Help me make this stick

Old 08-06-2015, 04:51 PM
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Help me make this stick

If you read my other posts....AH is back in active addition and in the last few days its really escalated. After two days drunk, where his behaviour was erratic and aggressive I told him I couldn't do 'it' anymore.

That I know it isn't plain sailing and that relapses can happen, but that we had agreed that his relapse would happen out of the house. And he had his plan for when a relapse happened - he just hasn't executed that plan (yet).

So I told him that he had the right to drink, and I had the right to put our children and my own welfare first and to feel safe in the house...so he needed to go somewhere else. I (wrong wrong wrong I know) did say that when he was ready to deal with his addiction again I was here.

How do you let go of hope? And how do you stop feeling responsible for someone else? And how do I not cave in? How do I accept this?

He was pretty erratic - got lots of calls saying "I have nowhere to go, if I go to a hotel I will descend into hell again, the only hope for me is if I am around you and the kids"...to "I am a grown up man, I can take care of myself, if I sleep under a bridge that's my choice" - don't worry I hear the poor me quackery in that....but he's also right.

I haven't cried a single tear...my overwheleming feeling was half relief that he's gone (he's been building up to this relapse and his anxiety is awful to be around - its infectious) to terrible worry about him, and our son.

Our son didn't even ask where he was last night. BUT his bed broke and he had to sleep on a mattress on the floor. His Dad made him two pieces of artwork whilst he was in rehab last year that my son has next to his bed....they were about 'Daddy finding his way back to his son'. Our son climbed up on his broken bed and took them down and stuck them back on the wall next to his pillow on the floor, saying to me "I hope I always remember the fun times". For a six year old he's pretty perceptive.

I was supposed to be away for work these last two days...a bad move from a work perspective, a good move for my family. I am taking the kids to the snow tomorrow - DS has never been and DD's have been once. I HATE the snow but I am looking forward to seeing their faces as they slide down the slopes.
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Old 08-06-2015, 06:22 PM
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In my opinion, i always have hope he gets sober.

It took a long time for me to stop "helping" him. Slowly you do things to empower yourself. You kicked him out, so you obviously are not feeling responsible for him.

The way you do not cave in, is no new contact means no new hurts. The more you see, hear and feel is when you cave. Block the calls, emails, texts. He can find a friend to enable him. Someone will. You don't have to. The farther you stay away the safer you and little jarbs will be. Stay busy and be the best mom you can be!!! You need not let him take your attention away from the kids.

How do you accept this???? Good question. Do any of us accept that the ones we love are addicts??? What I did, was finally realize that I could not longer "help" my addict, I was just hurting him, by enabling him. Give him a home, bed, food, conversation, phone and everything else. We don't have to accept anything, by kicking him out you are not accepting his inappropriate behavior. Right now, accept that you can "love" him from a distance. He doesn't have to be a full time person in your life right now. Take a break, enjoy your kids. Let things happen the way they are suppose to and stop interfering.

Hugs my friend!!! Read, and educate about this horrible disease!!
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Old 08-06-2015, 07:52 PM
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You did the right thing Jarp. You set a boundary, he knew full what the consequences of relapse were and chose to drink anyway. If you hadn't followed through your boundaries would mean nothing to him in the future.

You have a right to a peaceful home, and an obligation to your children to shield them from any damaging behavior on his part.

Stay strong!
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Old 08-06-2015, 08:30 PM
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Jarp, I'm sorry it's come to this. I hope he finds his way back to sobriety through the treatment program he's already in; I wonder if his professor sees this as part of the process?
My heart goes out to your little boy who seems wise beyond his years.
Otherwise, you seem to have everything in hand, even though I'm sure it's costing you a lot emotionally.

Trick to the snow; waterproof everything. As I fellow Aussie with limited snow experience, at first I was surprised at how wet snow was.
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Old 08-06-2015, 08:31 PM
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Originally Posted by jarp View Post

He was pretty erratic - got lots of calls saying "I have nowhere to go, if I go to a hotel I will descend into hell again, the only hope for me is if I am around you and the kids"...to "I am a grown up man, I can take care of myself, if I sleep under a bridge that's my choice" - don't worry I hear the poor me quackery in that....but he's also right.

.
Wow, I have heard the exact same things. I often wonder if there is a playbook or script that they follow.

Keeping you, the kids and him in my prayers.
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Old 08-06-2015, 08:43 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I came to a point where I felt I couldn't bear to live through another relapse. Giving up hope felt soul shattering. It really felt like a death of sorts and I went through a grieving process. When I gave up hope that he would stay sober is when I was able to stop "helping" him.

