Monday afternoon here and checking in. Had a bit of issue with husband over something totally unrelated to drinking and I am pretty annoyed about it. Didnt sleep great last night cos of it. Just something he said really irritated me and I can't really get it out of my head now. But despite all that I genuinely feel very different this time than any previous time. This is it for me and it really is for me. I had been a little concerned I was only doing it for my husband and our small kids. But something just clicked in last night that this is all for me.
I think so much of it is habit for me. It is hard to imagine a Friday night without downing a bottle of wine.. and more. I have it built into my head that is how to distress and relax. But I do think once I go a few Friday nights doing something different that it will be easier to forget about it.
Last Friday night we had 2 episodes of acts series we were watching recorded including the finale. We had been waiting all week. Finally got kids off to bed and sat down. Him with his tea and goodies me with my wine. I wax asleep within about 45 minutes. I had started supping the wine in between putting them to bed and then downed a glass in about 20 mins when sitting with him.
It is like water to me once I start. I ruined our much anticipated night. It may sound silly as it wasn't exactly a big exciting night but it's what we enjoy. I have ruined probably hundreds of Friday nights in a similar way.
I'm trying to be honest here as denial is a factor for me and the fact is I cannot handle drink once I start. I am a selfish obsessed person when I do take it. There are no good night's with it anymore. Just one is pointless. Even a few is pointless as I would just always want more more more.
I am done with that. I am over it. Waste of my time. Time spent planning thinking wondering about it. Passing out on couch. My husband said to me once that he felt lonely when I would be passed on on the couch beside him. His wife is gone. That was years ago and I still didn't stop. He sure isnt perfect but he doesn't deserve lots of lonely night because of me. The guilt I am hoping will pass in time.
Phew sorry this was so long. I needed to get it all out!