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I thought I could do this alone...

Old 07-17-2015, 09:14 PM
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I thought I could do this alone...

Hi,

Single dad to two lovely daughters. I was approaching five weeks sober this coming Tuesday (off both booze and cigars most importantly). However the pressure mounted this morning and during grocery shopping I stressed to the point where I gave in and purchased a four pack of scotch and cokes.

Back home, affected and disappointed.

Can it be done alone? I suspect not which is the reason why I signed up here. The trouble is... I wonder if I can sustain sobriety when this relapse has me experiencing nostalgia and inspiration. Of course, I'm aware of all the reason why I've abstained...

Thoughts. After one hour... and probably 10 "standard drinks". Do I simply ignore this and put it behind me?

Don't know...

Thanks,
B
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Old 07-17-2015, 09:25 PM
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Welcome to SR. I thought I could do it alone but I've learned the hard way that self sufficiency didn't work so well. I didn't want to admit I needed help or other people. When I started reaching out, I made progress.

I got all sorts of nostalgia and inspiration when I drank. My house is filled with the supplies I bought for many projects conceived under the influence of alcohol but never completed. Some never even started.

To me alcohol is the false promise of a creative and fulfilling life. Just not worth it. I come here and read and post to remind me.
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Old 07-17-2015, 09:31 PM
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Hi RegenFarmer, I too have recently fallen to the pressure of that damn alcoholic voice and lost my sobriety again. You say, "this relapse has me experiencing nostalgia and inspiration". In my case my relapse did that too but also left me feeling hungover, sick, depressed and very disappointed in myself. This site definitely helps to know everyone on it is here to listen, help and support you in times like today. You most certainly can put this behind you, but in my case I can't ignore these slips. They are reminders of why I cannot have just one drink again. I am fairly new here again and I am sure some of the others have much more experience and things to say. As they say, get up, brush it off and keep posting.
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Old 07-17-2015, 09:41 PM
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Thank you Ruby.

Alcoholic inspiration is strangely cyclical. For it seems that drinking comes after pain, offering a substitute inspiration and a dulling of pain - followed by action based on false inspiration. Then the illusion of success. Further precipitating drinking - tranquillisation, inspiration, action and false success. Repeat Ad infinitum.

What's challenging to overcome is the peace and hopefulness that follows the first couple of drinks, the creative project that's inspired and the memory of what was accomplished in transition between a regular person (with talent) and an alcoholic (talent squandered).

Thanks. B
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Old 07-17-2015, 09:45 PM
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Welcome reganfarmer,

This is a great site. I am just coming back after 6 months sober. I have had years of sobriety in the past and then stopped connecting with people and picked up.

I posted here for months and it was terrific!!! Join the July 2015 class so we can all get sober together. It's hard to let go of that miserable feeling of how you let yourself and those you love down...again. You will get support here. Brush it off and keep posting. I'm in the same boat!!

Welcome!!
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Old 07-17-2015, 09:48 PM
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Hi RegenFarmer, welcome to sr. I really found this forum helpful. I can come here any time of day or night and really, it does help.

There are so many people who have been or going through what you are and can relate to you. Often, someone says something and it clicks, you can relate to it.

You aren't alone in this. Reach out.
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Old 07-17-2015, 09:53 PM
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Your comments Kaifly completely reflected my thoughts today before I went to the bottle shop. This was only two hours ago. I told myself the following...

a/ you're only a few days away from 5 weeks.
b/ you can't just have 'one drink'.
c/ you'll regret it.
d/ you'll self-depreciate.

Upon returning to the farm, I finished off the booze (a modest quantify by my standards). Felt inspired, and free.

What I'm wondering is this...
By pursuing this path of sobriety, am I condemned to a life without inspiration, subject to a dull existence that forever reflects back on 'happier times' (with or without alcohol).

In other words, is "Life a bitch and then You die"?
Or is there a real light at the end of the tunnel?

B
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Old 07-17-2015, 11:42 PM
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By pursuing this path of sobriety, am I condemned to a life without inspiration, subject to a dull existence that forever reflects back on 'happier times'
.

Short answer. No.

I used to think that. In fact I still do, but I recognise the thought now as one of the techniques used by my AV to trip me.

And this time I'm carefully collecting evidence that this is not the case.

It is true that I'm having fewer 'true creative' moments than I was when I was drinking. ( They either came at some point in my drunkenness or in the golden hour between waking hungover and depression setting in ).

But when they do come ( and they still do come - I take them seriously and make a plan to actually DO something with them )

In the meantime I am using the time gained from being sober - (and what a ton of time that is hey people ? ) - to practise my art - get better, improve technique, craft ideas into proto-projects, heck even what might be called 'structured play'.

This is a short period in my life - the early stages of recovery - that I will look back on and see that this was the period where took the first steps to creating something meaningful and worthwhile.

IMO it is impossible to do this alone. I am so please I found SR. Stay close and post often. You will do this.



Go well...
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Old 07-18-2015, 12:30 AM
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Not sure about the light, but I do know 6 feet in the ground is a pretty dark place.

You seem to be struggling, searching for a quick high in life, as you didn't find one during 5 weeks sober. Have you done much to enrich your life? Spend more time with your daughters? Pick up new hobbies? Volunteer? Maybe sign up to some sports teams?

That isn't nostalgia, inspiration or creativity. That's poison, which will either eventually kill you, or at the very least, shorten the span and quality of your life. Be there for your daughters, and hopefully your eventual grandkids.

Sorry if I came off as cranky. Emotions are all over today. Nonetheless, hope all is well, and stick around SR and keep posting. Tons of support here, and it's so much easier than doing it alone.
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Old 07-18-2015, 01:49 AM
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Hi RegenFarmer

I've found SR invaluable.

