jarp

If you read my other posts....AH is back in active addition and in the last few days its really escalated. After two days drunk, where his behaviour was erratic and aggressive I told him I couldn't do 'it' anymore.

That I know it isn't plain sailing and that relapses can happen, but that we had agreed that his relapse would happen out of the house. And he had his plan for when a relapse happened - he just hasn't executed that plan (yet).

So I told him that he had the right to drink, and I had the right to put our children and my own welfare first and to feel safe in the house...so he needed to go somewhere else. I (wrong wrong wrong I know) did say that when he was ready to deal with his addiction again I was here.

How do you let go of hope? And how do you stop feeling responsible for someone else? And how do I not cave in? How do I accept this?

He was pretty erratic - got lots of calls saying "I have nowhere to go, if I go to a hotel I will descend into hell again, the only hope for me is if I am around you and the kids"...to "I am a grown up man, I can take care of myself, if I sleep under a bridge that's my choice" - don't worry I hear the poor me quackery in that....but he's also right.

I haven't cried a single tear...my overwheleming feeling was half relief that he's gone (he's been building up to this relapse and his anxiety is awful to be around - its infectious) to terrible worry about him, and our son.

Our son didn't even ask where he was last night. BUT his bed broke and he had to sleep on a mattress on the floor. His Dad made him two pieces of artwork whilst he was in rehab last year that my son has next to his bed....they were about 'Daddy finding his way back to his son'. Our son climbed up on his broken bed and took them down and stuck them back on the wall next to his pillow on the floor, saying to me "I hope I always remember the fun times". For a six year old he's pretty perceptive.

I was supposed to be away for work these last two days...a bad move from a work perspective, a good move for my family. I am taking the kids to the snow tomorrow - DS has never been and DD's have been once. I HATE the snow but I am looking forward to seeing their faces as they slide down the slopes.