How do you let go of hope?
To me, this is more like "how do you finally accept that they'll keep relapsing?"
My husband is a relapsing machine. Really I think he just went from being a daily drinker to being a binge drinker. The really confusing part for me is that he attends AA meetings daily, is currently working the steps with a sponsor, sees a therapist weekly, is taking meds to help with cravings and the periods between his binges/relapses, he's actually really nice to be with. But the chaos, the immaturity, the inconsistency and imbalance that he brings to our home when he drinks and the anxiety of not knowing if/when he'll be there for me or our children, is just too much.
My husband has shown me repeatedly that this is who he is. Whether this is the man he'll be in 5, 10 or 15 years, I don't know. But he's shown me that this is who he is right now, and he's been showing me that for more than a year now. I finally see him not as I want him to be, not ONLY as the man that he is during the good times, but as a whole. His combined behaviors. He's sometimes really nice to be around, then he's hell on Earth to be in a room with and because it's entirely random there is no way to prepare for the shift from acceptable to insane behavior.
I haven't given up hope that one day he'll want sobriety enough to make it stick, but I know that I don't want to subject myself or my kids to his drinking and the chaos that comes along with it.
They are grown men. They have every right to drink. We have no obligation (and our children especially have no obligation) to live in a home with an alcoholic who chooses to drink.