I remember an addiction counselor telling me you will know in your gut when you are done and it will become easier and easier to detach.

I hope your kids enjoy the snow. We are melting in my corner of the world.
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Old 08-06-2015, 08:46 PM
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How do you let go of hope?
To me, this is more like "how do you finally accept that they'll keep relapsing?"

My husband is a relapsing machine. Really I think he just went from being a daily drinker to being a binge drinker. The really confusing part for me is that he attends AA meetings daily, is currently working the steps with a sponsor, sees a therapist weekly, is taking meds to help with cravings and the periods between his binges/relapses, he's actually really nice to be with. But the chaos, the immaturity, the inconsistency and imbalance that he brings to our home when he drinks and the anxiety of not knowing if/when he'll be there for me or our children, is just too much.

My husband has shown me repeatedly that this is who he is. Whether this is the man he'll be in 5, 10 or 15 years, I don't know. But he's shown me that this is who he is right now, and he's been showing me that for more than a year now. I finally see him not as I want him to be, not ONLY as the man that he is during the good times, but as a whole. His combined behaviors. He's sometimes really nice to be around, then he's hell on Earth to be in a room with and because it's entirely random there is no way to prepare for the shift from acceptable to insane behavior.

I haven't given up hope that one day he'll want sobriety enough to make it stick, but I know that I don't want to subject myself or my kids to his drinking and the chaos that comes along with it.

They are grown men. They have every right to drink. We have no obligation (and our children especially have no obligation) to live in a home with an alcoholic who chooses to drink.
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Old 08-06-2015, 08:53 PM
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Sounds to me like the pain of staying has become more than the pain of leaving for you, jarp.
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Old 08-06-2015, 10:26 PM
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Thank you everyone. you are all right of course.

I need to stop picking up the pone, because he knows just how to hurt me andmake me quesiotn my decisions.

Apparently if I had gone away for work as I was supposed to none of this would have happened as he would have had a reason to not drink (looking after the kids). Doesn't matter that he HAS been doing that...Oh but whats a few beers before I pick kids up from school?

And also....if it were I who was the alcoholic, and I had relapsed, then he'd be holding me close and loving me better, not throwing me out onto the street. Regardless o whether I wanted to stop drinking or not.

Apparently we can 'never come back' from my 'cruelty', that he'll never forgive me and never forget what I have done to him.

I know its quacking and drunken ramblings but gosh it hurts. Time to turn the phone off,
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Old 08-07-2015, 12:10 AM
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Mine used to give me that line too about if the tables were turned and I was the drinker it would be all rainbows and sunshine and pure glowing love coming from him. Yep heard all the time how super supportive he would be. It was just a big load of manipulation.

Nothing you do causes him to drink and unfortunately nothing you do will bring about a cure either. (He'll have to see LadyScribbler's ex for that. )

I'm sorry you are dealing with this mess. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing for your kids.

It's so challenging to stay the course at times like this. 2 years out and I still get guilt attacks. Nothing has changed for my ex but the kids and I are doing so much better.
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Old 08-07-2015, 01:00 AM
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Boy he sure doesn't like taking personal responsibility does he? Jarp, I don't think I have seen anyone work as hard as you have to be supportive of this man. Enough is enough. He has a mountain of tools at his disposal to cope in a healthy way with life. He has made the choice to drink instead. Make no mistake he has chosen this. No one lead him, pushed him or coerced him. He chose to relapse. He chooses to drink.
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Old 08-07-2015, 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by LucyGoosey View Post
Nothing you do causes him to drink and unfortunately nothing you do will bring about a cure either. (He'll have to see LadyScribbler's ex for that. )
BaaahaaaHA!!!!!
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Old 08-07-2015, 08:14 AM
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I can't advise you on how to let go of hope, jarp. I don't think we can control how we feel or what we want. But we can control whether we act on hope, whether we let our head or our heart do the driving.

Your son sounds very accepting of who his father is, sad as it may be. It might be time to take a page from his book and try to do the same.
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Old 08-07-2015, 11:07 AM
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Jarp, I noticed you've been on here a while and had a look at some of your older posts. It sounds like the last time you kicked him out, he really put you through hell--repeated suicide attempts, emotional abuse, guilt tripping. No wonder you're worried about making it stick! Are there things you can do differently this time to make a cleaner break? I noticed that last time your lawyer recommended you get a restraining order--maybe you can do that this time? And get the ball rolling on a financial separation so you don't have to deal with him blowing tons of money on hotels, booze and strippers? You've really been through hell and back with him. You deserve some peace, even if he chooses to implode. In any case, not picking up the phone is definitely a step in the right direction?
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