Dear all-
I had a therapy appointment yesterday and of course this was my topic of choice.
Though this started out as the topic, as always my therapist and my best self got me to where it needed to be, and for me it is about years of unresolved anger.
I don't think this is the answer for everyone but I wanted to share what I learned. For me this experience, this post and my recent sessions unbeknownst to me have been about some really really old FOO stuff. I call them core wounding. I believe to heal from core wounding I need to dig it out, dreg it up, clean it out and then it can heal. I think this has been a huge step toward that.
My home was safe, and I had many physical, and mental needs met. Not so much for emotional ones. My mom grew up in an alcoholic home, and I suspect my dad may have. My mom was pretty shut down emotionally, and my dad was also, except around anger.....he would yell and rage, I would shut down and became the "good" girl. My brother (who is younger) fought back.
I believe this is what anger looked like and my little being decided I did not want to do that. In part because of this but for many other reasons I decided that being numb/shut down was normal and what I wanted (which looks like my mom). This is part of what created my own addiction and eating disorder. My exAH that got me here does anger like my dad.
So now as an adult instead of getting angry I get confused, deeply confused when I am really feeling angry. Angry is not allowed though so I "choose" confusion instead. I can't talk, make decisions and the old overthinking/ruminating behavior comes rushing back into my life. I used to do this with EVERYTHING, yesterday I realized I only do this about situations that I am avoiding feeling angry about.
How does this tie in to my original post you wonder?
I have detached physically and mentally from many of the people that I am struggling with in my life, but I am still really confused by them. I overthink ALL of my behaviors around those relationships from years ago to last week. In some instances I don't have a relationship with them anymore but in my head/heart.
In reality I am angry about a lot of things that involve these relationships. The biggest challenge is probably that I get confused about what is theirs/what is mine in these relationships......and it keeps me attached.
I cannot let them go because I am still having unresolved emotions around them. I can't see that their behavior is their's because of this wall from my own childhood (which kept me safe at one time).
So much more of my life and my relationship history makes sense now. I feel floaty and kind of untethered right now, but also relieved and like a weight has been lifted. Having this experience, asking you (and my therapist) for help and doing my recovery "work" has moved me to a new level......and I will be a more complete and whole person because of this journey I get to take. I have worked through the anger with my college boyfriend and can seperate out his/mine just fine. The contrast to that relationship and my exAH is startling in many aspects and I am looking forward to the feeling what I need to feel so I can let my ex go and his stuff be rightfully where it needs to be....on his shoulders
Again, I suspect this is not the core for everyone but it is my truth and I wanted to make sure to follow up. Thanks for all the great posts.