Detachment vs "Letting Go"

Old 07-22-2015, 01:42 PM
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Detachment vs "Letting Go"

Hi all-

I had a minor eye procedure a couple of weeks ago. It was in a city I was unfamiliar with and I had to have help after the procedure. For a variety of practical reasons I had a long-term friend help me out. This friend a number of years ago was a boyfriend, but he has since married and has a great family. We have remained casual friends. It was the first time we had spent any significant time together in 20 years. He did me a huge favor and nothing untoward happened.

On two occasions on the trip though we had some pretty significant discussions about closure, both from our relationship in college and after our relationship ended. The fact that we had to have the conversation shocked me, but I was able to stay present throughout and we got a lot worked out and healed (for him, his wife and myself).

Between that and a number of other things I have been thinking/feeling a lot about the difference between detachment (which I had done years ago with this person), and letting go (which I think for me means thinking kind loving thoughts for them and is much less conscious which I have also done with him).

This trip allowed me to look at the different between my college boyfriend and my exAH that got me here. Though I have detached from my exAH that go me here, I have not let go of that relationship or him. This trip helped me to see what I have healed from this long-ago relationship, but some healing I still need to do with my ex.

Detachment for me is something I have to consciously consider, plan for and think about. It is about putting space between me and the other person to allow me to take care of myself. It is a lot of hard work.

Part of why I have realized I have detached from but not "let go" of my ex is this. I am not in touch with him at all except about taxes once yearly. However he still takes up space in my head and heart. Though I don't want to be toegher, I still think, and feel like if I "am" a certain way that he will somehow apologize for his behavior and/or acknowledge and attempt to help me heal. I still somehow believe that he has the key to my healing in some small way.

Firesprite's post about intimacy made me consider. Detachment for me may be about the other person and keeping safe, but letting go is for me, about me and to allow me the space for healing. I don't know that I have done this completely.

Due to my procedure I have a lot of follow ups with a 6+ hour round trip drive right now. Today for the first time on the trip I spent some time wishing my ex well, hoping that he was happy, healthy and getting what he needs from life and "cutting" the imaginary cord that still ties us together (in my head and heart). This comes naturally for me with my college boyfriend but was really hard for me about my ex.

So my question for all you wise people is this. What do you do to help you to move to that deeper level of detachment/letting go? How have you made it so it is a part of your being and not "work." Who have you been successful around this with? Who are you still working on it with (I have some pieces to work on with my family around this also). How is it all working for you in your life.

Thanks so much. What a great couple of healing weeks this has been on all the realms, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.
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Old 07-22-2015, 02:58 PM
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I look forward to reading these responses bc I have no clue!
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Old 07-22-2015, 03:44 PM
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I think praying for them helps. I also visualize placing them in their Higher Power's hands, and trust that they ARE being cared for. That helped me a lot with letting go of my second husband. I still get nervous when I hear he has called (the last time was a couple of years ago when he called my old office but never called here), but that's more a reason to just stay away from him. I don't want to reawaken old hurts, and it's better this way. I don't hate him, I wish him the best, but if I never see/hear from him again I will be fine.
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Old 07-22-2015, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I think praying for them helps. I also visualize placing them in their Higher Power's hands, and trust that they ARE being cared for. That helped me a lot with letting go of my second husband. I still get nervous when I hear he has called (the last time was a couple of years ago when he called my old office but never called here), but that's more a reason to just stay away from him. I don't want to reawaken old hurts, and it's better this way. I don't hate him, I wish him the best, but if I never see/hear from him again I will be fine.

A fine fellow I go to for spiritual direction taught me to say that "he is in better hands than mine."

Thanks to all of you for an excellent post! I REALLY get the part about them being in our head and our heart. One priest friend, who has been in AA for over 30 years, specifically told me not to throw my mate out of my heart. So, I hold him there and turn him over and over again to God.
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Old 07-22-2015, 04:01 PM
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I really appreciate this post. I agree that detachment is often the mental and physical job of thinking about and putting strong boundaries in place, where letting go is the spiritual aspect. I agree that detachment comes first and then slowly after feeling strong and able in keeping your detachment in place, your heart and faith is in a place to allow the "letting go" happen.
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Old 07-23-2015, 06:33 AM
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I have a new phone and was able to read the responses last night. Thanks to you all.

