015, 02:10 PM
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Smile 17 months

Tomorrow since my stbxah walked out without a backward glance or 2nd thought. The only reason I remembered and had to actually count is that tomorrow is also the anniversary of a young persons who I worked with for many years death from a drugs overdose. I think about her every day, she was only 18.

Tomorrow will also be the day that I cross petition for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Stbxah hasn't responded to his solicitors letters so we can't proceed with his divorce petition.

I am meeting my barrister tomorrow to draw up my own petition!!!!

It's been difficult for me to come to terms with proceeding but I will for my own sanity and to help me move forward with my life and recovery. My anxiety, obsessive thinking, behaviours and insecurities has been through the roof I even contacted the old friend to apologise again for how I behaved and told him I didn't want to lose his friendship!!

I know I shouldn't have and I had been thinking more rationally about that situation, yes I behaved obsessively but he was very keen right up until he decided he just wanted to be friends then he became distant, this was when I became very anxious wondering what I had done wrong and set about trying to fix it, my anxiety increased as did my behaviours until I pushed him away completely. That said I do think he was only after one thing and when he realised I wouldn't have given it up easily he didn't want to know, that's his responsibility. My responsibility is my anxiety and behaviours and the biggie believing what people say rather than waiting to see how they behave!! Still a sucker for the right words.

I could be wrong but I think my anxiety has increased due to submitting my own petition fo divorce, I do t want to lose anyone else from my life and while I know this is the right thing for me it really is the end of everything, hopes, dreams all those years wanting someone and hanging in their hoping and praying they would seek help and everything would be ok. I accepted all his behaviour because he told me he loved me and couldn't lose me, I believed this was love!! So tomorrow I have to tell my barrister everything he put me through so it can be recorded as my petition, which he will then receive. My barrister will also be asking the courts to grant that he pay the costs. Remembering everything even if only for a few seconds has been difficult and may be another reason I've focused on the old friend again, trying not to lose someone else and fixing my mistakes.

My mood has been very low this week but I keep getting up, putting my brave face on and getting through the day.

DD returned from her holiday and of course she came here doesn't want to go to her dads but plans on moving out. I spoke to her again About living at home and the options, her view was that we all four own thing, wash our own dishes etc as she didn't see why she had to wash DS dishes. So I made a decision that she could stay here but she would be responsible for herself, her own meals, dishes, washing and cleaning up after herself. She freaked apparently that wasn't what she meant. I told her I wasn't living in the house how it had been so I wouldn't be asking her to do anything for me and I wouldn't be doing anything for her, she's 21 time to start looking after herself!! So far it's been peaceful although she is fuming and her washing is piling up, she left a load in the machine the other day and mormally Id hang it up but didn't I took it out put it in the basket and it's still there!!

So what have I been doing for me to help. Well my dr increased my anti depressants, I've met my new counsellor twice now and have my third session tomorrow night which is good!! For the last three weeks I've been going to yoga and increasing my time at the time doing classes, and going mostly on my own, which part of me feels sad and lonely. About but on the other hand doing things by myself is part of learning about me and becoming happy with myself and enjoying my own company. I don't know anyone in my classes but I do speak to others. I seem to be out more than I'm in recently but the classes fit in with my kids, home to make dinner then I can go out and have some me time!!

Sorry for the long post and I don't know if I'm having aha moments or if my thinking is still messed up!!

Thank you for reading.

Oh and my yoga instructor said this at the end of class tonigh which I love

May the thoughts that I think and the words that I speak come from the love within my heart.

May make this my new signature.
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Old 08-11-2015, 03:52 PM
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I think you're doing great, all things considered. Now STOP CALLING THAT GUY!!!!

I'm sure having to think about all the crappy stuff your ex did HAS upped your anxiety, but I'm so, so proud of you for doing stuff like the yoga. I had to force myself to do things on my own at first, and now I have a great time going out on my own. When I was in NY to see a concert a few weeks ago, I struck up a conversation with some young Egyptian women who were able to give me tips on my upcoming trip to Morocco. I had some fun conversations with the people sitting near me at the concert, and on the train. You are opening up a whole new world for yourself! Keep on keepin' on!
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Old 08-11-2015, 04:20 PM
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I've followed your story for while, Butterfly. I think you are honest, brave, reflective, and an all-together, good soul. You've made a lot of growth, navigating this new path, and I have faith that the best is yet to come.
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Old 08-11-2015, 04:45 PM
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I have to chime in as well. I think you are doing a wonderful job. Good going !
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Old 08-11-2015, 04:59 PM
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Great job Butterfly!!

And yeah stop calling the DUDE lol. Good one Lexie.
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Old 08-11-2015, 05:09 PM
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Butterfly......are you still cooking for your daughter?

dandylion
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Old 08-11-2015, 05:29 PM
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Butterfly, you really do sound good to me! Sure, you feel into calling the guy one more time, but you sound very conscious of your patterns and like you're doing some great things to get into new habits. Yoga, that's terrific! It sounds to me like you have come a long way in processing your grief re: ASTBXH and the final divorce might not hit you as hard as you fear. Keep it up!
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Old 08-11-2015, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
May the thoughts that I think and the words that I speak come from the love within my heart.
What a beautiful quote. Thanks.