I needed to challenge those thoughts that made drinking seem reasonable...&

I needed kindly folks to remind me of why 'I'll have a few' is not a reasonable thought for blokes like you or me to have .

Read around and post as much as you like. Check out our July support thread too:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-3-a-7.html

D
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Old 07-18-2015, 01:56 AM
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Just came across this quote and thought of this thread. All the best to you sorting it out. PJ


“I once heard a sober alcoholic say that drinking never made him happy, but it made him feel like he was going to be happy in about fifteen minutes. That was exactly it, and I couldn’t understand why the happiness never came, couldn’t see the flaw in my thinking, couldn’t see that alcohol kept me trapped in a world of illusion, procrastination, paralysis. I lived always in the future, never in the present. Next time, next time! Next time I drank it would be different, next time it would make me feel good again. And all my efforts were doomed, because already drinking hadn’t made me feel good in years.”
― Heather King, Parched
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Old 07-18-2015, 02:52 AM
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Feeling pretty positive today.
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Old 07-18-2015, 04:03 AM
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I'm just coming back after 6 months and had years at one time before that. Do I love to think that """wow what fun that was when iwas a bit wasted" problem is, I'm never a bit wasted...I'm always a lot wasted!

Yes, there are times at social events when aim "envious" of those who can have only one. I can't do that!!!! And I know......my life is ALWAYS less complicated when I'm sober. My drinking never adds to life's problem if imnot drunk.

Let those girls see what's great dad you could be...it is worth it!!!! No explaining to do, no mornings trying to fit the pieces together of what happened....I can go on and on. Life is worth it and so are you!!!!
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Old 07-18-2015, 07:09 AM
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Hi reganfarmer, I think when you're in the moment (in process of getting that buzz going), the euphoria and relaxed mental state can be quite inspirational and produce all kinds of positivity for some people (others just go nuts). I was/am like that. I like being drunk, my mind works in ways it doesn't when I'm sober. But it is fleeting, and we know that. As far as ignoring it and putting it behind you, that's up to you. I would attempt to learn something from it, but if there is nothing to learn, turn the page. Its over. Look forward to another 5 weeks and hopefully longer.
Regarding there being a light at the end of the tunnel, we don't really know do we? So all we have to work with is what we do know. And that is an alcoholic life is no way to truly live a life. That's my opinion anyway. Best wishes and keep us posted. I am very interested to see how this turns out.
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Old 07-18-2015, 09:00 AM
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Welcome to SR, RegenFarmer. There is a better life waiting for you, and it's not in the bottom of a bottle. Hope you'll become an active participant here--this place has been the difference-maker in my own recovery.
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Old 07-18-2015, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by RegenFarmer View Post

Upon returning to the farm, I finished off the booze (a modest quantify by my standards). Felt inspired, and free.

What I'm wondering is this...
By pursuing this path of sobriety, am I condemned to a life without inspiration, subject to a dull existence that forever reflects back on 'happier times' (with or without alcohol).

In other words, is "Life a bitch and then You die"?
Or is there a real light at the end of the tunnel?

B
I too was inspired by alcohol. During one of my inspirational moments over the course of a few days I ended up going from the states to Costa Rica.

After a few days there I ran into an expat from Atlanta, young man.


I asked him how he like living in Costa Rica. He told me this tale -

I was here for my bachelor party week with some friends. We were drunk all the time and had a lot of fun. I liked it so much that when I went home I told my fiance the wedding was off. I sold the house we bought and liquidated all my assets, moving to Costa several months back.

Wow - amazing! How do you like it here!?!?

Worst decision I ever made in my life.............thus far ;(


The point is what I took as inspiration while under the influence of alcohol was all self centered, maniacal BS.

I am now sober for 13 months at 55 years old. My brain has cleared - what I took for the occasional inspired thought has changed to daily existence of peace and joy that is difficult to describe.

I now have the opportunity to potentially inspire others! That is the real gift of sobriety - getting out of ourselves, acquiring true empathy and living a full life.

Life was indeed a bitch when I was in bondage to tobacco, alcohol et al...... Not anymore> Life is hope, opportunity and reflection of love in eyes of those around me.

The other day I was inspired to sit with my teenage son and watch a baseball game on TV. We laughed, joked and interacted. I am not just "there" but I am present in the moment. If that's dull I guess I'll embrace it every chance I get

Glad you're here

Keep coming back!
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Old 07-18-2015, 11:12 AM
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Welcome to the Forum RegenFarmer!!

For me alone in isolation only ended up one way, back to drinking, the reason being my addiction would sell me all the fairytales, myths and the great nostalgia if drinking.

Instead I needed something outside of myself to keep me focused on the task at hand, give me a second opinion on things compared to what my own mind was telling me, something to short circuit those thoughts!!

You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
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Old 07-18-2015, 11:55 AM
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Oops my post earlier was meant to be in the July Club. Teach me to post when distracted.

I wanted to add that in my experience the 'inspired; or 'creative' moments of alcohol generally come to nothing. Half don't seem such a great idea the next day, or are forgotten, or your simply too busy buying in some more drink to act on them. An idea that never leaves your mind is a waste. Sobriety gives you the chance to grow and develop ideas into something real and meaningful.
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Old 07-18-2015, 12:03 PM
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Good to meet you RF! You're in a great place for encouragement.

I quit after drinking 30 yrs. - just using SR and a few books. AA is invaluable for many too. For me, not feeling alone anymore meant everything. Any time I was tempted, I came here for support and bravery.
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