FireSprite

I'm positive I've never thought about the distinction between these 2 actions before, so I meditated on it a bit while walking in the early am just before sunrise this morning. (I've been doing a lot of this walking meditation in the last couple of months, it's another great tool along with regular meditation, etc.) It's interesting how all of our perceptions help us draw different thought processes from the same information.

I think that for me, detachment is temporary & doesn't always mean I drop my expectations fully. At the very least I have an expectation of the detachment period ending.

On the flip side, when I have let go of relationships, it's intended to be permanent. I no longer have expectations (good or bad) about what happens in their lives. None.


I think I've successfully let go of my AF's FOO. They were indescribably toxic people & since I couldn't manage (at 19 yrs old) to sift through them to draw separate boundaries, I had to draw one, big, fat, all-encompassing boundary instead. I went no contact with them entirely after realizing I would never successfully be able to retain a separate relationship with a single aunt, cousin, grandparent individually. Their codependency was crushing, their identities unraveled without their place in this family tribe & all the enabling support it brought.

Time made the biggest impact on this process. Returning birthday cards & the ever-increasing checks enclosed. Refusing to answer the phone without screening the calls so I couldn't get caught in a conversation. It took a long time for them to "get it" & stop trying to bribe or control. I did break NC once, a few years in, after a resurgence from some of them to guilt-trip me via letters & pictures. This was a pattern - every time someone got sick they would try to make me feel bad enough to break NC & rush to the dying person's side so I could absolve them before their death.

I realized that that was literally ALL it was - them craving my forgiveness - because their attempts to contact only ever included talk of blameshifting, forgetting, guilt, a silent agreement to continue ignoring the elephants traipsing around the joint. Never any sort of apology or true talk about how we got to this point in the first place. Brush it off, cover it up & move on, Fire. I realized in all of that time they still hadn't HEARD me.

So I typed it all up & sent it on it's way. For myself, I needed to be heard. I needed the validation of having said what I needed to say as clearly as possible without any miscommunication. I knew I couldn't force anyone to read it or control their interpretation, but from MY side it was all sent with honesty, integrity & a very clear division line where I went from detached to having fully let go. The day that letter hit the mailbox I stopped wondering, I stopped questioning my own agenda; I stopped expecting anything from either side.

Fantastic topic. I will continue to ponder this, I'm sure, because this is just the first correlation that I drew to it. In terms of people that have hurt me but that were more shallow friendships, etc, I suspect I'm "holding on" vs having let go in the way of still expecting future bad behavior from them. Or even as simply as expecting to one day run into them at the local store in our small town.... keeping that expectation alive keeps me from feeling like I'm caught off guard but it also keeps me wasting energy no matter how subconsciously & not fully just letting go already.

Much to ponder in this thread, thanks all!