You sound good, Butterfly, and clear headed. What do you think of the new therapist?
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Old 08-11-2015, 06:30 PM
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((((((((((((Butterfly))))))))))))))

Be proud of what you have accomplished. All your baby steps are moving in right direction. YEA!!!!
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Old 08-11-2015, 09:26 PM
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Love you B, because you're very human, and you've had a lot of challenging replies on your thread but you seem to be able take a bit out of all of them without getting defensive.

Also, very few people have managed to make our level headed Lexie yell.

"Now STOP CALLING THAT GUY!!!! "
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Old 08-11-2015, 11:23 PM
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Thank you everyone ((((((hugs)))))) to you all. Yes I do get some challenging replies and I consider each and everyone, it's why I love posting here as I know I will get honest feedback. After my last few posts in really had to start considering my behaviour and try to look at the patterns and yes why I keep putting myself in the position where I know I will feel rejection but also my definition of friendship, if people really genuinely care for me they will love me at my worse. It is friends who have seen me at my lowest ebb but haven't left as they know I'm going through I tough time but you know what they still love me!!!!

Seriouskarma, the new therapist is nice, she's an older lady who seems to have a lot of experience. So far so good

Dandylion no I'm not cooking for her, I'm doing nothing for her. It's hard actually not to but I'm determined.

Thank you all so much really needed your encouragement today. Getting up now to get ready and file my divorce petition!!!! ))

Lexie, I will stop calling the guy, he's gone out of my life! )
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Old 08-12-2015, 05:29 AM
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Heh, that's not yelling, that's EMPHASIZING. And I know Butterfly knows it.
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Old 08-12-2015, 08:12 AM
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Lol Lexie I know you weren't shouting

So met with barrister, I'm not in control yet!! My cross petition will be submitted not agreeing to his grounds for divorce based on the fact that apparently we haven't lived together since 2000 but on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. He will receive my petition and given time to respond to meet and sort out the finances then once that's sorted we proceed to court for the divorce. If he doesn't respond then we request something from the court based on my petition, or something. My heads spinning!!

So although I'm not in control of it all I am letting him know that I'm not going to sit about and wait for him to decide to proceed!
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Old 08-12-2015, 10:54 AM
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NONE of us is "in control of it all"--sometimes it feels like we are, but we can control one tiny corner of the universe, and that's our actions and reactions. You are taking appropriate actions to take care of yourself. You can't control him, or the legal process. Sounds like you have good legal advisors who will provide you with the best advice that they can. (P.s., THEY don't have the power to control the legal process, either!)
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Old 08-12-2015, 11:59 AM
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I know you hate it, but divorce will help you move on from all of this. It's a process, but when it's done, it's done and you can move forward. You're doing great!

XXX
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Old 08-12-2015, 12:37 PM
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I am really proud of you, but to be a negative nelly, you have got to leave that guy alone, PLEASE!! Love ya and am happy you are moving forward, not backwards, even if it feels like tiny steps, it is still forwards. hon, just do you, the rest will come. take care of oyu, eat, work out, watch tv , read, and just concentrate on you. the rest falls into place when we don't force things. I look forward to the day when you have moved on and let your ex go. that weight must be heavy.
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Old 08-12-2015, 01:43 PM
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Butterfly you rock!! It sounds to me that you are on your path this way>>>>. Good for you!!! Keep it up... Ya see that? You are stronger than you think! Go get 'um girl!
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Old 08-12-2015, 02:04 PM
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Thanks Lexie, I know I'm not in control I guess control is the wrong word and as I'm trying to watch my controlling behaviour I should stop using the word lol. Suppose what I mean is that although it's a cross petition I am showing him that I won't sit by and let him decide when he wants to proceed. I won't let him manipulate me any longer. I will do whatever I have to push this divorce forward.

Thanks hopeful I'm not sure I do hate going through with the divorce I've accepted that it has to happen and I need it to happen for me. I think I. Finding the loss of all my hopes and dreams harder and the feelings that come with suddenly being on my own after so many years with one person and coming to terms with all my own feelings that have been stuffed down for too long and ignored. Still a bit conflicted I think.

Thanks daydreamer, I'm looking forward to the day when I finally feel free!

I will not contact him again. I know now this is my need to fix everything to make sure that whatever I've done wrong I can make it right and that people won't leave me and they want to be with me but again disrespecting my own myself and my gut instinct. I think!!

Had my 3rd counselling session tonight it was strange. The counsellor is a Christian and yes I believe in God and pray every night and day but she kept talking to me about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and reciting verses from the bible and as God loves me I should love myself. Yes I believe in God but that doesn't mean that because God loves me I love myself. I have a lot of FOO stuff to work through feelings of never being good enough and years of unhealthy relationships , thoughts and behaviours. I don't really know how I feel about it but I don't feel that I gained any understanding into me!!
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Old 08-12-2015, 02:05 PM
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Thanks lilro, it's one step forward and usually 10 steps back but I'm trying.
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Old 08-12-2015, 02:21 PM
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I think the words you are looking for are "assertive" or "self-possessed" or "pro-active" (as opposed to being RE-active). You are taking care of yourself and your needs in a healthy way, rather than playing "defense."

You know, one of the things I learned as a prosecutor is not to let the defense's claims control MY case. It's very easy for a prosecution to get off-track when you're running around trying to put out the brushfires and red herrings the defense strews around for that precise PURPOSE (think the O.J. Simpson case--the prosecution there would have been much better off, IMO, had they stuck to piling up the proof they had, rather than spending all their energy on damage-control). Same thing here. You do YOUR thing, and let him do whatever. YOU are going forward, regardless.

Great game plan!
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