After reading them I realized part of this is not just letting go, but forgiving.

I have finally started to feel anger after almost 39 years of not feeling it. My exAH that got me here is a big reason I can have that emotion (due to the confusion and hurt caused in our relationship). I have not had room for forgiveness yet for him because I suspect I have really needed to learn to feel.

I have forgiven my college boyfriend. It was a sweet, appropriate relationship that was good for both of us but would never have lasted long term.

Though there is still a lot of anger to sort through I am moving through it. I suspect as I move through it this letting go and forgiving will need to also be a piece.

I know I need it. I got back from my procedure, saw my therapist to sort some stuff out and the next morning ran into my exAH's new wife (they had an affair while we were married). I mean right into her in the grocery store. I need this about her, and about him for me......I don't want to store this stuff up for the next 30+ years.

I am constantly amazed by the layers of this recovery stuff, and at least for me how long the healing can take.
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Old 07-23-2015, 06:53 AM
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Nice post. I am trying so hard to Let go, and be let go of. My divorce is final as of a month ago, but because we are trying to remain "friends" for our kids, I still find myself wondering what he's doing and being more attached than I want to be. I wish it would just stop. I feel like I can't control my thoughts. I still need to detach as well. I know this. Always has been the hardest thing for me to do and figure out too. I find it interesting that I come on here after a month or so, having all these complicated thoughts, and here it is...so many topics/threads on detaching today...a message from above??
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Old 07-23-2015, 07:10 AM
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So true petmagnet.

Just to give you some perspective. I am almost five years out from the divorce. I have been detached for a number of years but am still holding onto so much.

The Language of Letting Go was so perfect today.
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Old 07-23-2015, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Firesprite's post about intimacy made me consider. Detachment for me may be about the other person and keeping safe, but letting go is for me, about me and to allow me the space for healing. I don't know that I have done this completely.
I'm positive I've never thought about the distinction between these 2 actions before, so I meditated on it a bit while walking in the early am just before sunrise this morning. (I've been doing a lot of this walking meditation in the last couple of months, it's another great tool along with regular meditation, etc.) It's interesting how all of our perceptions help us draw different thought processes from the same information.

I think that for me, detachment is temporary & doesn't always mean I drop my expectations fully. At the very least I have an expectation of the detachment period ending.

On the flip side, when I have let go of relationships, it's intended to be permanent. I no longer have expectations (good or bad) about what happens in their lives. None.

Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
So my question for all you wise people is this. What do you do to help you to move to that deeper level of detachment/letting go? How have you made it so it is a part of your being and not "work." Who have you been successful around this with? Who are you still working on it with (I have some pieces to work on with my family around this also). How is it all working for you in your life.

I think I've successfully let go of my AF's FOO. They were indescribably toxic people & since I couldn't manage (at 19 yrs old) to sift through them to draw separate boundaries, I had to draw one, big, fat, all-encompassing boundary instead. I went no contact with them entirely after realizing I would never successfully be able to retain a separate relationship with a single aunt, cousin, grandparent individually. Their codependency was crushing, their identities unraveled without their place in this family tribe & all the enabling support it brought.

Time made the biggest impact on this process. Returning birthday cards & the ever-increasing checks enclosed. Refusing to answer the phone without screening the calls so I couldn't get caught in a conversation. It took a long time for them to "get it" & stop trying to bribe or control. I did break NC once, a few years in, after a resurgence from some of them to guilt-trip me via letters & pictures. This was a pattern - every time someone got sick they would try to make me feel bad enough to break NC & rush to the dying person's side so I could absolve them before their death.

I realized that that was literally ALL it was - them craving my forgiveness - because their attempts to contact only ever included talk of blameshifting, forgetting, guilt, a silent agreement to continue ignoring the elephants traipsing around the joint. Never any sort of apology or true talk about how we got to this point in the first place. Brush it off, cover it up & move on, Fire. I realized in all of that time they still hadn't HEARD me.

