Bad day today. I spent a long time on the phone trying to find a doctor or clinic to help me but no one will go near methadone and even the anti-anxiety medication is difficult to find. I have tried so many antidepressants, so many supplements and alternative meds, tried "breathing techniques" but nothing has helped my anxiety the way that that one medication has. I WISH something else worked, then I wouldn't be in this mess...
One clinic said they would switch me back to suboxone but since that caused a severe bout of depression I really don't want to have to go back on it. Plus it does not help my chronic pain issues at all. It was a roaring failure. The clinic said I could try subutex, that they've found people who have problems with the suboxone can sometimes do the subutex. But they won't be able to help me get onto to it for months. If at all.
I struck out so many times I was bawling by the time I was through. I feel like I am being punished. And tortured. Because what my ex-"doctor" is doing is sadistic. She knows how bad my panic is, she knows I am a literal torture survivor, and she is willing to purposely put me through all of this because she doesn't like me anymore. Well, obviously she HATES me. How can it be legal for a doctor to punish her patients?
I don't know what I am going to do! I've already lost ten pounds due to infection, anxiety, and the heatwave we've had. So I don't have any energy and I am supposed to be finding a new place to live and packing. There's nothing affordable here. I live in NOWHERE USA and I'm seeing studios, tiny 250 sq. ft. studios, renting for $1000 per month! That's way more than my monthly income! They must have solid gold toilets or be on seriously nasty mind-altering substances. This is one of the ten poorest counties in the nation and people are asking for rents like that.
I'm really losing it. I feel utterly hopeless. I don't know how I am supposed to survive all of this, I really don't.
Thanks for letting me have a place to say all this. It helps just to write it down.