I haven't been around for a few days, but wanted to stop and say hello and check out some of what people are saying. I'm doing pretty well. Work is hectic but I'm consciously simplifying everything that I can, even in just little ways. One of my coworkers tried to lambaste me the other day in front of the boss for example, and I took a second to breathe, and kept my cool. I knew I had done nothing wrong, moreover, everything right. Didn't take the bait. That was the kind of thing that would send me to the bar. It was, in fact, the kind of thing that sent me to the bar the last time I drank, on July 31, a night which I ended up remembering in brief flashes, with holes like Swiss cheese.
I don't want things to be so difficult anymore, and it seems that it doesn't have to be. On its surface, these things aren't the booze; I'm not drunk at work, not drunk when something makes me angry, it has nothing to do with drinking at all. But I sense that drinking has everything to do with how I perceive it. I want to run away so bad and booze does that, so I take these minor things I have absolutely no control over, and label them as a reason to drink.
First, it's not a reason to drink. The reason I dri (a) nk is to escape. Probably many other things too, that I don't know how to say yet.
Second, they really don't matter. My coworker is a jerk. I already knew that. So what? There are jerks everywhere. It's none of my business if he wants to show everyone, including the boss, that he's a jerk.
All of these stories I've been telling myself... they're all based on false pretense.
So anyway, I'd had this thread going about "what am I going to do differently" because the first few days, while I was getting these things, I was kind of edgy and sensitive and thinking "I DON'T KNOW!!!" but what I'm doing is this:
1) not drinking
2) setting boundaries
3) checking myself when I start to overthink (like the scenario I described above)
4) coming to this website even if I don't say a lot
5) checking myself when I start to worry (see #3)
6) keeping a running list of things I see that I am grateful for (tonight the sunset was gorgeous)
I read an entire book almost without pausing today. Sarah Hepola's "Blackout: Remembering the things I Drank To Forget". It really resonated with me. Has anyone here read it?
Hope you are all well.
xo -B