So I typed it all up & sent it on it's way. For myself, I needed to be heard. I needed the validation of having said what I needed to say as clearly as possible without any miscommunication. I knew I couldn't force anyone to read it or control their interpretation, but from MY side it was all sent with honesty, integrity & a very clear division line where I went from detached to having fully let go. The day that letter hit the mailbox I stopped wondering, I stopped questioning my own agenda; I stopped expecting anything from either side.

Fantastic topic. I will continue to ponder this, I'm sure, because this is just the first correlation that I drew to it. In terms of people that have hurt me but that were more shallow friendships, etc, I suspect I'm "holding on" vs having let go in the way of still expecting future bad behavior from them. Or even as simply as expecting to one day run into them at the local store in our small town.... keeping that expectation alive keeps me from feeling like I'm caught off guard but it also keeps me wasting energy no matter how subconsciously & not fully just letting go already.

Much to ponder in this thread, thanks all!
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Old 07-23-2015, 07:48 AM
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Here is a benign example from my life. I once desperately wanted to sell our expensive home. We had to move for my husband's job, and we still were stuck with our house, which had gone down tremendously in value due to the housing crash. At one time, this house had been my dream house, we renovated it extensively with the idea that it would be where our children and grandchildren would come back to visit, etc. Anyway, this house that I once adored and personalized with my heart and soul, became a complete noose around my neck. I prayed constantly to find a buyer. I finally went into a spiritual store to find an idea on how to get rid of this house. The clerk told me "You haven't let go of this house." I said, "Oh yes I have, I absolutely can't stand it. I once loved it, but now I wake up every day praying it will be out of my life." She said, "Your stomach is flinching when you are talking about it and you are talking about it a lot. You should pray for a way to let it go. Put it out of your mind." I thought about it a lot and she was right. Even though my emotions had turned from love to hate, the emotions were still running strong. Even other people were still attached to us living there. Old friends would send emails saying they could still picture our kids running in the yard. I finally threw up my hands and said, "God, I trust your plan. Please help me lose my attachment to this house and any outcomes that I am attached to regarding it." Any time a house thought/complaint/worry came into my head, I visualized giving it to God and I moved my thoughts to something more pleasant. I few weeks later, it sold and the transaction went quickly and smoothly. We bought a house this spring that I absolutely love and I feel the most "at home" than I have ever felt.
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Old 07-23-2015, 09:10 AM
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Firesprite-

You are so "right" about this having to do with expectations with people that I have not been able to let go of. In my case time has been a big part in this also.

My college boyfriend is HORRIBLE at being in touch with anyone if he is not in the same physical local. We do friendship so differently. Though I did not have stuff from the ending of our intimate relationship to sort through our talks did lead me to see that I had stuff from the few years our split to work on.

I worked so hard to keep the lines of communication open. We lived thousands of miles apart....he was not capable of being in that kind of relationship due to distance. I took it so personally and was so hurt at times. I spent a lot of energy trying to be the "right" kind of friend, and felt rejected.

I got to realize on this trip that part of the reason I had let this relationship go was because I now know how he does friendship. It was not about me that our friendship was not as close as it had been, and it was not because we broke up (on my end at least). He is not in touch with ANYONE in that way. Now my expectation is that when I travel to the city he lives in (every few years) I will contact him and arrange to meet. That works for both of us, and we have a great time catching up, talking about friends and me getting to know his family. It is less about "right" and "wrong" ways of being, and more about accepting who each other is. I have "let go" of my expectations and it has helped me significantly.

I have not completely done this with my ex (or other relationships that I am in struggle with right now). I have not done this with my family.

Just like after our breakup in college I am SPENDING so much energy on these relationships....and getting so little from them.

Thanks so much to everyone. All the resonses have been great and it is so nice to be heard. Firesprite my fave mediatation is walking. Thanks for the reminder.

I have not accepted my exAH for who he is yet
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Old 07-23-2015, 10:13 AM
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Double Dragons, I love that story about the house. So true.

For me, forgiveness and dropping all expectations helped with truly letting go. That was the hardest with my "father expectations" for X, but sadly I've gotten there too. It was definitely a step taken AFTER I worked through the anger. For me it was - detach, move on, ANGER ANGER ANGER, forgive, let go. Letting go was more of a releasing myself.

