Detachment vs "Letting Go"
Hi all-
I had a minor eye procedure a couple of weeks ago. It was in a city I was unfamiliar with and I had to have help after the procedure. For a variety of practical reasons I had a long-term friend help me out. This friend a number of years ago was a boyfriend, but he has since married and has a great family. We have remained casual friends. It was the first time we had spent any significant time together in 20 years. He did me a huge favor and nothing untoward happened.
On two occasions on the trip though we had some pretty significant discussions about closure, both from our relationship in college and after our relationship ended. The fact that we had to have the conversation shocked me, but I was able to stay present throughout and we got a lot worked out and healed (for him, his wife and myself).
Between that and a number of other things I have been thinking/feeling a lot about the difference between detachment (which I had done years ago with this person), and letting go (which I think for me means thinking kind loving thoughts for them and is much less conscious which I have also done with him).
This trip allowed me to look at the different between my college boyfriend and my exAH that got me here. Though I have detached from my exAH that go me here, I have not let go of that relationship or him. This trip helped me to see what I have healed from this long-ago relationship, but some healing I still need to do with my ex.
Detachment for me is something I have to consciously consider, plan for and think about. It is about putting space between me and the other person to allow me to take care of myself. It is a lot of hard work.
Part of why I have realized I have detached from but not "let go" of my ex is this. I am not in touch with him at all except about taxes once yearly. However he still takes up space in my head and heart. Though I don't want to be toegher, I still think, and feel like if I "am" a certain way that he will somehow apologize for his behavior and/or acknowledge and attempt to help me heal. I still somehow believe that he has the key to my healing in some small way.
Firesprite's post about intimacy made me consider. Detachment for me may be about the other person and keeping safe, but letting go is for me, about me and to allow me the space for healing. I don't know that I have done this completely.
Due to my procedure I have a lot of follow ups with a 6+ hour round trip drive right now. Today for the first time on the trip I spent some time wishing my ex well, hoping that he was happy, healthy and getting what he needs from life and "cutting" the imaginary cord that still ties us together (in my head and heart). This comes naturally for me with my college boyfriend but was really hard for me about my ex.
So my question for all you wise people is this. What do you do to help you to move to that deeper level of detachment/letting go? How have you made it so it is a part of your being and not "work." Who have you been successful around this with? Who are you still working on it with (I have some pieces to work on with my family around this also). How is it all working for you in your life.
Thanks so much. What a great couple of healing weeks this has been on all the realms, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.