Not sure about the light, but I do know 6 feet in the ground is a pretty dark place.
You seem to be struggling, searching for a quick high in life, as you didn't find one during 5 weeks sober. Have you done much to enrich your life? Spend more time with your daughters? Pick up new hobbies? Volunteer? Maybe sign up to some sports teams?
That isn't nostalgia, inspiration or creativity. That's poison, which will either eventually kill you, or at the very least, shorten the span and quality of your life. Be there for your daughters, and hopefully your eventual grandkids.
Sorry if I came off as cranky. Emotions are all over today. Nonetheless, hope all is well, and stick around SR and keep posting. Tons of support here, and it's so much easier than doing it alone.