My X cheated too, and is married to her. She is a particular nationality that has a distinct appearance, and when I run into any woman of her age who looks so similar, I still get a little bit of a funny feeling. I don't think that's hanging on. In my case that's physical memory at work. I think that too will fade more with time. But letting go doesn't mean the hurt completely disappears. The scars are still there...and that's okay!
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Old 07-23-2015, 10:37 AM
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[QUOTE=Praying;5478870]For me, forgiveness and dropping all expectations helped with truly letting go. That was the hardest with my "father expectations" for X, but sadly I've gotten there too. It was definitely a step taken AFTER I worked through the anger. For me it was - detach, move on, ANGER ANGER ANGER, forgive, let go. Letting go was more of a releasing myself. [QUOTE]

Thanks Praying.....what you describe is feeling like my process also. I detached have done a lot of healing, have HIT anger in general, and now am starting to see beyond it.

After my last post today I almost broke into tears. Just realizing HOW MUCH energy I have spent on these relationship is exhausting for me right now (and has been for years). I am not upset at myself about it, but I have MUCH better things to do going forward. Luckily I have a therapy appt tomorrow so I can hash this all out (and cry it out I suspect).
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Old 07-23-2015, 11:14 AM
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Here's my quick response as I am at work right now, LOL.

First, I detached with anger and had to work through resentments, unforgiveness(my own), and martydom crap that I was carrying around with me.

Then, I detached with love once I took ownership of what was mine to work through and what was my part.

Then, I was able to let go. Truly let go: no resentments, no hard feelings, no anger, just compassion and love from a detached distance, respecting him as the father of our son and letting him walk the path that God has put before him.

Today, my XAH no longer takes up any of my mental energy. There are no more obsessions about him or about his drinking. I find it amazing that I don't think about him AT ALL after being married for 20 years to him. The only time I think about him is when I need to ask him about child support, about whether he can take our son somewhere, etc. As far as how crazy in the head I was about him last year, that is all gone and it was truly a God thing, a spiritual awakening, and a process from both using Al Anon and all my support tools along with 3 years of therapy.
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Old 07-23-2015, 11:58 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Then, I detached with love once I took ownership of what was mine to work through and what was my part.

Then, I was able to let go. Truly let go: no resentments, no hard feelings, no anger, just compassion and love from a detached distance, respecting him as the father of our son and letting him walk the path that God has put before him.
Great post, and great posts from others, interesting discussion. I struggle with this with a sibling. I've gotten a lot better at "letting go" of things I can't control, but still do struggle with this.

I do know that I don't want to go no contact, because it is my feeling that with someone dealing with some mental health issues they didn't choose(anxiety, depression), having compassion for that aspect, and continuing to show love for the person, may have a beneficial impact. Maybe. But, it certainly is frustrating to continue to witness poor choices.
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Old 07-23-2015, 02:51 PM
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What do you do to help you to move to that deeper level of detachment/letting go? How have you made it so it is a part of your being and not "work.
Letting go is a process that involves time. I also had to practice letting go of expectations and outcomes in order to detach. After working on this for decades I can spot red flags a mile away and turn my back. It all takes conscious practice.
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Old 07-23-2015, 05:25 PM
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After many unsuccessful attempts, I had to go no contact as well. Anytime I tried to offer support to him he lashed out more and became disgustingly mean. I feel I have truly detached but not let go. I still believe (as a disciple of Christ) thst God is in the business of restoring people so I definitely still love my ex and pray for him daily-just from a distance. I started detaching years ago when I realized it was his life to live and his choices to make-I couldn't make those choices for him. And no matter how good an influence I was on him (as he told me), it was not my responsibility to keep him in line (told to me as well). I don't think I'll ever fully let go, honestly. But who knows
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Old 07-23-2015, 05:45 PM
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I think it's a little harder to let go when you have children (especially young children) in common. You still have a connection, are likely to encounter each other at significant life events, may still have to communicate and hammer out agreements (or hash out disagreements).

I haven't needed to entirely let go of my first husband, and have no desire to--I still consider him a good friend. OTOH, when he has been going through some emotional turmoil lately, I was able to listen and offer support, but not carry around the burden of his feelings--I was able to let him work them through in his own way. So in his case, I think I have let go in a healthy way.

