Firesprite-
You are so "right" about this having to do with expectations with people that I have not been able to let go of. In my case time has been a big part in this also.
My college boyfriend is HORRIBLE at being in touch with anyone if he is not in the same physical local. We do friendship so differently. Though I did not have stuff from the ending of our intimate relationship to sort through our talks did lead me to see that I had stuff from the few years our split to work on.
I worked so hard to keep the lines of communication open. We lived thousands of miles apart....he was not capable of being in that kind of relationship due to distance. I took it so personally and was so hurt at times. I spent a lot of energy trying to be the "right" kind of friend, and felt rejected.
I got to realize on this trip that part of the reason I had let this relationship go was because I now know how he does friendship. It was not about me that our friendship was not as close as it had been, and it was not because we broke up (on my end at least). He is not in touch with ANYONE in that way. Now my expectation is that when I travel to the city he lives in (every few years) I will contact him and arrange to meet. That works for both of us, and we have a great time catching up, talking about friends and me getting to know his family. It is less about "right" and "wrong" ways of being, and more about accepting who each other is. I have "let go" of my expectations and it has helped me significantly.
I have not completely done this with my ex (or other relationships that I am in struggle with right now). I have not done this with my family.
Just like after our breakup in college I am SPENDING so much energy on these relationships....and getting so little from them.
Thanks so much to everyone. All the resonses have been great and it is so nice to be heard. Firesprite my fave mediatation is walking. Thanks for the reminder.
I have not accepted my exAH for who he is yet