With my second husband and with the last guy I lived with, I feel like they are past history. I don't feel a tremendous amount of anger or regret, my blood pressure doesn't go up when I think of them, I don't miss them. I had some nice times with both of them, and some truly awful times. Some of it was them, and some of it was me. I feel a lot of acceptance, which is a form of letting go.
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Old 07-25-2015, 06:15 AM
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Dear all-

I had a therapy appointment yesterday and of course this was my topic of choice.

Though this started out as the topic, as always my therapist and my best self got me to where it needed to be, and for me it is about years of unresolved anger.

I don't think this is the answer for everyone but I wanted to share what I learned. For me this experience, this post and my recent sessions unbeknownst to me have been about some really really old FOO stuff. I call them core wounding. I believe to heal from core wounding I need to dig it out, dreg it up, clean it out and then it can heal. I think this has been a huge step toward that.

My home was safe, and I had many physical, and mental needs met. Not so much for emotional ones. My mom grew up in an alcoholic home, and I suspect my dad may have. My mom was pretty shut down emotionally, and my dad was also, except around anger.....he would yell and rage, I would shut down and became the "good" girl. My brother (who is younger) fought back.

I believe this is what anger looked like and my little being decided I did not want to do that. In part because of this but for many other reasons I decided that being numb/shut down was normal and what I wanted (which looks like my mom). This is part of what created my own addiction and eating disorder. My exAH that got me here does anger like my dad.

So now as an adult instead of getting angry I get confused, deeply confused when I am really feeling angry. Angry is not allowed though so I "choose" confusion instead. I can't talk, make decisions and the old overthinking/ruminating behavior comes rushing back into my life. I used to do this with EVERYTHING, yesterday I realized I only do this about situations that I am avoiding feeling angry about.

How does this tie in to my original post you wonder?

I have detached physically and mentally from many of the people that I am struggling with in my life, but I am still really confused by them. I overthink ALL of my behaviors around those relationships from years ago to last week. In some instances I don't have a relationship with them anymore but in my head/heart.

In reality I am angry about a lot of things that involve these relationships. The biggest challenge is probably that I get confused about what is theirs/what is mine in these relationships......and it keeps me attached.

I cannot let them go because I am still having unresolved emotions around them. I can't see that their behavior is their's because of this wall from my own childhood (which kept me safe at one time).

So much more of my life and my relationship history makes sense now. I feel floaty and kind of untethered right now, but also relieved and like a weight has been lifted. Having this experience, asking you (and my therapist) for help and doing my recovery "work" has moved me to a new level......and I will be a more complete and whole person because of this journey I get to take. I have worked through the anger with my college boyfriend and can seperate out his/mine just fine. The contrast to that relationship and my exAH is startling in many aspects and I am looking forward to the feeling what I need to feel so I can let my ex go and his stuff be rightfully where it needs to be....on his shoulders

Again, I suspect this is not the core for everyone but it is my truth and I wanted to make sure to follow up. Thanks for all the great posts.
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Old 08-10-2015, 10:57 AM
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Hi everyone-

I just wanted to do a quick update.

Though anger and resentment still remain simmering for me what has come up after my last post in my therapy sessions is underneath that anger.

Like all children I believed that all the crazy in my family was my fault. Though my head does not believe that anymore, my heart and emotions do deep down.

I frankly have felt pretty cruddy the last ten days as I have allowed this to surface. My therapist thinks it may be "the last hurrah," of stuff that I need to look at from my ED standpoint.

Of course I can't "let go" of these relationship when I am hanging onto the fact that they are my fault.

So though I feel cruddy I am glad because this is forward movement for me. I am having a lot of physical tightness as a result (TMJ is trying to happen for the first time in five years) and I am very tired/awake at weird times.

I have regularly scheduled therapy appts right now, and will keep them up as long as I need to.

This eye procedure has been such a HUGE BLESSING in my life. I had no idea what I had tucked away that was keeping me stuck.

I have a lot to go through, but it is organic and I have faith that this is so much better then where I was before. I have faith that this is the closure my body, and emotional self needs so I can close out some of these challenged relationships in my life.
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